"self esteem is the simultaneous recognition of our positive and negative traits."



this to me is not a bad definition of self esteem at all. because most of the time, we tend think of self esteem as something that allows us to recognize and elevate our positive traits. but we forget that the (more?) important part of self esteem is realizing our failings and coming to terms with those. that is why a person could be a great nine out of ten but still have low self esteem, because of the overwhelming inadequacy caused by missing that last tenth.



i think that is something asian kids have to deal with on a regular basis. or perhaps all kids have to deal with this. but the stereotypical asian kid, this is their bane in life. having to deal with and come to terms with never being a complete ten, but having parents who expect it. parents know that a ten is impossible, yet they push for it anyway. because pushing will always make it so, right? ack. enough about parents and asians and asian parents.



it's been of recent interest to me to figure out where everybody gets their self esteem. that moment, that period, that thing, that epiphany or disaster which made them realize, "hey i am who i am and fuck everything else." some people are gifted with it. most people gradually pick it up over time. some people never get comfortable enough with themselves to establish self esteem and that is sort of strange to me. i feel like most people should, by the mid-twenties, have a semi-decent idea of who they are and why they are. but then again, i understand that the curve for everyone is different. and that is a fascinating thing.



i want to ask all my friends where they first consciously got their self esteem. (as if self esteem was something you could "get" at the local mall or amazon or ebay. which would be an interesting idea actually. auctioning off excess self esteem. how much would you be willing to pay for that?) what types of moments and stories go behind them figuring out who they are. it's a process to be sure, but everyone comes into their own at some point, and i want to know where that transitional point is. it always surpises me when i think someone has a whole lot of self esteem and then we conversate and i find out about alot of their insecurities and such. is self esteem and insecurity related? is insecurity a lack of self esteem? hum.



the point is. that self esteem is something to be explored. my initial hypothesis is that the people with self esteem, probably don't think about it too much. they just have it, they don't worry about it where they got it. the ones who think about self esteem the most are the ones who feel like they lack it. so they have to figure out what it is before they can acquire it. that is the way it is with most things. those on the outside, make the best analysts and observers, because they know what it is like to not have something, and so are in a more objective position to break it down break it down.



everyone can relate of course, because none of us are black and white caricatures of people, we are real people (yes, it's true. i researched it). and the most common answer i receive from my question of "so, how secure or insecure are you?" is the response "i feel very secure in *this* area but very insecure in *that* area." and that is normal. we are imperfect and so we must have insecurities about our flaws. but self esteem as a general concept is more dealing with your overall vibe and not an offsetting tally of your securites and insecurities. everyone has those, but most people are still clearly separatable into those with self esteem and those who do not. i don't mean to make it sound like low self esteem is bad. having below average self esteem is probably quite excellent. many a kingdom has been forged from nothing less than a strong will and a pair of low self esteems.



back to the definition of self esteem. in my observations, the people who most personify self esteem are those people who are most comfortable with their failings. your lack of self esteem will always show, it may take time, but it will show. we will find you insecurities and tickle them. i promise you. you cannot hide. you can only become secure in your failings. and thus, gain self esteem in the process. nobody can hide forever. you must be seek-ed.



i think i want to make my first ever zine about self esteem. it would be a grand zine where confused, lonely and alienated souls could read about anonymous strangers' (ie. my friends) tales of "how i got my self esteem and ate it too." man. that is the best idea i've had all week. and to think, it's only sunday.