it's so easy to hurt people. inadvertently. on purpose. whatever. i seem to be extraordinarily good at it. there's a part of me that absolutely scares myself. the capability to hurt someone. and to not understand why. and to not prevent it. or fix it. as someone pointed out, that would imply, and logically lead to, the fact that "i don't care when i hurt someone." is that true? i'm not quite willing to go into answering that question yet.



actually, to go back a step. i do understand. when i hurt someone. usually i understand why i hurt someone. i might miss the details but i'm smart enough and empathic enough to sense sadness. the terror of it all is that i hardly respond. or i prevent myself from responding. even when i sometimes know i should. thus leading to confusion. and frustration. i'm utterly capable of putting things on the back burner. i can have things weighing on my mind while doing other "insignificant" things as well. like having absolute fun. it's like a personality disorder that doubles as a super power. i go into the phone booth trenchcoated and emerge in plain underwear. as opposed to the super kind. if things are bothering me, shouldn't i try to take care of it right away? as opposed to hemming and hawing and dealing with it in my own sweet time? while leaving plot strings dangling left and right?



i'm also excellent at avoiding confrontations. or just avoiding altogether. consciously or unconsciously. i'm not sure i like resolutions. i'm not sure i like thinking. because thinking would lead to answers. and sometimes answers aren't necessary. or wanted. or sometimes, maybe it's because i already know the answer. and i don't like the answer. so i avoid the conversation. until i'm hammered into a corner, and i have to deal with it. i'm not complex. i'm indecisive.



i think i'm totally and inherently inconsiderate. in all the important things. i can open doors. offer water. present pillows. i can be hospitable. and nice. but considerate. sometimes not. geez. i'm not even convinced i'm totally against this side of myself. then again, maybe i should dig more deeply into this side of myself. before i settle on any conclusions. this is what i do. i bring in millions of material witnesses to stall the jury. i hesitate. i hop back and forth from one side of the fence to the other. i blow cigarette smoke into and out of my lungs. and call that thinking. maybe i should quit.