i decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows

if i fail, if i succeed

at least i'll live as i believe

no matter what they take from me

they can't take away my dignity

because the greatest love of all

is happening to me

i found the greatest love fo all

inside of me

the geratest love of all

is easy to achieve

learning to love yourself

it is the greatest love of all

-whitney houston, greatest love of all-

getting hot in herre. off to taiwan. whoop.

subvert the dominant paradigm. that's what beat writer and publisher lawrence ferlinghetti said. a kid in high school painted these exact same words on a wall opposite my english class. i would look at those words day after day, wondering what the hell that meant. para-digm. i enjoyed the sounds of that word, even though in high school i really could've cared less about what the dominant anything was. but that phrase always stuck with me. subvert the paradigm.



what is the paradigm? for ferlinghetti it's the dominant culture, the mainstream, the middle-of-the-road area where a form of mass hypnosis and unquestioned commercial and political propaganda passes for consciousness. the dominant paradigm is what "marginalizes other ways of being and thinking; it is what oppresses the human spirit, represses our mammalian natures and suppresses our godlike potentials. to subvert or change this dominant paradigm is to take action. to create real changes in the way we do things, the way we believe, make love, worship and spend or not spend money.



i don't even really know what mainstream culture is anymore. nike and mcdonalds are mainstream. but i love them. and i love my "underground hip hop" but the groups i love aren't really underground. to exist in this materialistic limbo of wanting everything brand named and everything have meaning is both liberating and terribly hypocritical. but we cannot always be slaves to our intentions and convictions.



the only thing that i try to do on a consistent basis is to think about the dominant "rights" and "wrongs" of interpersonal relations. i suppose because relationships consume so much of my life, i've had to think about ways of being pretty often. i don't like "shoulds." i don't like it when i have to do something for someone. i'm not really a giver, and when forced to give, i'm pretty resentful and bitchy. but it all stems from a solid base of thinking. i don't want to accept what the dominant means of establishing and maintaining relationships. i think everything should and could be challenged. but i find myself alone alot. on my ideas, ideals and thoughts. or i find myself tricked by people who verbally say they think like me but then act totally different. it's a tad frustrating. no. frustrating isn't the right word. it's a tad.....unfortunate.



friendships, relationships, to me, are not about giving. it's about exchange. you have to get something in return for your giving. this is clearly not my idea but i've adopted it lock, stock and barrel. there is no reason to be part of someone's life if all you do is give, give, give. even if i don't mind giving, it's still a spiritual crime to be in a -ship if you get nothing back. of course, don't we learn things from everybody in our lives? don't we get something out of everybody? but sometimes, when the tables turn and one party is depending too much on the other or when the friendship is not longer symbiotic, let it go.



but back to paradigm. the dominance of it. i'm trying really freakin' hard to break out of my dominant modes of thinking that i've held onto for the past three-four years. it's hard. to have new thoughts. to have new ideas. to hear the truth ring in a different tone. i've had certain ideas with me for so long that they've become "me." and i can't let them go and fairly evaluate them again. how to go from trangsgression to transformation to transcendence when you can't find step one? i'm not ready to settle into my personal dominant paradigm yet, at age twenty four. that's too sad. there should be parts of myself that are still up for sale. that are yet to be discovered. but i think people often go into college, concentrate on finding themselves, and then emerge with this image of them at a quarter century that they can't really shake. i think that's where i'm at a little bit.



i was never lost. but i was definitely found. and now i would like to be lost. just so i can be found again.

naughty and nice. there could be some lumpy shit in my stocking for my lack of good deeds this year. last year at this time, there were many michigan-ites here. and we were playing some crazy board games. and we were running up and down between LA and SD, sleeping in various apartments. this year, we have a video game bunker in my mom's room, set up with two blankets apiece and sopranos, second season to pass out to when the sun eventually rises. christmas eve is about family time from six to ten pm, followed by lots of "what are you doing" phone calls. i'm trying to recall the last time we had just christmas with the family family. can't do it. our christmas' are usually just another typical day with some extra trimmings and more food on the side. but i like it that way. unpretentious holidays are nice.



does anyone have good santa claus jokes? i feel like there must be some good santa jokes.



how does it feel to be someone working on christmas? the biggest holiday of the year, and you're working. i feel for the restaurants, the taco shops, the grocery and video stores that have to stay open (although blockbuster closed early.....lazy bastards). do holidays come too often so that we are totally unappreciative of the true meaning of "holiday?" it should be a break from the drudgery of normal life. there should be mass jollification. i wonder statistically, what day of the year it is that the most americans don't have to work. christmas? new year's? labor day? i'm feeling for the people who have to be slumming during the so called "family time." power to the industrious people.



i read about some dude who has been the "jewish santa" for the neighborhood kids for the last couple of years. what the hell is that? the jewish santa. he said that he does it for the kids because they feel left out when they don't get gifts on christmas. i mean, it's cool, give the poor kids gifts and everything, do whatever you need to do to make the little tykes happy. but do you have to be the "jewish santa?" doesn't that defeat the whole ideology behind your religion? the melting pot, great ain't it?



and seriously, can unproductivity be a lifestyle? i think it can. i'm closing in on using it as an occupation, but that would involve making actual money. and as long as that remains a foreign concept to me, i'll have to designate unproductivity as a lifestyle and not a creedo, purpose or occupation.

pattern. repeat, rewind, reveal, retarded, re-strung, recognizable, rerun, return, recoagulate.

it was a good day. just waking up in the morning gotta thank god. i don't know but today seems kinda odd. the head pounding has subsided. chess and alchohol don't mix. especially when you lose and are forced to drink. how many sausage parties have you been to? i remember once when a certain someone asked what a sausage party was. "is it when guys get together and eat pizza?" ah, the naivette of girls. shocking. don't you ever wonder whether or not they're really that naive? or if they just put on the big eyed show to come off as "cute." the lengths people will go to be accepted and laughed with. it's also kind of interesting to see people take on a different persona, a more exterior falser persona. but i suppose it's still them, just another side of them.



in preparation for taiwan, i've been sitting in front of many TVs, playing tons of videogames and watching lots of sports and DVDs. basically, i've been wasting time. lots of it. "is this what you guys do (all day)?" yes it is. yes it is. trying to avoid responsibilities, both personal and interpersonal, is so easy. just turn a blank mind, an empty eye, and things go away. really. you should try it. is it still repression if you no longer can acknowledge anything anymore?



and if i hit the switch, i can make the ass drop...

i took my love, i took it down

i climbed a mountain and i turned around

and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

‘til the landslide brought it down



oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

can the child within my heart rise above?

can i sail through the changing ocean tides?

can i handle the seasons of my life?

-smashing pumpkins, landslide-

beg, borrow, & deal. the concept is simple, espn puts eight strangers together in new york city. the eight are divided into two teams of four and then let loose on a monthlong, cross-country version of a scavenger hunt. the challenge: be the first group to complete ten (out of forty) sports-related tasks and then get to alcatraz. they have no money, no transportation, no clothes, nothing. except the clothes they started out with on day one. the prize: each winning team member will earn two tickets apiece and all expenses paid trips to four sports championships next year.



how freaking cool is this? it's like jack kerouac on crack. to have three friends and you, trying to get cross country as fast as possible, with nothing but your wits and your charms as assets. this is the type of life defining trip that i would like to have but am probably too chicken shit to do. i mean, no clothes? no money? no showers? no anti-bacterial hand gel? what would i do? but in the spirit of imagination and adventurism (that's like tourism but cheaper), i would like to pretend that i could do it.



the dream team to go with (well, one dream team, any combination of four people would be cool as hell, and dreamy too). amit, because he knows damn near everybody in the states and having contacts can't hurt. plus we could use his talents to get us money. and having DDTs is pretty much a necessity on a big trip like this. lynnchen, because big eyes will get you everywhere and everything (including big ass tarzan movie posters as well as a bajillion free cell phone accessories). and the last spot......hum. i dunno. it would have to be a girl. it would probably have to be a michigan girl actually. as our oft-proved theory goes "michigan girls are cool." and useful. so yes. i'm not sure what the hell i would do on this trip but i want to go along dammit.



the winning team for the inaguaral season of beg, borrow, & deal completed their tasks and made it to alcatraz in twelve days. twelve days! cross country! on the free tip, after completing ten tasks. how amazing is that?

