better hike up your panties boy. i think that the disconnect between my thinking and feeling is definitely a conscious decision. for some reason, a few years ago, i decided that logic and emotion were dire enemies. and to be one would mean forsaking the other. and since i refused to succumb to emotion, i worked to "deal" with it. i've gotten remarkably good at it. of course, i'm maybe inclined to be more chill anyway but there were times when i would be more emotionally perturbed. especially with finer gentler sex. but with some remarkable training and baby steps, i've been able to use the mighty hammer of logic to reason anything out and to come to peace with an unexpected emotion.



of course, i realize that, as with any opposites, logic and emotion are not totally separate. the truth of the yin-yang after all is the intertwining and the dots swimming in the other color. at my core however, i wanted to have thinking. emotions cannot be denied but they are just gut instinct. emotion is often wrong. and logic too, but logic is less painful. and it's easy to trace why we did something if we have logic to back us up. is this restricting? maybe. but i saw it as freedom. freedom from base emotions, allowing for clear headed thoughts and decisions in life. of course, things never quite worked out this way. eruptions of emotion would overwhelm logic at times, causing things to occur. but hey, nobody's perfect.



as to whether using logic to subdue emotion is lying to oneself. well. it's hard to say. because while an emotion is certainly always true, it doesn't mean that we are what we feel. aren't we also what we think? i would rather be judged or held accountable for the actions that i have thought about, as opposed to being judged on the actions i just randomly jumped into. i'm realizing however, that swinging to any extreme is bad. and i think i've swung dramatically too far over onto the logic side. how to push the pendulum back though? without achieving too much downward velocity?



perhaps the attempt to linearize emotions is really just another struggle for control. why ride the roller coaster of emotion if you can keep yourself from ever getting on the ride in the first place?