there is no "i" in breast, but there is a b-r-a. introducing the "brava." by wearing this battery-powered apparatus for a minimum of ten hours a day over ten consecutive weeks you can gain "one cup size." by utilizing the amazing powers of suction (second in amazing powers only to velcro) instead of the not so amazing power of invasive surgery, the brava promises a better social life through "gentle but constant pull to induce breast tissue growth." the cells respond to this stretching by swelling and replicating, eventually forming new breast tissue. available through nearly five hundred physicians around the country, dr roger khouri estimates that more than 6,000 women are now using the device. could you be 6,001?



tension induced growth tissue has been used for decades to lengthen limbs and is the principle behind surgically implanting tissue expanders used in post-cancer breast reconstruction. worry not because biopsies and MRIs have confirmed that the increase in size is not due to swelling but to actual tissue growth. that means the results are permanent. wow! but, the brava is not for everybody. "you're never going to get double D cups from this," says dr brandon ross. should you require double Ds, the best option is probably to still undergo painful yet life affirming breast enhancement surgery.



the system is available for about $2,200, a third of the cost for surgical breast implants (which works out to a savings of approximately $2,200 per boob, unless you have three or more protrusions, in which case the savings could be even greater). some stores are selling the brava at a special holiday price of four cups for the price of two, so don't delay your purchase. the device is extremely bulky and comes with a modem plug in so that the brava folks can make sure that you are using the device correctly. the brava folks aren't just selling a product here, they care about you and your assets too! should you happen to break the dome's seal while tossing and turning in bed, an annoying alarm will sound. a useful feature for those who fear breaking the brava ten hour cycle. users have described "a noticeable tightness, like wearing a too-tight sports bra." but you get used to it i'm sure, it's only ten weeks anyway, suck it up. it should be noted that this isn't recommended for girls younger than eighteen, but know that women of all ages (from twenty to sixty) have used the brava to great success. after all, "wanting a better, more shapely body knows no age limit." amen.



this could revolutionalize the world, just like jefferson and his light bulb. or whitney and his cotton gin. khouri and tension breast enhancement....the wave of the future? undoubtedly. be sure to consult the closest male figure in your life to see if this is the right product for you. and if you think this is yet another example of the world going to shallow hell, rest assured that in the event of nuclear holocaust, at least your breasts will be bigger. naturally.



khouri is rumored to be exploring options for a male version of this device, fondly nicknamed the "manva." be sure not to purchase the reverse brava (aptly monikered as "rebrava") by mistake, as that device uses the amazing powers of shrinkage to promote breast tissue reduction. needless to say, the brava outsells the rebrava at a ratio of one bajillion to one.