gossip folks. there's a thin red line between talking about someone and gossiping. where is that line exactly? gossiping, it's such a bad thing. people are always like "i hate gossiping." but really, it's not so bad. entire civilizations -- or at least elementary school cliques -- have remained in power because of gossip. talking is one of our (humans) greatest biological advantages. the sharing of information has been key to our survival. for example, "i heard the king is going insane and is unfit to rule, let's start a coup." or "i heard romeo and juliet got married, let's go kill each other." people who stay in touch with gossip are informed and entertaining. entire industries have sprung up around the gossip that surrounds our celebrities but somehow that type of gossip is okay. because if you're gonna be in the public eye, you have to bear the weight of gossip.



the definition of gossip is: rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. that pretty much covers it. gossip is personal stuff. stuff that a person probably doesn't want others to know. but then again, what do we ever want anyone to know? especially strangers? i make the distinction between gossip and information at whether or not the person i'm addressing knows the gossipee. if the person doesn't know whom i'm talking about, i feel like i'm just relating a story. if they do know, then i'm gossiping. i'm a bit surprised that the phrase "possibly untrue" or something similar doesn't appear in the definition of gossip. the word has such a bad connotation that you would assume it would mean "spreading false stories" or something like that, at least as an alternate definition.



it's interesting that gossip can be defined as: a close friend or companion. which leads me to logically conclude that among a group of close friends and companions, gossip is part of the glue that holds everyone together. and if that is the case, i've got the closest group of friends ever to grace the planet. through the power of aim and inquisitive minds, no stone is unturned when vital information is being doled out to the populace. sometimes you can actually hear the sound barrier being broken as news travels at supersonic speeds from coast to coast. or county to county, depending on which group of friends you are in my life. "dude, so and so got fired, but she's going to go to law school." "blank and blank finally hooked up." "i think he saw her again last night." "they broke up." no way. way.



sometimes you can get the news back full circle faster than you can spread it yourself. with a good gossiping network there is no need for mass e-mails. for example, i would say the news of anna and eric's upcoming baby broke all records for dissemination of information. i went to bed hearing about the news and was ready to spread the joy in the morning, only to be bombarded by "they're having a baby" messages popping up on my screen. i felt like a lazy journalist who had been out-scooped.



there must be some law, similar to einstein's theory of relativity, about the speed of gossip. something like the closer you are to the source, the slower time gets or something. although it would probably work in reverse. the equation for the theory of relative gossiping would probably be g = jr^2. with the (j) being defined as "juicy" and (r) defined as "relevant." so if some gossip is particularly juicy and relevant, it will be spread at speeds approaching or surpassing lightspeed -- warp speed if you will. with gossip, unlike theoretical time travel, we can sometimes predict and see the future. it's powerful stuff, gossip. i wonder if bad gossip spreads faster than good gossip. or if they are equal. i guess that would be the juicy coefficient. but does bad news travel slower than good news? since you might not define either as being particularly juicy? someone must give me a grant to study gossip. then i will have purpose, and that is so much better than having a life.



some people abhor being the object of gossip. these people are probably hypocrites, just so you know. i feel like if you want to know gossip, you must be ready to deal with being gossiped about. it's a double edged sword, you can't wield gossip and not have it come back to hurt you in the long run. but if you are willing to be "out of the loop" then you should be given the right to not be gossiped about. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. some people are gossip stoppers, as in information hits them and they just chew and chew but never regurgitate it back out. these people are the weak links in the gossip chain, they must be eliminated. we must be open and treat our enemies like our friends. look it up, it's in the bible. since we must gossip about our friends (as proved above by dictionary definition), we must also gossip about our enemies. so gossip on people. there is no gossip guilt that cannot be absolved later. god is all forgiving; humans are forgetful and mortal. there are no eternal consequences to gossiping.



you ask, "brother jon, how is it you know so much about gossip?" well, for many years i lived with the original gossip queen -- you down with o-g-q? yeah you know who! she likes to know everything about everybody. even people she's met for three seconds. she likes to know everything that was ever said about her, no matter how minute. she roots for gossip like pigs root for truffles. if there is gossip she wants to hear about it. know this, she is a gossip monger and she's not afraid to ask you for yours. this is how i know so much about gossip. i have been trained by the best. don't worry, your secret is safe with us. i mean me. your secret is safe with me.



izzy kizzy lizzy go, musi ques, i sews on bews, i pues a twos on que zat, pue zoo, my kizzer...