another difference between men and women. you tell me if this is true or not. women are more interested in stories. they want to see the human side of things. they are not satisfied with the event itself, but all the details and circumstances around an event. guys do this too but girls thrive off of this information. when the olympics has to pander to a female dominated audience, it moves toward "relatable" stories and tales of human beings struggling up the mountain towards athletic achievement. girls don't just want to know how your date went, they want to know what every moment was like. this inquisitiveness, is it innate or societally induced? example A in my book is the original curious one. who will read all my sport magazines for the stories yet have no real interest in the sport. "i like the stories" is what she says. and she likes to hear all about the news surrounding people, even people she barely knows or has only heard about.



tell me, is this by nature? that girls need something to relate to? guys are more monosyllabic with their answers and questions. "how'ditgo?" "dope." "cool." girls need a little something extra. tell me why. and saying that women "care more" is not a valid answer.

wild on formosa. yes, it's true, we are now going to taiwan. found out yesterday. for a while there, i was convinced we weren't going, so new year's was all doodah and no plans but miraculously our return tickets came through (back the eighth of jan) and now we are off to see the wizard next thursday. what does this mean? this means i have tons of little errands to take care of that i have terribly procrastinated on because i figured i would have weeks to do them. it also means i'll be missing the first few days of class. no biggie.



what i'm looking forward to after ten plus years away from my homeland. the food. that's it. the food. i'm ready to eat eat and eat some more. the shopping, the clubbing, the singing, the short people, that'll be cool too. but mainly, i'm all about the food. i'm also excited to see all the relatives that i haven't seen in a long time too.



but twelve days is a long time to be away. and honestly, i kind of want to just chill and veg out but rome wasn't built in a day and my life isn't terribly exciting so to not go to taiwan after all this trouble would straddle the border between idiotic and spoiled. so off i go. time to pack, burn CDs, make big lists of things i should do before i go, say happy new year to all, and clean clean clean.

we got some chickens in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving 'till six in the morning. it's nearing six am in the morn. and nobody's getting it on anywhere. victor's passed out on the couch downstairs, amid the bowls, pineapple cans and other remnants of the last few meals. you have those moments when you want to call people or talk to people, but it's damn near six in the morning and who the hell you gonna call? of course i could call someone but really, i have nothing to say. and waking them up just for the sheer sake of it is pretty cruel and unusual. then again, there are lots of times when i feel like talking to someone specific, but then the moment passes. or i actually call and have not much to say. i just want to hear them. so we do the dance of catching up and then we say bye. and i feel better, yet worse. we all know this feeling i'm sure.



i want to make some lists. top ten lists, relating to people. like top ten people to call at six in the morning. top ten people i need to catch up with. top ten people who might call me at six in the morning. top ten emails i should reply to. top ten people i'm missing right now. top ten people who need to be blogging. top ten random people that i would like to know better. that kind of thing.

if you ever go to south beach and need a place to stay that can fit twenty people, here's the spot. we stayed there a couple of years ago and it was one of the best vacations ever. i have a video, so i can show you. but i'm sure you believe me anyway. we need to go back, even if the price has risen by over fifty percent since then. still, i'm sure we all make more money now right? right?

new york women/men have also taught me about the "sometimes-boy(girl)friend." is this where the world is going? if that's the case, i'll take two. or three. or four.

go dirtebyrdeez go! this is craziness. i'm in the semi-finals for my fantasy football league. as the regular season champion (10-3), i'm the favorite to go all the way. this is the best fantasy team i've fielded in the modern era (aka computers and internet as opposed to pen/paper and newspapers). i woke up bright and early just to check on my scores. i was down. but now i'm up. marvin harrison (172 yds, 2 tds). i love you. plaxico burress (120 yds, 1 td). i love you. michael vick (240 yds, 2 tds, still playing in overtime). i love you. corey dillon (59 yds). you're getting traded. koren robinson (122 yds), chad johnson (91 yds). sorry, shoulda played one of you. jerry rice (30 yds). we've lost that love and feeling, i loved you all season long but our time may be at an end.



here's what we need for a big win tonight. priest holmes, the best fantasy player in all of the known world, needs to be shut down. ahman green, my injured yet still exuberant back, needs to have a big game. here we go baby. super bowl. super bowl. super bowl! puh-leaze!!!!



i may be a loser but not in fantasy football dammit!



update: i won! priest got hurt, ahman got a TD and now i'm on my way to the big game! go me.

finished my last test today. actually. my only test. because with my hectic three class schedule, i only had one test. studied all of forty minutes for it. at this point in life, studying is pretty much going online, reading random stuff, hoping interesting and useful tidbits will stick in my head so i can pull it out later. one of the books for the class i hadn't read yet. i didn't know the characters, the plot, the colors of the dresses, nothing. and there was no help online to be found. the bookstore didn't carry the book either. and this is supposed to be a classic? whut?!? anyway. i think i did alright. halfway through the three hour test, while my hand was cramping up and my head was nodding in fatigue, i was trying to calculate what i needed to get on the test to get my passing grade.



since all my grades now are only credits, as long as i pass, i get the credits. is life a tad too easy or what? also, i'm getting to be way too good at writing B papers. whatever i write, whether it be good or bad or whatever, it's a B paper. sometimes a B-minus, sometimes a B-plus, but always something in the B range. i can't even get out of the rut. if i wanted to write a beautiful, logical, well documented and argued paper, i don't think i could anymore. and i don't bother using citations or bibliographies much anymore because any decrease in grade will be so minimal it's not worth the effort. so yes. go me. one more quarter and i'm out of the big academic caboose. then i will be proud to frame my graduation pictures along with my diploma, because i did take graduation pictures in my gown, in anticipation of this day. don't ever say i don't plan ahead.

you have sixty seconds to write about one word. go.



lock. keep me from getting at it. stop giving me the combination. it's too easy. this. once you open it, you can't close it ever again. you want to deal with that? i don't.

so say you do something. something you could possibly "regret" later. but during the decision making process of the act, you know you're going to do it anyway, regardless of outcomes. like when given a choice, you wouldn't have changed a thing anyway. would that still be regret? even when you know the end result, the ramifications, will be more than you really want to deal with, yet you do it anyway, is that just pure stupidity? i like to declare often that i "have no regrets." which is more or less true. but the fallout from certain actions makes me "re-think" things alot. but i know that i wouldn't have changed anything that i've done. does this then still enable me to say that i'm not regretful of anything? or am i just deluding myself and rationalizing things that i ought to feel bad for, but really don't? it's the classic "i know i'm going to hate myself in the morning but fuck it, i'm gonna do it anyway" type of deal. this really applies to everything. it's "knowing better" and not doing it.



it's a funny thing when you can see so clearly what life will be like tomorrow as a result of your actions today. and you realize that you don't want it to be that way tomorrow, but yet you undergo all the actions to bring it to that outcome anyway. it's like personal pre-destination, knowing exactly where you will end up, having the chance to change it, but then not doing it. i am *this* close to being omniscient sometimes. or at the very least i'm sure i'm omni-stupid most of the time.

there is humility and then there is humbleness. sounds the same, but i think in effect, there's a slight difference. technically, the definition of humility is the "condition of being humble." sounds obvious and identical, but it's not. i think alot of people exhibit humility. shying away from compliments, giving due props to the right people, de-emphasizing their strengths and accomplishments. this is easy, because it's far "nicer" if a person has humility, as opposed to being a pompous ass and big headed about everything. people who have humility are everywhere and let's hope that they continue to be everywhere.



however, having humility does not necessarily mean that one is humble. for a humble man is "marked by meekness or modesty in behavior." a humble man also "shows deferential or submissive respect." how many of us are really humble? the answer is, i have no freakin' clue. i know i am not a humble man. quite the opposite, my head is blown out of super proportion and i think i'm the best damn thing since canned corn. it's very difficult for me to be humble. it's easy to exhibit humility, but as i said before, humility can just be an act.



it's hard for me to take the words of others and to listen to them and to change myself because of them. if their words make sense and i respect them, i will think about what they said alot. but at the same time i'm more inclined to think that i am right in any and all circumstances. and some people say that they are humble because they --in a situation when they are totally incompetent-- abdicate control. that is not exactly being humble. if you know you suck at something, you back out for the good of the your pride. that's just reality, not humility or humbleness.



how does this lack of humbleness affect me? i'm not sure. but as i've started to realize this about myself, i know to an extent that i'm proud of it, unwilling to change it, but also in the process of figuring out how it could be an all positive non-humbleness (that sounds totally wrong). thinking that you're cooler than peppermint is only good if you actually are. having a confidence and swagger is bullshit if it hinders you as opposed to enhances you. maybe the first thing to do is to give authority figures a chance. to follow instead of question. it's hard to do. because i'm so used to just tuning out people out. * nod and smile * nod and smile * but maybe it would be better. then again, maybe it wouldn't because wisdom isn't the sole province of the aged. i am not interested in humbling myself before anyone or for anything (that seems so against my basic nature and philosophy), but there is perhaps something to maintaining a healthy dose of humility and humbleness.



and for the record, humbleness isn't better than not being humble. i actually kind of dig the people who know that they're the shit and then talk like it. to a point. there's a real "i'm it" and then a fake "i'm it." if you use your powers to hide your insecurities and to shield your failures, you probably don't have it. just my opinion. but hey, if you know you're good, yell it to all the world. like him.

he who is filled with virtue is like a newborn child.

wasps and serpents will not sting him;

wild beasts will not pounce upon him;

he will not be attacked by birds of prey.

his bones are soft, his muscles weak,

but his grip is firm.

he has not experienced the union of man and woman, but is whole.

his manhood is strong.

he screams all day without becoming hoarse.

this is perfect harmony.



knowing harmony is constancy.

knowing constancy is enlightenment.



it is not wise to rush about.

controlling the breath causes strain.

if too much energy is used, exhaustion follows.

this is not the way of tao.

whatever is contrary to tao will not last long.

