tap that ass. shake your little thang. it's been so long since i've tried my best at something, something worthwhile. not something related to games, petty challenges or inconsequential errata. but tried my best at something real. something like school, or work, or life. i'm not sure if it's fear of failure, or just lack of proper motivation. i'll go with the latter because i'm a believer that one can do anything, within limits. however, i half ass so many things i hardly get anything done. in school for example, i'm not there to learn necessarily, to excel and get the A. a B or even a C would be okay by me, as long as i pass and get my credits. any learning that meanders its way into my brain is a bonus.



when was the last time i really really tried hard to dominate a class and get a super grade? try never. if an A happens, it happens, if it doesn't, i'm okay with something lesser. the way i've figured it is that it takes a seventy percent effort to get a B but a ninety five percent effort to get an elusive A. so pretty much i put forth my seventy percent and take what comes.



my papers are bullshit wrapped in gibberish and i would not be proud of them after the fact. my assignments are to be done, not necessarily done well. what can i get away with? what corners can i cut? that's how i operate. even with this flute thing, i'm hesitant to throw myself into it, to give it my all. because i'm not sure where that would lead me. success probably. but i can't even do it for that worthwhile goal. i'm complacent.



that feeling of trying your very hardest and then succeeding is a rare one for me. even in basketball, i'll loaf if we're winning and only play hard if it's a tight intense game. i see losing as a clear alternative, while some may see it as certain doom. i see the next horizon too easily. live to fight another day i say (in warcraft and in life). does this mean that there is no push? no internal pressure to succeed? probably. this half ass-ness should only be used in the appropriate spots, but i've done it for so long it's become habit.



it's amazing how far half ass-ed-ness has gotten me. to five am sleeping times, to one pm mornings. to having a flimsy and quite possibly fabricated resume. i speak about wanting to "go go go." but it never happens.