sting like a butterfly, float like a bee. insecurities. don't have a huge amount of those. mainly because of the way i approach them. instead of leading with the right, i lead with my flaws. self depreciation is not only entertaining, it's useful as a tool to deal with your issues. an incomplete list of my flaws: i'm flightly, i'm unreliable, i'm selfish, i'm lazy, i'm irresponsible, i clash. actually no, i don't clash. i make sure not to clash. colormatch your shit. don't clash man. it hurts my eyes. unless that's your style, clashing.



i've been lucky enough to be placed in situations where my security is assured. perhaps that's a sign of insecurity right there. avoiding places that breed insecurity. i stay in my comfort zones, i do what i know i can do and stay out of the places i can't hang. i'm quick to give props to talent greater than mine. embarassment is a bitch and i shy away from that. for example, i can't out flatulate my friends, so i don't do it. and i push them to stop flatulating so that i won't have to suffer from my flatulating inadequacies. i give in, you win. your ass muscles are more powerful than mine. actually, all your muscles are probably more powerful than mine. i can accept that.



i bandy all my flaws to the world so that you know them and i know them before they can be unearthed. i'm more than willing to admit what i'm bad at. no need to hide it. it's healthier this way. this attitude, of course, tends to lead to megalomania. as in thinking that you're greater than you actually are. if everything bad can be trivialized then you tend to see only your good, and think that will be enough to negate your bad. but this is not always the case, bads can outweigh goods. except in my case. because i'm always right. see what i mean? megalomania.



i've also been accused of living in a state of delusion. an alternate reality if you will. i'm not sure if this bothers me in the slightest. i'm waiting for that hammer to drop. that moment when i realize "oly shit. everything i've ever thought or done is wrong. all my ideas of the world are completely one eighty degrees wrong." but i doubt this will happen. this might qualify as delusion i suppose. but i'm hoping not.



it's like dating. if you lead with your charming great side, you are always living up to that image. but if you lead with your D game, there will be soft appreciation and golf applause when you bring your C game. it's a strategy really. low ball them so that expectations are dirt low. then blow them out of the water when you exceed those expectations. i learned that one from calvin.



i think most insecurities are bred in childhood. parents drive insecurities into you. academics breed insecurities in you. society breeds insecurities in you. friends breed insecurities in you. random strangers cooler than you breed insecurities in you. football stars and cheerleaders breed insecurities into you. but i've grown up in an environment where i've been able to avoid most of that. my friends have been ready packaged for me by my parents. my economic status has been ready packaged by my parents. my intelligence has been ready packaged for me by my parents. my culture has given me a role as the all important first born son. having a twin (who looks just like me!) has made me at least nominally interesting. i've been given many advantages to buttress my self esteem. not everybody gets that. and i can't decide if it's through luck or skill that i'm a relatively secure and carefree person. the metaphysical ramifications to that question are astounding. my entire worldview and philosophies are up for debate if the answer is luck and not skill.



a friend pointed out to me that i seem to be proud of my flaws. and said that that's almost as bad as being insecure about them. that got me thinking alot. i've constructed a persona that glamorizes my negatives. that can't be good. it leads to an unwillingness to fix those flaws. over acceptance of flaws is just as tragic as not appreciating your strengths. and i don't want to be tragic. i just want to be wealthy.