asian man to pretend to be my fiancee. i am applying for a new job. compensation is negotiable but the travel, food and lodging are free. and this is part time so that i can still concentrate on my budding (invisible) writing career. i'm quite perfect for the position since it will involve much lying and deception. i have been unwittingly preparing for this job my entire life. it is a job that includes hanging out with older asian people and fooling them into thinking that you are semi-responsible and a good person. i am adonis.



connie forwarded me this job from craigslist. "hi. my grandfather is really sick and his last wish is to see that his grand daughter (me) will find a good, asian man to be my future husband. i'm in my early twenties and very independent, but my family is afraid that my independence will turn an old maid out of me. i just need someone to pretend to be my fiancee so everybody will get off my back." if this ad does not have the ring of truth and desperation to it then bush is not a liar. i, super jon, will move in quickly and save the day. i have written her an email expressing my interest. will it work? time will tell. if this job doesn't come through, it's back to unemployment and loser-ville for me. oh wait, i'm already there.

my name is jon and i would like to be your faux boyfriend. having extensive experience fooling the elderly, i feel my qualifications and character recommendations for this position would astound and amuse you. luckily, my area of expertise also happens to be asian elderly people. a friend forwarded this opportunity to me with the subject heading "you are perfect for this job." if that sort of two thumbs up-ness from a friend of a stranger doesn't intrigue you enough, i don't know what will.



i am sure i look better than your ex-boyfriend since all ex-boyfriends are inherently misshapen and doomed to the ninth circle of hell. i speak conversational mandarin and am able to order basic solid foods at chinese restaurants. if you are not of chinese descent then i might be useless, but let our peoples forgive (but not forget) the grudges of the past and create a new asia america. i know that you prefer a queer man but allow me to inject here that i am the "gayest straight guy" any of my friends know. i embraced the term 'metrosex' when it came out and have had extensive experience with not only my little pony but also the baby sitter's club book series. plus, my hands are inhumanely soft and delicate. just screams gay doesn't it? so rest assured, there is no booty chasing for this straight male. your booty is safe with me. on a related straight note, i am also insanely not luvvy duvvy, so have no worries, there are no tears or emotions sitting in my corner waiting to rear its ugly head.



if you don't want to bother replying to this email, i understand. but please do since i'm deathly curious if this is one big hoax or an actual life situation. great, thank you for listening. continued good health to your grandfather. perhaps you could convince him to go to disneyland as a last wish? i mean, that would be much easier and cheaper for you. i've heard the new haunted house is quite extraordinary.



your future asian man to pretend to be my fiancee,

with utmost contrived depth and feeling,

jon



ps. don't ever let anyone tell you that you are an average jane, since all life on earth is beautiful. and that would logically imply that you are beautiful. this my brown nosing, in case you missed it. au revoir.