love is a chameleon. whence how, there fore, how to, blue cow? attraction is the strangest thing in the world. for example, movie stars. some are undeniably beautiful and most people would agree with the statement that "yes, nicole kidman is beautiful." however, not everyone would be attracted to her. "she's not my type." not your type?! what kind of crack are you smoking? in what world is nicole kidman not someone's type? oh, hi tom. actually, she's not my type either, although really, she is about the most the sublime definition of beauty and grace you might ever find.



for girls, take exhibit a: brad pitt. you either adore him or you think he looks like an upright ape. i don't see how brad pitt looks like an ape but some people do. must be something about the chiseled frame, the long flowing locks and the stellar movie roles that turn certain girls off. who knows. hope for all malekind is lost if brad pitt is not 99% attractive. and can you believe that he's forty? there is life after forty, for the genetically blessed.



anyway, some people are just attracted to weird things. you can't define who you are attracted to because you just either are or aren't. guys are better at this than girls. or rather, guys tend to be attracted to all sorts of "types." it must be a natural selection thing. guys who cast their attention nets into a smaller pool probably died out rather quickly. but those who were inclined to hit on anything that moved probably increased their chances of procreation and the passing on of genes. alternately this might explain why you ladies get hit on by all the sleazy guys in public places. it's natural selection baby. can i have your number?



who's someone that doesn't seem objectively overwhelming attractive but you're just simply attracted to? for seemingly no good reason at all? i have a friend (name withheld out of respect) who said "joan cusack." that pretty much ends the conversation right there. joan cusack? joan cusack is a wonderful woman i'm sure and she's made quite a living hitching a ride on her brother's coattails but really, she is not a looker. but that i suppose, is the ultimate power of random attraction. it's random and unexplainable. this applies in real life too. sometimes you just can't explain why you're attracted to somebody. even if faced with a mexican firing squad. you just can't explain it.



i have one theory on this type of "blind" attraction involving the real time interaction of mass pheromones. but it's not all that complicated, or at all original. so by the mere admission that my theory is pheromone-based, you should be able to deduce what i'm talking about. the other more original theory is still under construction, to be revealed to the world at the proper time. most likely at a parade with lots of balloons, banners, bands, confetti and a ridiculous amount of ticker tape (is ticker tape just confetti?) and fanfare.



oh the other thing i was gonna say about girls is that they tend to stick to their types better. "i like small scrawny men with braidable back hair and a pink eye." this then usually eliminates most of the population who doesn't fit this criteria. girls are much better about defining their types and actually being only attracted to their types. exceptions exist of course (as with everything) but for the most part, girls have a type that is readily identifiable and preferred. we males are again, just whores with no idea behind the meaning of words like "restraint" or "criteria." "now does that come with the mashed potatoes or the freedom fries?"



the one celebrity i've never heard anybody say isn't attractive is charlize theron. she seems to be universally considered hot and attractive. by men and women of all ages. so she takes the booby prize. we'll take her booby prize back if we can find someone who doesn't find her attractive. so until that time, her boobies are hers and not ours. or yours.



i think my strange yet true attraction has got to be scarlett johansson. maybe it's her characters, maybe it's just her. i'm strangely compelled to be attracted to her. in a curious cross-referencing of attraction, i think she has some joan cusack-ish qualities. what does it all mean gene?



update: i've actually just been updated on ms johansson's presence at the golden globes. in which she looks a right bit more fine than in her role in ghost world. so my strange yet true attraction may no longer be all that unique.



there is also a huge difference between being attracted to someone and saying that someone is attractive. to be expounded upon later if there is any confusion about these compeletely different statements.