see, here's where i think i differ. i don't think controlling emotions is in any way "shackling." emotions are only that first gut instinct and quite honestly, i don't think they are worth as much or are as true, just because they are first. i think learning to control your emotions is a sign of power and also an indication that you are in control. i do admire the people who can live by the seat of their pants and i guess it's almost contradictory to what i'm trying to say but i admire them because they seem so true to themselves. they can tap into oceans of feeling that i can't even access anymore. or perhaps never accessed. to go down into a certain emotion or feeling seems very foreign to me. part of it is that i don't really have all that much to be super emotional about. most things, i can just think about it, or realize something about it, deal with it. and then *boom* done. i can operate on emotion, but i can't really sink into it. i'm not sure where it's coming from, or even why i feel the way i feel, but if i want something, i generally just do it. no questions asked. i just rationalize out the why's later. shoot first. ask later. i'm not sure if this constitutes emotion or logic.



also, what you said about children seeing things in absolutes, is really interesting. because part of me wants to find absolutes. to find things that are always wrong. or are always true. everything nowadays is so relative. that's what's frustrating about post-modernism. "i'm right because it's me." fuck that. if that statement is true, then what's the point? i don't want to think that the things i discover, or the things that i'm looking for, are only for me. i want to find objectivity. not everything can be objective of course, but the important things are, don't you think?



i feel like i'm trying to create something out of nothing. because to call up my emotions is kind of like making war with canada. pointless. happiness, joy, loneliness, sadness, it all changes so fast and it doesn't really swing that far either way. well no. i can be pretty damn happy. but not much sad. sadness goes away after a quick nap or two. contentness is my normal state of being. content and happy. why i'm not fat i'll never know. i need to eat more ice cream i guess.