-tao te ching, fifty five-

sin city. things you need to know about my weekend in vegas. everybody had a good time. most everybody won. the rodeo was in town. the new z is niiiice. a little kid stumble walked her way over to me and gave my legs a hug. and then ran away, giving no one else hugs. gaga forgot her purse at home, complete with wallet, id, and cell phone. the flamingly gay hotel clerk had a fondness for one of our very own.



angie is the slot machine queen. hong is still the blackjack king. if at first you lose, try try again. unless you're broke. like me. super fun twenty one should be re-named "everybody wins." ryan has got his "stay" "hit" "no drinks, thank you" motions down.while winning at blackjack, stuff chips into your pockets ala pam. betting on the yo didn't win many converts. doubling down did. james dropped twenty on twenty. and won. again.



it takes exactly eight jungle animals to get one large lobster. six ugly bears will net you a large m&m. camel number ten is straight sleeping. it is far easier to roll under eleven, as opposed to thirty or over. the guy working at the stuffed lobster booth really enjoys his job. pam was collecting stuffed animals to donate to kids for christmas. jimmy won a big white tiger with one pitch of his mighty arm. the tiger has been left behind lonely in my trunk. ana's got herself a new man.



james' toes are funny. and useful if you need to hitchhike. susan's right pinkie is crooked. victor and hong can do impersonations of mickey and minnie mouse. angie broke the bathroom lights.



irene alerted us to the prescence of a certain montell jordan at the craps table. angie and hong thought we were scoping out montell williams. the buffet at the bellagio is ridiculously good. the stratosphere tower is 1,149 feet tall and is the tallest building west of the mississippi. drive, don't walk, from bellagio to venetian. there is a golden puffer in the caesar's palace aqaurium. there is no sex in the champagne room.



korean restaurants don't like it when you walk out on them at two in the morning. especially if they were just getting ready to serve you water. mix one part orange juice, seven parts smirnoff for the nastiest screwdriver ever. somewhere between vegas and san diego there is a gas station selling gas for two dollars a gallon. the foodmart featured no running water and a peggy bundy lookalike. jon drove all the way back from vegas. and jon does not drive slow. contrary to popular opinion.



ryan made this last week, before we left. hong made this after ryan made that.

tap that ass. shake your little thang. it's been so long since i've tried my best at something, something worthwhile. not something related to games, petty challenges or inconsequential errata. but tried my best at something real. something like school, or work, or life. i'm not sure if it's fear of failure, or just lack of proper motivation. i'll go with the latter because i'm a believer that one can do anything, within limits. however, i half ass so many things i hardly get anything done. in school for example, i'm not there to learn necessarily, to excel and get the A. a B or even a C would be okay by me, as long as i pass and get my credits. any learning that meanders its way into my brain is a bonus.



when was the last time i really really tried hard to dominate a class and get a super grade? try never. if an A happens, it happens, if it doesn't, i'm okay with something lesser. the way i've figured it is that it takes a seventy percent effort to get a B but a ninety five percent effort to get an elusive A. so pretty much i put forth my seventy percent and take what comes.



my papers are bullshit wrapped in gibberish and i would not be proud of them after the fact. my assignments are to be done, not necessarily done well. what can i get away with? what corners can i cut? that's how i operate. even with this flute thing, i'm hesitant to throw myself into it, to give it my all. because i'm not sure where that would lead me. success probably. but i can't even do it for that worthwhile goal. i'm complacent.



that feeling of trying your very hardest and then succeeding is a rare one for me. even in basketball, i'll loaf if we're winning and only play hard if it's a tight intense game. i see losing as a clear alternative, while some may see it as certain doom. i see the next horizon too easily. live to fight another day i say (in warcraft and in life). does this mean that there is no push? no internal pressure to succeed? probably. this half ass-ness should only be used in the appropriate spots, but i've done it for so long it's become habit.



it's amazing how far half ass-ed-ness has gotten me. to five am sleeping times, to one pm mornings. to having a flimsy and quite possibly fabricated resume. i speak about wanting to "go go go." but it never happens.

"it has come to our attention that a mysterious force is LOOSE..somewhere in outer space."



"the mysteries of creation are there."



"up in the sky?"



"up in the sky."



"the moon and the planets are there.

and new hopes for knowledge and peace are there.

and therefore as we set sail; we ask God's blessing --

on the most hazardous, and dangerous, and greatest adventure

of which man has ever embarked." (jfk)



"prepared for liftoff."

-gangstarr, above the clouds-

if you want to get serious about blogging, and who doesn't really, try this. wbloggar. it comes highly recommended. it could be a little too much for me but i've only been using it for five seconds. this could make the whole world a brighter place, who knows, give it a try.

i'm done with my paper and my poetry and all my school work for the year (discounting one minor final in eleven days). that ain't funny so don't you dare laugh! i'm so done for the week. if only i can wake up in time to turn in all my completed work. hum. good question. whatever, vegas in two. bet on the yo!

novocaine. nectar of the gods. the dentist is truly a terrible place to be. but i've come to terms with it. when you've had as many cavities as i have, the shots, the scraping, the drilling, it all becomes oh so routine. seriously, i've had so much enamel taken out of my mouth i could build a world class miniature of the taj mahal. but my teeth are worth more now, unless the fillings they use are totally useless and cheap, like lead. some of the dentist stuff is kind of fun. the little suction thing that sucks up all your spit, the molds they take of your teeth. all that "bite, open, close" stuff makes it seem like you're an obedient guard dog. taking x-rays is kind of cool too, because you get to wear that heavy lead apron to protect you from the evil sterility that is x-rays.



dentists are pretty freakin' amazing too. they are micro-engineers, building canals, crowns, bridges, all sorts of stuff into your mouth. how people in the old days got along without dentists is beyond me. it must have been really distressing for the native americans who started losing their teeth to rot when europeans introduced sugar into their diet. i can't imagine working and staring into somebody's mouth all day long. nasty. and what if you're tired and weary? one slip and blood could come gushing out of anywhere. i guess that's what the novocaine is for, to mask the mistakes and to numb the pain. if you could novocaine away all of life's hurts, wouldn't that be just dandy? but novocaine is a drug (not to mention a steve martin movie) and drugs are bad so i guess we're left with the only other alternative. jamba juice.



i have a gap from my gums to my temporary crown. it's awfully weird. i can't stop touching it with my tongue. i'm afraid to chew or brush on that side. i'm wondering if it'll be painful after the numbness wears off. i should ask the expert on crowns. it's incredible to see how bloody the sponges and implements are after they finish with you. it hardly hurts while they're doing it and oftentimes, i find myself staring at my teeth through the reflection of the dentist's glasses. i'm like, "oh dang, he's really going to work in there!" but i never really associate it with my mouth and my blood until after we're done and i'm rinsing and spitting out all sorts of weird crap.



we used to get lollipops and candy after a trip to the children's dentist. isn't that kind of wrong?



the mother of my children will need to have strong healthy teeth. i have weak teeth. i'm clean believe me. i brush and floss religiously. but my teeth just get cavities. some people never even have to visit the dentist. some people don't even have to have braces (yes, curse them). this is what results from humans overcoming natural selection, the strong and the weak survive and some are left with weak enamel genes. like me. luckily i'm compensated by receiving the correct number of appendages and sensory objects. i suppose i should be thankful. i also don't get sick much. that's nice. but if someone were to cull the human population based on potential, for the sake of good gene pools, i could be out. my children need a fighting chance however, so the woman i procreate with would hypothetically need to have great teeth genes, if only for the sake of our future generations. good teeth usually implies a nice smile too, which is attractive. bonus.



