digging for kryptonite. after a few times at bible study, one time at fellowship, two times at church, one time at a seekers group, i can clearly define why i'm going to these things. even though i'm not really there for any real religious purpose, i can feel my mind moving when we have something to talk about. but this movement of the mind is far different than four years ago. i'm able to mostly completely suspend disbelief at bible study. i jot down questions but pretty much answer them myself. sometimes, i'll ask the question anyway just to make sure the answer i think it is is the actual answer. but most of the time, the questions i'm concerned about are personal perspectives. what individual christians think about this issue, or how they apply this particular lesson in their lives. i'm no longer interested in arguing semantics. i'm no longer interested in arguing. i'm past the point of trying to figure out why this is right or why that is wrong. i could care less about challenging christianity's tenets. except for practice. it's odd, the farther i move away from christianity, the more interested i am in it. does anyone go to church to disbelieve in god? i think it's partly because i'm so disassociated from it that it becomes almost like anthropology. and that's what it is right now. it's not philosophy and/or religion. it's anthropology and sociology. approaching it from this angle is so different than how i did it in the past. demanding answers answers answers. it's like i've given up on the answers and am content just to concentrate on the questions.



still, lots of things irk me during bible study. mostly the bible study part. semi-ironic (unless irony is dead). but i guess you have to take the study of the bible along with the discussion part. bible study is a time for studying the bible after all. it does strike me that it must be difficult and intimidating for non-christians to enter this world. many terms are unfamiliar. many characters are unidentified. someone jumping directly into church or fellowship must be bombarded with all sorts of crazy lingo and ideas. i guess over time, if they stick around, they'll gain some insight into what those words and terms refer to. but i feel like sometimes, christians trying to illustrate their point with passages and stories from the bible, put the two before the one and say things that go right over people's heads. and i think that many people are afraid to ask "who is that?" or "what does that mean?" most of that stems from thinking that words of wisdom are spilling out of the book and the earthly mouth i guess. and that prevents them from asking some basic questions out of uncomfortability, or straight comfortability in ignorance. otherwise known as indifference.



and to those who ask "how is bible study?" bible study is good. really good. i chafe at some things. i smile/snicker to myself alot. i write down things i want to think about later on any available scraps of paper. i zone out some. i mentally note ridiculous totally irrelevant stories. i gather fuel for the fire. but then decide not to light it. i bite my tongue alot. i flick the little metal clasp on my bible back and forth a billion times. i see god sometimes. not the christian god. but god. i hear profound voices. audible and inaudible. i stare off into the distance alot. i like the fact that in a post-collegiate christian group, nobody is really there for the social events. if you've made the effort to come out on a work night, you're here to meet christ. and that is the type of dedication i would expect. i get bored some. i wonder what everyone is thinking. i listen to what people say, and then try to see if they're pulling punches. i wish bible study was less pc. i wish there was more rudeness and swearing. maybe just the former, the latter isn't really necessary. i'm impatient. i want to get to the point quickly. i try to be aware of how other people are taking things in. i wonder if i'll ever stop abstaining from praying. i wonder what my mom talks about in her bible study. i wish people used their own vocabulary when explaining things. and not the same words over and over again. this is however, no fault of their own. i wish the words "trust" and "love" and "faith" was defined as often as it is thrown around. i want to visit a mosque.