girl you know it's true. oooh oooh oooh. girls can be many things. smart. pretty. soft. entrancing. contagious. obnoxious. giggly. annoying. emotional. moody. sweet. beautiful. delicate. motherly. intelligent. wise. ridiculous. annoying. difficult. standoffish. voluptuous. the list goes on. but the thing that i think girls are the least is: funny. girls aren't funny. for the most part. allow me to explain myself before i am pilloried by the females in the audience. hi baby, i'll see you after the show. and after the party it's the hotel lobby and.....um. right. aniwaise.



in my experience (narrow as it may be, since i only know maybe say two thousand girls in the world, including the ones on tv. which works out to about 33.3e-7 of the entire female population), girls are not funny. they can laugh alot. they can be cutesy funny. or clumsy funny. or be fun to have around. or be fun to play with. or be fun to talk to. but they aren't straight up funny. not like a guy might be funny. when a girl is funny, you are usually laughing at them or with them but not necessarily because of them. you know?



i have a theory why. funny girls are not something society wants. at no time was funny a necessary trait for a girl to have. did we breed for funny? no. we bred for beautiful (since i'm being shot after this i'm just gonna go all the way here). in fact, a funny girl can be almost counter productive to biological goal of passing on genes. funny girls sometimes can come off as too smart or too lewd, depending on the type of humor they possess. this scares some guys off. i know i know, fuck the guys, it's wrong. we're all jerks. whatever. anyway. i don't think funny is necessarily a trait that guys look for or want in an ideal woman. dispute me if you want to lose.



now a guy, we are all ugly by design. well most of us. i can't speak for the 33.3e-7 percent that i don't know. anyhow. guys who look weird and unsightly must evolve some sort of way to get into the sack. otherwise we would all die out eventually. so biological and social mutation took over and things like "nice", "rich", "stable", and "funny" came to be interchangeable with "attractive." sorry girls, you are mainly worth what you look like (i prefer drowning to a fire death and a quick over a slow death. thanks.). it's a double standard, it sucks, i feel your pain. anyway.



to prove my first point, how many times have you heard in response to the "why are you with him?" question: "because he makes me laugh." because-he-makes-me-laugh. that is enough to overcome most cases of physical disgust. incredible. this does not mean that all funny guys get the hot chicks ("hot" being used here symbiotically with the word "desireable"). the only thing a funny guy might get is a girl. simple and plain. the funny guy stands a chance. hallelujah. go jerry seinfeld go.



another example perhaps? let's astound with this one ladies. which friend would you prefer? (assuming they were real people and not fictional characters being played by real life actors.) chandler, ross or joey? none are blazingly great looking. none are rich. they seem to all be nice. which one would you choose? sexy joey, witty chandler or sensitive ross? i'd bet most girls would go with chandler. after all, monica did! why? because he's funny! i'll take the trophy now, thank you very much mr stern, see you next year.



i know personally very few honest to goodness funny girls in my life. perhaps my standards are high. after all, i am not amused by the antics of dumb and dumber nor austin powers. call me blind, call me hard to please. but most girls i know, are not funny. not funny like the guys i know that are funny. the girls that i do find funny are hilariously funny. and top rate. and i love them for it. but they are a rare species of bird, the funny girl.



actually, i have another theory that goes along with this one. there are many funny girls, but when you put them into mixed gender environments (that means boys and girls in the same room), they clam up. they go from hilari-fucking-funny to cute and flirty. because they know, if not consciously, that that is what guys want. they want cute and flirty, not funny and loud. to drive the final punishing nail into my stunningly logical presentation, i asked a knowledgeable insider (president of a sorority) to give her insight into this matter. this is what she had to say. keep in mind this is an anachronic exclusive. you will not find this type of honesty anywhere else.

i absolutely agree. girls are not funny. i do however have a friend that is hot (csuf dance team, huge boobs), smart (english major book nerd), and very funny at her best. however, around guys she usually just plays the "aren't i cute" role and funny just isn't a highlight. but girls aren't suppose to be funny anyways. we're just suppose to be pretty. boys aren't pretty so they need something else to make up for it. hah. and just the same with witty guys eventually being coined as "jerks", witty girls eventually become bitches.

-lil'ho-

if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit. i rest my case. i think that in order to remedy this problem, we (males) must promote and nurture funny girls. a girl says something even slightly funny? laugh uproariously. laugh more than you need to. say things like "that was a knee slapper honey, you sure are damn sexy!" after a few generations of this i feel like girls will be funny. what do you think?



my casket size would be around six foot two and i prefer redwood or oak to balsa. thank you. did i mention that girls can also be forgiving? most girls i know are definitely forgiving. very forgiving.