louis used to say that he needed someone with nice teeth, i'm starting to think that it wasn't just an aesthetic prerequisite (because we know louis isn't about looks right?) but now i'm beginning to think that maybe he knew something and just wanted good teeth for his sure to be hard eating, hard chomping children. this is why louis would be a good dad. because he would give his children all the important tools necessary for their physical survival, like good height, good teeth and a voracious appetite. he would try to pass on his tetris skills too but since he doesn't have any, it would prove hard to pass on. hi louis.

there is no "i" in breast, but there is a b-r-a. introducing the "brava." by wearing this battery-powered apparatus for a minimum of ten hours a day over ten consecutive weeks you can gain "one cup size." by utilizing the amazing powers of suction (second in amazing powers only to velcro) instead of the not so amazing power of invasive surgery, the brava promises a better social life through "gentle but constant pull to induce breast tissue growth." the cells respond to this stretching by swelling and replicating, eventually forming new breast tissue. available through nearly five hundred physicians around the country, dr roger khouri estimates that more than 6,000 women are now using the device. could you be 6,001?



tension induced growth tissue has been used for decades to lengthen limbs and is the principle behind surgically implanting tissue expanders used in post-cancer breast reconstruction. worry not because biopsies and MRIs have confirmed that the increase in size is not due to swelling but to actual tissue growth. that means the results are permanent. wow! but, the brava is not for everybody. "you're never going to get double D cups from this," says dr brandon ross. should you require double Ds, the best option is probably to still undergo painful yet life affirming breast enhancement surgery.



the system is available for about $2,200, a third of the cost for surgical breast implants (which works out to a savings of approximately $2,200 per boob, unless you have three or more protrusions, in which case the savings could be even greater). some stores are selling the brava at a special holiday price of four cups for the price of two, so don't delay your purchase. the device is extremely bulky and comes with a modem plug in so that the brava folks can make sure that you are using the device correctly. the brava folks aren't just selling a product here, they care about you and your assets too! should you happen to break the dome's seal while tossing and turning in bed, an annoying alarm will sound. a useful feature for those who fear breaking the brava ten hour cycle. users have described "a noticeable tightness, like wearing a too-tight sports bra." but you get used to it i'm sure, it's only ten weeks anyway, suck it up. it should be noted that this isn't recommended for girls younger than eighteen, but know that women of all ages (from twenty to sixty) have used the brava to great success. after all, "wanting a better, more shapely body knows no age limit." amen.



this could revolutionalize the world, just like jefferson and his light bulb. or whitney and his cotton gin. khouri and tension breast enhancement....the wave of the future? undoubtedly. be sure to consult the closest male figure in your life to see if this is the right product for you. and if you think this is yet another example of the world going to shallow hell, rest assured that in the event of nuclear holocaust, at least your breasts will be bigger. naturally.



khouri is rumored to be exploring options for a male version of this device, fondly nicknamed the "manva." be sure not to purchase the reverse brava (aptly monikered as "rebrava") by mistake, as that device uses the amazing powers of shrinkage to promote breast tissue reduction. needless to say, the brava outsells the rebrava at a ratio of one bajillion to one.

hey look, i'm number five in a google search for "love and war." what does it all mean?

i've become amused

i've become blind

i've become what i know not breathes

you seem illiterate to all my emotions

i stand corrected, how well you read

you speak the truth, you speak the me

you fell the love i have yet to find

i know it's there, i know it's there

but i let the sandcastles kill my mind

-pm dawn, looking through patient eyes-

to be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

-e.e.cummings-

peas in a pod. also on the subject of twins. it was a few bits ago, when victor proposed the theory that twins automatically acquire some sort of social advantage. because in any social situation, being a twin is a decently unique thing that you get remembered for. in fact, we are often introduced like this, "this is jon/george, he/she has a twin sister/brother." it's like our claim to fame. it will probably go on our tombstones. "jonathan yang. millionaire, owner of comic shops, twin brother." "georgette yang. famous accountant, married thrice, cuter than her twin brother jon."



i never really thought of being a twin as all that unique but that may be due to going through seven years of middle/high school with five sets of guy/girl twins in our eighty person class. one eighth of my class was a twin. talk about crazy. so yes. after some discussion with george (i refuse to link her three times in two days), we've decided that it's true. twins do have a social advantage. because even if you are the most unsocial being in the universe, you still tend to stick out in people's minds as one half of a dynamic duo, regardless of how undynamic you really are.



sure, it sucks when you have a sister named "georgette" and you're stuck with the pedestrian "jon." but you win some, you lose some. whenever i bring up the fact that i have a twin sister, people inevitably wonder what she's like and if we get along, all that important stuff. that's a useful trump card to use in the middle of uncomfortable silences and weird getting to know you moments. sure there could be more interesting things to talk about but bringing up the twin thing is a surefire winner. it's like being yoked together for life, the simple fact that you have someone in this world born right when you were born. is that special? certainly. does it mean twins as people are special? not necessarily. but is it socially advantageous? quite possibly. so when we can genetically engineer children in a few years, i'm an advocate for everyone scientifically producing twins. there are few downsides and a minimal amount of risk. if one sucks and happens to drool alot at least you got another one to hug. plus, moms love it because getting two kids for one period of labor is always a bonus. and proud daddies get to show off how strong and virile they are in pictures.



telling it to you as it is, from the twin perspective. i'm out.

i'm sitting, procrastinating away, enjoying my single serving of dole pineapple chunks (packaged in its "own juice" no less), possibly the best canned food item in the whole entire world. actually, i'm eating four point five servings but let's not quibble. by the time i'm done i get a little bit sweaty and tingly and i'm citrus-ed up. and then i drink the left over juice and i'm full as all hell. i eat alot of canned fruit, i wonder if that's a bad. pineapples, pears, peaches, mandarin oranges....whoever invented the peel back top is a genius. i hope he's rich.



you meet people in life who have gone through a similar life to yours yet they emerge with totallly different perspectives on how life works. you make your theories on which way the ball bounces and then you talk to someone and they relate stories that say totally the opposite. and you wonder what events or people in your life made your ball bounce your way. girls and guys can't be friends? they can't? i didn't know that. stuff like that. fundamental beliefs that you hold dear are refuted by people because in their time on this planet, they've encountered different things than you at every step. it would be interesting to have an identical twin (and no, me and george are not identical, thanks for asking) because you share the same genes so all the things different from each other would have to be environmental, wouldn't they?



flip it and reverse it.



then there are those people who have totally different backgrounds and experiences who think just like you. what's up with that? how did that happen? i think the person that is most like me is maybe, sixty five percent like me. maybe less. i'm hoping to find someone who is just like me. right down to a tee. like ninety percent. that would be kind of freaky. although finding that person might invalidate my uniqueness and that would be terrible. but it's okay, it's a small sacrifice in the name of social science.

do not mess with this man. seriously.

oooh baby i love your way. this has been the weekend from eternity. every night i feel like it's a sunday, but then i'm refreshed that there is another day of nothing. how long can this go on really? forever hopefully. george came in for a few days, with two of her san jose friends. george is much funner around her "other" friends. much funner. i'm not sure if that means i've been getting the "b game" george all my life or if she's just gotten that much more fun. but yes, at karaoke, she was a riot. as was victor. but that's par for the course.



thanksgiving was spent with turkey and all the trimmings. at jack and monica's house, which is huge and filled with incredibly cool collections of things. porcelain animals, crystal things, gem filled rock structures, a stuffed sea turtle, a giant deer head, and on and on. i promptly passed out right after dinner for a good two hours, as i'm sure many of the rest of you did. the newly darkened lynnchen was back from thailand. all blacked up and peeling. her parents took a whole group of us out to dinner, which was extremely generous and nice of them, but slightly awkward for us.



eating with parental units is an interesting experience always. eating with parentals that you don't really know? beyond interesting. lots of gaps in conversation. lots of "hummms." lots of people serving other people and being nice, which would not necessarily usually happen. it's so fun to see everyone attempting to be on their best parental behavior. i felt so young. looking around the table i wondered at what point would we cease to be young adults/kids and become true adults. the holiday season and the subsequent family gatherings always serve to put you in that "i'm still a kid" zone. like the "kids table." you know what i'm talking about.



