excommunication. the fear of losing friendships sometimes makes me hesitate. but then they drift and i'm left wondering why. when i know exactly what happened. and the answer to why is often because i let it go. often unconsciously. i look back on past, recent actions and see a progression of me pulling away, often under pre-conceived notions of how people might respond, and then clam up because i think i already know the answer. i can't really say i'm really relationship experienced and i'm definitely not relationship mature but i (as most people) feel relationship w(e)ary. i think i know what i want, i think i know where i'm standing, but i question myself, even while flying into things that i may or may not be ready for. the ambiguity of situations makes me want to scream out and lay all the cards on the table but that seems too drastic. i'd rather sit back, chill out, and wait. to see how things shape up. being fickle, i want to make sure my heart and mind is in the right place first. but sometimes things move along and you're forced to evaluate on the fly. i always say that i don't have regrets, but that may only be because i don't want to admit to mistakes. even when they are clearly mistakes.



i think an ex has a new boyfriend. and i think i know him, if my sources are correct. and i'm really curious. if only we got job evaluations after each relationship. but then again, i guess we do.