glossary. in high school i had two good friends, justin and shane, who were on their own planet. i was not the lightbulb, i was just a hang-er on-er. they had codewords and acryonyms for everything. i was not privy to the meanings of many of them but the ones i do know were kind of gross. for example. "lmlyma" meant "lick my labia yelled mrs alexander." mrs alexander (name changed to protect the innocent) was a teacher at my school, english i believe. yeah, it was weird. the one thing that i was always dying to find out the definition for was "newht." this was their favorite word and justin even got it on his license plate. for many years i tried to divine the meaning behind this cryptic acronym but i never could. and now we are no longer friends or in contact. i may have to go to my ten year high school reunion just to ask him what the hell "newht" meant. anyway, some useful words and phrases that i/we have been using. with definitions and explanations.



fort knox of secrets. the self proclaimed fort knox of secrets is lynn chen. see, fort knox is highly secure, and so are secrets with lynn. or so she says anyway. to her credit, there have been no reported incidences of security breaches, so her title remains intact. this phrase can be adapted for your own personal level of secrets security. or for adding your own flair to the description. for example, you might want to be the vegas or the bellagio of secrets, instead of fort knox. or maybe you are the washington mutual of secrets -- free checking and no withdrawal fees. people with loose lips might be the seven eleven of secrets -- conveniently open for secrets purchasing at all times. i personally strive to be the salvation army of secrets -- i take everything on the cheap and mark up for the customer, all while under the pretense of helping others.



not a musketeer. the musketeer rallying cry is "all for one and one for all." a person labeled as not a musketeer is precisely that, not all for one and one for all. they may front and pretend to be for the group but when it comes right down to it, they do their own thing. this is more popularly known as the lone wolf syndrome. not a musketeer people will ditch the group at their convenience and will often be missing at events that they should be at. an easy example of a non-musketeer move would be for someone to move in on their friend's ex. exes should be off limits or only approachable when given the go ahead. anyone who crosses that line is not a musketeer. please note that non-musketeers are not tools nor bitches, although they can be both or all three. girls and guys are both equally capable of being labeled "not a musketeer."



draw the horse. a story to illustrate. three years ago, christmas time, we were all sitting around in my living room playing win, lose or draw. it was quickly discovered that george could not draw animals. any animal given to her inevitably came out looking like a horse. dogs, cats, sheep, cows, chickens, octupuses, everytime she put pen to paper she created a horse-like creature. this soon led to a losing position for her team. soon afterward, her team had to adopt the strategy of drawing a horse to confuse the other team. if anyone drew a horse, it meant that the guesses were nowhere close and to give up and not give the other team an advantage. so thus, to "draw the horse" is to "abort the mission." applicable in all situations.



peanut, coconut, pistachio nut, white pistachio nut, macadamian nut...... another abort code. when a group talk veers toward an unfriendly topic or line of questioning --say, when calling someone a tool when their cousin is sitting right there. hypothetical situation, of course. -- someone must call out the name of a nut. or if you are like fob jimmy, you can scream out "planters," which is a nut brand. anyway, by inserting a nut reference cleverly into the conversation, those in the know will know that the topic needs to be lightly steered towards a more palatable subject. brilliant. do you see why we are destined to become rich men? the nut reference is to a deleted scene in "best in show." if you've seen it, you'll know what we're talking about. and since you all now know our abort code, we may have to go to the secondary protocol, which i cannot reveal here.



cuddle raped. the action of being cuddled against your will. usually from behind and when you are asleep. many definitions can be created by adding "cuddle" in front of a common word. examples: cuddle whore, cuddle bitch. this is almost as fun as adding "in bed" after fortune cookies, but clearly not as cliche.



like ho. a description for someone who crushes and likes easily. instead of engaging in actual relationships and being one of those people, a like ho just likes people left and right, one after the other. no explanations really needed here. we all know who the like hoes are.



one hot minute. one unit of babbs standard time. it could range from one actual minute to three days from now. typically used in a phrase such as "i'll catch up with you guys in one hot minute." meaning "i don't know when i'll be there, but i'll definitely be there." he hasn't used this phrase in awhile but it's still funny.



hardcore. an e agustin original. anything played "hardcore" meant it was taken to the next level. getting hardcore meant getting your head pummelled with pillows while engaging in an activity. i hope i have this definition correct because i've never actually seen or participated in anything hardcore.



moltisanti. similar to "not a musketeer." christopher moltisanti is the character on the sopranos who is always doing things that go against the party line. like robbing uncle junior's trucks and getting tony in trouble. so, to pull a moltisanti is to pull a bonehead move that clearly brings your loyalty into question. so, a moltisanti move verges on the slightly traitorous. this is not usually a permanent title but used in case by case situations. "is so-and-so a moltisanti? was that a moltisanti?"



what's really good. sam introduced this one to my world. in fact, nobody else i know uses this. it's apparently a greeting used by hip hop people. a cam'ron song i believe? i have no clue. it sounds normal coming from sam but anyone else, it's just "hunh?" i've heard some people say "i have no idea what that means, what's really good?" mass confusion abounds. so even though this definition is available elsewhere, i must include it here since it has personal relevance. for the record, sam is the king of catch phrases and words. the undisputed king.



best comment overheard at gene's show last night: that guy's gonna get laid tonight because of gene. actually, it wasn't overheard, christina said it to me, but it sounds stylistically correct to say "overheard." anyhow, that's how good he was last night (show this friday @ twiggs, come on down!). the girl was gaga over gene's soothing voice and her head was leaning provocatively on her boyfriend's shoulder. go dave's son.