i feel like the generation ahead of me, the almost thirty somethings, know how to work chinese parents better. some of the older people that i've grown up with, they know how to banter with the adults, talk to them, laugh with them, poke fun at them. everything. i wish i had that skill. to not just answer parental questions but to be the "chinese host" type of thing. it's a very respectable yet very funny thing. i suppose my chinese would have to get better. maybe it's also a cultural gap. either way, this is devolving into a "what we did this weekend" thing. and so i'm stopping. although there was much hanging out at hong's house. which is again, pretty not unusual.

mayfly for november. every breath you take and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, i'll be watching you.

the world is your oyster. love is in the air. and that's a fact. relationships are budding. blossoming. whoever said that spring was a time for love was way off. the time for love is winter. it's cold, it's windy, we need people and cuddle buddies. spring is a time to get out of relationships and enjoy the weather. winter is for hunkering down with token relationship in hand. without naming names or noting facts, there is a definite trend of people hooking up with people. strange how it's always like that no? it seems like all your friends are either single together, breaking up together or getting into relationships together. it's like "the cycle." except here, you hang around with your friends enough and your relationship cycles start to mesh. it's a glorious thing. watching love/like blossom under cover of snow and occassional rain. almost makes a man want to have somebody. almost.



it's kind of neat to kick back, relax, and watch things happen. who could be next to become smitten? here's hoping it's you. here's believing it's not me. i wish i could make a line graph of where everyone in my life is heading, relationship wise. then i could track trends and amuse myself. that actually sounds like a fun thing to do. numerically track people. booby prizes go to those stuck in relationship limbo.

i'm walking down chinatown manhattan. stench everywhere, trying to avoid puddles of mess and messes of people. i'm noticing workers loading up a ramen truck for delivery. i see my favorite brand of ramen being loaded in but then i notice that something's off. this ramen is mistakenly labeled as a chinese ramen! that's not right! this ramen isn't chinese! it's korean! and suddenly i realize i'm dreaming. and my dream is no more. shattered by the irrefutable logic of my ramen knowledge.



if this is the type of crap that's stuck in my subconscious, no wonder i have such problems getting up. welcome to the workday. rock rock ya'll.

i saw a man with no clothes, no money, no plate

mr. wendal, that's his name

no one ever knew his name cuz he's a no one

never thought twice about spending on an old bum

until i had the chance to really get to know one

now that i know'em to give him money isn't charity



the poor and the destitute. the homeless. the downtrodden. the meek. the disadvantaged. it's hard for me to relate to them. and in a certain way, it's hard for me to feel the way i "should" about them. like i should help them. i should feel extremely lucky and grateful for a privileged upbringing and that in turn, should allow me to show mercy to the masses. but i don't. i think part of it is because i've read alot about rand's feelings about the poor. and how they are second-handers. and are looking to sneak by on the generosity of others. when altruism is the ultimate evil, the seeking of altruism is equally bad.



but how do you translate those feelings into everyday life? for example, if i walk by a homeless person and they ask for money, i don't give them money. even if i have it. i do sometimes, but most of the time, my spare change stays in my pocket. because part of me is caught up in all that "they should help themselves" type of thing. and i know that it's unfair. because sometimes people can't help themselves. lives are not equal. people sometimes cannot help it if they are homeless and devoid of any means for survival. they have to beg, plead and borrow to make a living. i guess i approach homelessness in the most cynical way possible. that these are people who have not the will to work, and thus live off society and the misplaced generosity of others. all this is thought while i live in the comfort of my parent's house, smooching off their food and money, for going on twenty five years now.



rand almost espouses "slapping the homeless person's hand away" when they reach out for charity. because that is the most vile act. the asking of something when you have nothing to exchange. and i fully believe in this ideal. the exchange between people in any relationships. it's one thing for someone to give money because they want to, but quite another for that charity to be taken advantage of. and far worse for the man who expects charity.



i used to have to do alot of charity work in high school for key club--if sixty hours a semester counts as alot. we would go feed the homeless, talk to people, staff events, pick up trash, clean stadiums, whatever. and back then, it was just something to do. a requirement for a club for an empty slot on my transcript. since then, i've hardly done any charity work at all. and quite honestly, the only reason i would go would be if friends were going. i just don't believe in these causes, and i don't empathize with the plight of the poor. despite all the obvious injustices--economically, socially, environmentally--i can't bring myself to want to help.



i admire those who can. i respect their hearts. their ability to care for something that they don't have first hand experiences with. but i feel like, if anyone does anything, you should do it because you are clear about your goals are and what you hope to receive in return. and sadly for me, i don't get any sense of "good deeds" when i do charity work. i don't feel "better." even if that's not the point. the point is helping people. which i'm not too into, unless i know the people and can call them friends, or at least acquaintances. i know that these people are deserving of our help......but then again, do i know that? or am i just conditioned to think that? it's an issue that i want to find a clear answer to, or at least, my clear answer to.

when i first thought of volunteerism many years ago, i thought about being a nice person helping those in need. after reading her books, i was taught that no one has the right to my time, and that i should not live one minute of another person’s life for them, nor ask them to live one minute of my life. it all seemed simple, of course nobody had a right to my time, it was my time after all. however ayn rand believed volunteerism was evil only because it was forced upon people. i now have the courage to disagree. i want to help other people, being perfectly selfish is impossible for me, for i have a much kinder heart than ayn rand. unlike her, i do not believe that volunteerism is free labor, it’s a mutual agreement between two parties, and each side benefits from it. some may be supporting a cause they believe in, others may be rich and not need the money; i do it because i do not care about money. i care about the act of working and the final production not the money. this is one main modified idea that i’ve retained from ayn rand’s philosophy.



charity on the other hand is ayn rand’s nemesis. her main objection to charity is that it gives money to the undeserved, people who have not earned the money. i too had regarded charity with distaste. beyond the superficial dinners and special guests, i see an aristocratic form of mendicancy. however i do see the genuine goodness in charities and i am sympathic to their cause. it is just the money that bothers me; i believe money has to be earned not freely given out.

-paul ma, comparative expostulation of the self-

hot days, frigid nights. good cheesy title for something eh? not really. but it's the truth. the san diego of my memory has been replaced by this odd non-perfect weather we've been getting. pulling on sweatshirts, layering clothes, shivering in cold cars. these are not things associated with san diego. i try to travel always with a big blanket in my trunk, in case it gets exceptionally cold somewhere and someone starts freezing their arses off. call me consideration.



i was thinking about how friends have become family. and for some people, friends are more family than actual blood family. while this may be a sad state of affairs, it's kind of true. moms and dads and sisters and brothers are irreplaceable but now friends take such a prominent role in people's lives. people you grew up with, people you've told things to, people you're ultra-comfortable with, they become your family. and i've realized that sometimes what's missing (at least in my life) is that older person role. the parental figure who checks you and tells you when you shouldn't be doing something. friends are very supportive but as peers, they often have only so much maturity and wisdom to impart. and if you aren't that tight with your parents, where do you get the "mature" angle from?



who will watch you and guide you and help you along? it's gotta be someone who doesn't antagonize and nag you (thus ruling out parentals) but rather has walked a path before you and can point out the roadblocks. i don't have these kinds of people in my life. usually, i'm older or at the same age as anybody i'm close with. not that i'm really looking for a "mature" angle. i guess it's part of being conceited but i feel like my wisdom is good enough (realizing full well of course that it's not). i don't really like authority figures and people who tell me what to do. or tell me what they think i should do. i zone them out and unless i really respect them, i hardly think about what they have to say to me. i've had some older brotherly types in my life but they were more for fun purposes, and they were in no position to crack down on me.



do i need such a person? i'm inclined to think not. but in the family unit that friends have become, there seems to be a gaping hole in the "parent" role. then again, can friends fill that role? wisdom isn't age exclusive by any means so maybe one never needs that older person perspective. maybe i'll find out. maybe i wont.

i need to know. this DTR thing. meaning "define the relationship." is that a christian term? not as, is it in the bible, but as, is it in use mostly in christian fellowships and communities? i'd always thought it was. but perhaps it's just a regional thing or just a social slang thing that i was never aware of. the DTR is almost as interesting as a DDT....but not quite. answers. need'em.

i am yao ming. in another "yes we do all look the same" story. i'm checking out books and magazines from the library and the librarian (white, middle aged, female, white) does a double take when she scans one of the issues of sports illustrated (with yao on the cover). she says,"oh! i thought that was you!" riiiiiight. i am seven foot five inch. i am the first overall draft choice of the 2002 nba draft. i have short stilted out of proportion arms. i make millions of dollars. i just dropped twenty points (on nine of nine shooting) on the lakers. yeah, we're probably related....



and i heard on the radio today, some animal rights group wants everyone to adopt-a-turkey this thanksgiving as opposed to eating one. this isn't like adopt an endangered animal where you just send money and they take good care of the animal with your funds--then you get cute little pictures back. this group actually wants you to ADOPT a turkey. as in, take one home with you. "turkeys are excellent companions and will bring joy to your entire family." i'm all for animal rights and not eating turkeys on thanksgiving but to ask random people to start taking turkeys home with them in lieu of eating them? get off the crack! if you're gonna do that, just eat the damn turkey and save it some mistreatment and abuse since all your kids will be doing is pulling on the turkey's gizzard anyway. my gosh. if i ever walk into somebody's house and see a random stray turkey gobbling around because it was "saved." i would......i don't know what i would do. there's really no proper way to finish this sentence.

six million ways to die. choose one. a friend asked the other night, over coffee at dennys, if i would die for anything. a cause, an injustice, a person, a faith. anything. and after mulling it over a bit. i decided that there's nothing i would come close to dying for. i wouldn't even get maimed for anything. i don't think i love or care about anything enough to die for it. i don't even think i would want to die for myself. if that were possible. but i suppose in your mid-twenties you're not supposed to have anything to die for yet. although people do die. in their twenties. for something. just not me.



as a corollary, i was asked if perhaps i would die for freedom. and i answered that i didn't really know what lack of freedom was. because growing up in this country and this culture, you assume that you have it. freedom. and to try to postulate whether or not you would die for lack of it. is a little too hypothetical. would it be sad if i didn't have anything to die for when i'm older? or is that not sad at all?

there's a meteor shower tonight. the leonid one to be exact. it'll peak at about 2:30 am west coast time. so try to stay up for it. it could be the best meteor shower for the next century. and seeing as how none of us will be around for the next "greatest meteor shower on earth", a few hours of sleep is barely anything to sacrifice. then again, other meteor showers will show up once and again. and there's always the threat of nuclear explosions to send us into titillating convulsions. also, since this leonid thing is an annual event, it's probably got about as much excitement as fireworks every fourth of july. so go to bed. i'll tell you how cool the meteors were in the morning, since i'll be up anyway--saving the planet from orcs, elves and the occassional undead.



for the record, in a hundred years, if we aren't getting any closer to space exploration and terra-forming other planets, is life really gonna be worth living? i think not.



we're also having some record weather here in san diego. it's been as hot as eighty two today. the visibility is also quoted as "unlimited miles." how stellar is that? unlimited visibility up in here. up in here. the pressure is also 30.11 inches and rising. is that more or less than what you're feeling?

don't fake the funk on the nasty dunk. some people. try too hard. like, way too hard. it's a hard thing to pin down. trying too hard. you know it when you see it. like love. so yeah, it's pretty much un-see-able. but it's there. this overwhelming sense of needing to be "in." some people just exude it. a "take me take me!" type of stench. well, not a stench, because it's not a bad thing. but i digress. people learn, as they mature, that being accepted, and being in is really not all it's cracked up to be. as someone famously naughty (one of the rat pack i believe) once said: "any group that would have me as a member, i wouldn't want to be in." that's not the exact quote but close enough.



usually, people go through periods when they want to be a part of something. want to please certain people. want to gain that most elusive of things: respect, acceptance, and friends to bunch with. we need logos. "i'm with him" stickers. solidarity in numbers. that kind of thing. this period usually coincides with high school. and probably college. heck, this period probably started in elementary school. so basically, we're trying to be "in" our whole lives.



some people step outside of these boxes. and slip deftly and effortlessly in-between different groups and classifications. how much of their true selves they take with them is up to debate however. do all your friends see the same you? if i talk to andy and sally about toby, would they say the same thing about him? is it even important to keep the same "you" from group to group? or is it perfectly fine to switch skins as you move around.



this isn't important right now. the important thing is the "trying too hards". people will, surprisingly, accept you for who you are. there's no need to be too much anything. do as you do. and they will do back. or if they don't, do over. that's alot of do's. but it works.



i think that's what people learn. as they get older. to find their people. to find their niche. their spot. but sometimes, it seems like there is no niche. no people. no moses-es to cling to. no congregation. no peasants. no pro-you-tariats. no herd that wants to flock your way. and you're faced with the fact that you're just a single specimen, forever denied access to noah and his wonderful love boat. but that's okay too. because as long as you're still you, nothing could be worse. except for you know, that solitary confinement loneliness thing. but hey. it's better than being fake.

that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience. it's a funny thing. lying to yourself. denying the obvious facts so that you can come out cleaner than that bald guy. sometimes, you are forced to do certain "bad" things so you rationalize it away. like it's not so bad. and it's not wrong. it's just a matter of perspective. i really believe in absolute rights and wrongs. but in everyday life, absolute wrongs are so hard to define. and are evil thoughts really the same as evil deeds? never! thoughts don't hurt people. people hurt people!



i guess i'm not even talking about things as deep as evils. just some nebulous grey area things that you probably wouldn't tell anyone but your best friends. if even them. to speak something makes it concrete. it shows the world that you have this thought, this idea. even if it doesn't mean much in the long run, it's still hard to express things that you would rather just remain your own. but then there's a part of you which is just bursting to tell someone. that's why you need someone who is out there, out of your social sphere. someone who is totally trustworthy and totally willing to take anything you say in stride.



where do you find these people? among your friends? your peers? your contemporaries? in the pages of your journal? on the internet? in chat rooms? at 1-800 lines? i'm sometimes afraid to put down certain thoughts because it seems like once you commit something to paper, it's so permanent. and really, the only reason to put it down anywhere is so that you can remember what you felt at one exact moment. and if it's slightly embarassing or bad, who wants to risk that being discovered? not i. nor me. said the flea.



and how shocking is it when you're thinking something and you're kind of smirking to yourself, and then suddenly someone calls you out on your "secret" thought. as if the whole thing was dangling in mid-air like a cartoon balloon, just waiting for anyone to come over and read it. shocking i tell ya. shocking. but kind of funny too.

i've known rivers:

i've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins.



my soul has grown deep like the rivers.



i bathed in the euphrates when dawns were young.

i built my hut near the congo and it lulled me to sleep.

i looked upon the nile and raised the pyramids above it.

i heard the singing of the mississippi when abe lincoln went down to new orleans, and i've seen its muddy bosom turn all golden in the sunset.



i've known rivers:

ancient, dusky rivers.



my soul has grown deep like the rivers.

-langston hughes, the negro speaks of rivers-

children and other small things. it's so easy to curry favor with children. give them candy and gifts when they're in their formative stages and they'll love you forever. they'll hold you up as someone they like. and when they grow into young adults/teenagers, they'll keep that image of you in their mind. that's what happens to me, with uncles and aunts and older people. it's a bit shattering when you learn that they may not be these great people. that they have huge crippling flaws that make them not such a good person. but i guess as long as you continue to get the candy, you can keep certain perceptions alive.



everyone wants to be complimented. to be told the "right" things. and it makes you feel good. sometimes that borders on narcissism to the nth degree. because you have a tendency to like the people that like you. if they verbally tell you things that you like about yourself. it's like you say "oh, they see the real me." and when people say hurtful things or things that seem hurtful, is there a tendency to tune that out? should these comments be taken more seriously though? because in every statement is a germ of truth? i tend to let bad things slide off. toss them aside because "they just don't understand." but what if they do. what if these people see the truth and aren't deluded by what you present but actually see past all that? accepting all that is part of it too.



how do you tell people things that you see as self evident but will ultimately be hurtful. can you see these things within yourself? do you want to know? will it hurt us if i tell you? is it far better to be silent and supportive? calling someone out, that's truth. that's also bitterness and unawareness. but it's all interconnected to who you are and what you are. people don't want to be exposed but you can't hide forever. it's impossible.

let's dance! i know you got the feeling. i wish more people were here on wednesdays and thursdays in san diego. all the good spots to dance are on those days. free, casual, good music. just lacking......the party to go. as it were. even as much as clubbing has lost all its appeal to me, i miss friends. and people.....bunching. but then again, AIMing for a few hours yesterday at work kind of brought that up because all the working (and non-working) michigan people had a chat room. and you know how much fun that can be. some weeks, you reap the benefits of what you sow and good things just happen right after the other. non-stop machine gun style. this is definitely one of those weeks. it's hard to believe it's already thursday. my life is a little blessed right now......i look at my "schedule" sometimes and realize the weekend's right around the corner. i usually do this on tuesday. yup, blessed.



they should never close the beach. never. isn't that the point of a beach? to be open all the time?

the world is going crazy. manute bol is about to lace up some skates and play ice hockey. seriously. and the globetrotters lost to maryland. and on top of that, cedric ceballos is a globetrotter. is there no end to the madness? i love sports.

the uniqueness of american culture is this: rebellion. our country was forged through rebellion and we've sustained consistent growth by seeking new revolutions. the american dream is not only the ability to make lots of money and to be become all powerful. it also incorporates the spirit of dissension. the lowliest person on the evolutionary ladder can scream at the highest person. and in true american fashion, we respect the intent, if not always the message. we are all about the underdogs. of course capitalism and convention are pushing right back against all this independence but that's another story altogether.



a fundamental american principle is to always question authority. there is nothing more powerful than your own mind. and even if someone older or smarter or wiser tells you differently, you go on thinking what you're thinking. do as you do. (this does lead to a preponderance to judge people. because we tend to think that we are always right.) we laugh at the mistakes of our political and cultural heroes because every time they fuck up, they remind us that we're all the same. and it empowers us to think independently. of course this leads to a nation of malcontents and hypocrites but hey. nothing's perfect.



america is chaos on the biggest level. and we succeed in spite of it. or maybe because of it. most other cultures are bogged down in tradition and order. we flaunt casual fridays. i'm really not proud to be an american. but i love having grown up in america. and i suppose that might mean i love america.

-forgot where this is from-

cuz sharing is caring. there are times when people share things about themselves that seem to jump ahead of where you are in the friendship. i like that. when suddenly you find yourself finding out about someone and something that you probably shouldn't be finding out about until a bit later on the friendship curve. there are times when i meet someone, talk to them for a while, which turns into a long while....and the next day, life is suddenly totally different. because you've got a new friend that you feel incredibly close to. you've got a new perspective. you've got that shiny feeling like a new penny. i pretty much live for these moments.



and there are times when people expose themselves (not in that way) and show you their vulnerabilities and speak so frankly and honestly about something that you can't help but feel terribly special because they trusted you despite the lack of history between you. these are also pretty dope on the friend-o-meter.



on the flip side. there are times when people seem so very interesting but you just never get the opportunity to step up to that next level with them. and you're left constantly wondering about what they're like and what they think about. when i meet someone who i want to know better, i want to just absolutely devour them. know everything about them ASAP. and when that happens, it's great. when it doesn't happen, it makes me antsy.



people sometimes give you things totally out of the blue. physical things. like presents--commonly referred to in the vernacular as gifts--that you never expect and are semi-shocked to receive. but then you are so extremely grateful and thankful. and it's nice knowing that somebody has put forth the effort to grab something at random because it made them think of you. so. for the record. when you see apple emac....think jon.



alot of times, "thank you's" don't seem enough. just like "sorry" is so often inadequate. there really should be words that express the varying different degrees of "thank you" and "sorry." if the eskimos have a ton of words for snow, shouldn't we have hundreds of words for things that are important to us? i guess stuff like "gratitude" and "i feel your pain" are similar but they really come not so close to the meaning of "thank you" and "sorry."



there's alot of people i want to thank this weekend. and most of them, i didn't thank (yet?). so i guess i'll just psychically do it. and hope that my fledgling telepathic powers are in full effect. it's the thought that counts right?

okay. so you remember that music game we sometimes play when we're in big groups? two teams try to sing song battle back and forth with a certain word contained in the lyrics? like the word could be "blue" and the two teams take turns singing songs with the word "blue" in it. well. this guy, a certain jonathan harel, has made all the lyrics link to each other. by the word. so for example: you could click on "life" and get 802 songs with the word life in it. do you know the ramifications of this wonderful discovery? yeah. neither do i.

twenty-five years and my life is still

trying to get up that great big hill of hope

for a destination

and i realized quickly when i knew i should

that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

for whatever that means

and so i cry sometimes

when i'm lying in bed

just to get it all out

what's in my head

and i am feeling a little peculiar

-4 non blondes, what's up-

everyone should really explore this site. religious tolerance dot org. how anyone can remain totally ignorant and un-curious about religion is beyond me. something that demands the attention of 90% of the world in one form or another needs to be thought about. even in the most cursory manner. god is important people. the existence or lack thereof is up to debate but why live without purpose and direction? if religion is the opiate of the masses don't you at least want to see what all the fuss is about? that's pretty much why i like religion so much. if everyone else thinks about it so damn much, maybe i should too. *baa*baa* okay, i'm done rambling religiously for the day. peace.

digging for kryptonite. after a few times at bible study, one time at fellowship, two times at church, one time at a seekers group, i can clearly define why i'm going to these things. even though i'm not really there for any real religious purpose, i can feel my mind moving when we have something to talk about. but this movement of the mind is far different than four years ago. i'm able to mostly completely suspend disbelief at bible study. i jot down questions but pretty much answer them myself. sometimes, i'll ask the question anyway just to make sure the answer i think it is is the actual answer. but most of the time, the questions i'm concerned about are personal perspectives. what individual christians think about this issue, or how they apply this particular lesson in their lives. i'm no longer interested in arguing semantics. i'm no longer interested in arguing. i'm past the point of trying to figure out why this is right or why that is wrong. i could care less about challenging christianity's tenets. except for practice. it's odd, the farther i move away from christianity, the more interested i am in it. does anyone go to church to disbelieve in god? i think it's partly because i'm so disassociated from it that it becomes almost like anthropology. and that's what it is right now. it's not philosophy and/or religion. it's anthropology and sociology. approaching it from this angle is so different than how i did it in the past. demanding answers answers answers. it's like i've given up on the answers and am content just to concentrate on the questions.



still, lots of things irk me during bible study. mostly the bible study part. semi-ironic (unless irony is dead). but i guess you have to take the study of the bible along with the discussion part. bible study is a time for studying the bible after all. it does strike me that it must be difficult and intimidating for non-christians to enter this world. many terms are unfamiliar. many characters are unidentified. someone jumping directly into church or fellowship must be bombarded with all sorts of crazy lingo and ideas. i guess over time, if they stick around, they'll gain some insight into what those words and terms refer to. but i feel like sometimes, christians trying to illustrate their point with passages and stories from the bible, put the two before the one and say things that go right over people's heads. and i think that many people are afraid to ask "who is that?" or "what does that mean?" most of that stems from thinking that words of wisdom are spilling out of the book and the earthly mouth i guess. and that prevents them from asking some basic questions out of uncomfortability, or straight comfortability in ignorance. otherwise known as indifference.



and to those who ask "how is bible study?" bible study is good. really good. i chafe at some things. i smile/snicker to myself alot. i write down things i want to think about later on any available scraps of paper. i zone out some. i mentally note ridiculous totally irrelevant stories. i gather fuel for the fire. but then decide not to light it. i bite my tongue alot. i flick the little metal clasp on my bible back and forth a billion times. i see god sometimes. not the christian god. but god. i hear profound voices. audible and inaudible. i stare off into the distance alot. i like the fact that in a post-collegiate christian group, nobody is really there for the social events. if you've made the effort to come out on a work night, you're here to meet christ. and that is the type of dedication i would expect. i get bored some. i wonder what everyone is thinking. i listen to what people say, and then try to see if they're pulling punches. i wish bible study was less pc. i wish there was more rudeness and swearing. maybe just the former, the latter isn't really necessary. i'm impatient. i want to get to the point quickly. i try to be aware of how other people are taking things in. i wonder if i'll ever stop abstaining from praying. i wonder what my mom talks about in her bible study. i wish people used their own vocabulary when explaining things. and not the same words over and over again. this is however, no fault of their own. i wish the words "trust" and "love" and "faith" was defined as often as it is thrown around. i want to visit a mosque.

white teeth. i'm reading this wonderful book. i've had my eye on it forever. but i never had the money to spare at a bookstore so finally i decided to go to the library to see if they had a copy. lo and behold, it was there, in all it's laminated paperback glory. free books for reading. i've rediscovered the wonders of the public library and i've got books and magazines spilled everywhere in my room. anyway. this book. is so damn well written. it makes me ashamed to be of my generation because zadie smith is hardly older than me and she can do such great things. then again, mozart completed his first symphony by age nine. so piss on that.



irie, looking strangely like the crowd on top of the wall in her everyday garb of CND badges, graffiti-covered trousers, and beaded hair, shook her head in saddened disbelief. she was that age. whatever she said burst like genius into centuries of silence. whatever she touched was the first stroke of its kind. whatever she believed was not formed by faith but carved from certainty. whatever she thought was the first time such a thought had ever been thunk.

love is a vampire. i just saw the 1939 version of wuthering heights the other night. for class of course. it was pretty good, in that old black and white movie kind of way. what struck me most is what heathcliff says at the end to catherine.



to give some of you the semi-plot because heaven knows, not everyone read this book (although it was much better than i could of ever imagined)..... heathcliff and catherine grew up together and have this super eternal love bond but catherine spites him to marry a rich guy. and then heathcliff vows to take revenge on her, blah blah. at the end however, at catherine's death bed, while everyone else is praying for her to ascend to heaven, heathcliff says that he wants to curse her to become a ghost as long as he lives. that way, she can be by his side forever. and he pleads with her to take any form to be with him. even if it means he has to be haunted by her while he lives. and then after that, they can join each other in death.



how.....cute. this is supposed to a great gothic love story and while that part of it doesn't quite excite me, the originality of him cursing her to become a ghost so that they can be together forever touches a cord within me. it's like romantic and lovely but also kind of sick in a way because he's so damn selfish he won't let her spirit rest until his does. i like that. don't you?

the wheels on the bus go round and round. how does one stay happy amidst uncertainty and cloudy futures? that's the question i get asked alot. i mean. my life is pretty much headed to nowhere and i'm pedaling really hard with no wheels attached. yet, i stay tremendously happy most of the time. ok. tremendously might be an overstatement. but happy. i'm solidly happy. people are going through tough times and having lots of issues and here i sit, gloriously procrastinating away. trying to muster up the motivation to write my silly two page paper and my list poem. both of which are due tomorrow. both of which would take about half an hour. but instead, i've squandered yet another day wandering around the house. from family room to kitchen. to upstairs. to the computer. to the bathroom. to the kitchen. to outside. to the couch. and back again. twelve hours ago i promised that i would sit down and do my stupid paper, slap down some words and put in line breaks to make poetry. but i haven't done any of the above. and yet i'm happy. if a bit hesitant about my ability to wake up tomorrow. wheeeeee!!!



this is either the beginning of a long night or a terribly short one. depends on if i lie down or not. i try to challenge my willpower and semi lie down on my bed, in hopes that my responsible side will kick in ten minutes later and i'll jump up with renewed vigor and finish my work. my procrastination dragon and responsibility knight fight epic battles nightly. right around one o'clock. guess which one loses every time? i think i need a bigger horse. or a bigger lance. whoa. those are bad connotations. i need a bigger knight. or a smaller dragon. yup. smaller dragon. i'll take one of those for five hundred.

i just wrinkle my brow and stare at your lips. you know those moments when you first meet someone? or better yet, hang out with someone semi-alone for the first time? and you're in that weird stage of comfortability but then slip into "gee, i just met this person." it's hard to fight. sometimes the *clicking* that happens when you meet new friends and kick it with people goes up and down so fast, one moment you're laughing your head off like old friends and the next moment you're back to silence and shadowed gazes and drumming your head for questions. luckily, the fact that there is even any clickage is good. although there are times when both parties realize that you'll probably never see each other so you just sit in silence rather than waste perfectly good thoughts and words. that's kind of awkward.



i hate it when you don't think you'll ever see a person again so you really make no effort to be talkative or social but then you end up seeing them all over the place. and then you're sort of stuck in this negative limbo space of "oh we've met before but last time i didn't really want to talk to you. at all." and really, the whole thing about being personable is asking questions. socialness isn't hard. it's just questions followed by more questions. the hard part is conveying interest. half the time when i meet people, i could really care less if they asked me questions, i just bombard them with a zillion questions so that they talk on and on. it's less draining that way i find. especially now. trying to meet and greet and "tell a little bit about yourself" is just not in the stars recently. but that doesn't mean i'm not interested. so if i ask you lots of questions, don't be offended. i just want to get past the whole "basic info" part of the friendship game and move onto the comfortable silences era.



people should really walk around with 411 and info cards to hand out instead of business cards. so you can look and see if anything interests you. this whole discovering as you go thing in conversation is sometimes overrated. gimme the good stuff up front and don't bore me. this is just my feeling on this subject for today. adherence to this idea varies by season, if not more often.

mayfly for october. one giant step for mankind. two steps forward. one step back. do the hokey pokey and shake it all about.

this poem about marriage was quoted in reality bites, one of the greatest movies of all time. an excerpt.



should i get married? should i be good?

astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and faustus hood?

don't take her to movies but to cemeteries

tell all about werewolf bathtubs and forked clarinets

then desire her and kiss her and all the preliminaries

and she going just so far and i understanding why

not getting angry saying you must feel! it's beautiful to feel!

instead take her in my arms lean against an old crooked tombstone

and woo her the entire night the constellations in the sky

-gregory corso, marriage-

ultimate wedding. went to the most picturesque perfect wedding one could of imagined this weekend. me and george's childhood friend, helen, was getting married after nearly six years of relationship bliss with her boyfriend. the wedding was located in beautiful palos verdes, overlooking the city and the beach. sadly, the sunset didn't coincide with the ceremony but that was the only thing that went wrong (except for maybe george's slight mishap). we, the twins, were the guestbook greeters. which basically meant i stood around while george smiled and greeted people and handed out "programs." helen made all the little wedding items herself. the name things for dinner. the little message cards (in lieu of an actual guestbook). and this wasn't no five and dime cut-and-paste job, the pieces were extremely detailed, with intricate little flowers and other decoration.



helen looked absolutely beautiful. her dress was off the hook. she had a little tiara too. it was a non-traditional wedding, chinese and jewish, and that created some cool synergy. they pulled off a service that respected and celebrated both cultures, and even had pumpkin pie instead of a traditional wedding cake. the groomsmen were all comedians. all four of them gave hilarious speeches and helen's dad topped them all with a speech referring to helen as "an ugly duckling" in her youth. you can't beat asian parents for unexpected humor.



my last wedding experience was much smaller and more intimate and compared to that, helen's wedding was much bigger, one hundred thirty people. you seriously could of filmed the wedding for a movie. it was oddly touching and you know how some weddings seem stale and give you that feeling of "that's it?!" this wedding was just "it." the it wedding. i have so many cliches i could say about this wedding. "i've never seen her so happy...blah blah." and all of it would be true. rarely does real life live up to imagination. and this time i would have to say it did. i sound like a wanna-be bride but honestly, if you had gone to this wedding, you would feel that way too.



i saw a few parental figures from our childhood and they kept exclaiming how tall we were. we met some girl who used to live on our street at high country west. i saw my old blind-date prom date from many years ago. i wanted to go say hi and i'm pretty sure we were both aware of each other, but we didn't say anything. kinda stupid really. next time i'll have to just say hi. a weird part of me just avoids situations like that.

and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. *ding dong* expecting a hong, or maybe even a babbs, the last thing i expected to see at the door were little kids demanding candy. a lion, a witch and a wardrobe greeted me. no, just kidding. what kind of kid dresses up as a wardrobe? most of my house lights were off but i guess these particularly daring little tricksters came to my door anyway. as my shock wore off, i wondering what i could give these kids. did i have any prepared sweets? nope. did i have any cans of tuna? yes. but then what would i eat for the next week? did i have any candy? no......er......yes. i had four pieces of hershey's chocolate left sitting in my family room. some with almonds, some with not. i considered giving these chocolates away to reward these young industrious souls but then decided against it.



hey, the little bastards can get free candy from anywhere tonight. i have to buy my candy with cold hard cash. the spirit of christmas whisked away and the grinch smiled admirably over my shoulder as i said "sorry, i don't have any candy." where they disappointed? who the hell cares. who the hell knows. they were all wearing masks anyway. for all i know, they were midgets trying to frisk the last remaining edible items from my house. ahhhh. if only i had a little child to take around today, then i would have candy up the wazoo. instead, i'm forced to turn off most of my house lights and ignore the occasional doorbell. i considered putting an empty bowl outside, implying that i once had candy to give, but then decided against that idea. after all, if you never intended to give away any candy i feel like you should be at least be honest and hide out quietly. who the hell starts trick or treating before six o'clock anyway? dumb kids.



if only kids really did tricks for lack of treats. then irresponsible, unspirited young adults like me would be forced to give out candy. that's why you should always carry eggs. and toilet paper. to mark a "dud" house. foolish kids, they don't know anything. happy halloween all.