judgement day. for so long i've been trying to work up a formula for "what makes a good friend." and today, i found something in a store that was perfect in style, substance, execution and design. now, we can not only accept, reject and judge our friends, we can give them friendship report cards! this wonderful item (available for the low low price of $3.50) allows you to grade your friends in a variety of categories.

requirements. sensitivity. warmth. availability. reliability. honesty. sense of humor. empathy. discretion/loyalty. self-awareness. unconditionality.

electives. fun factor. gossip sharing. social opportunity. life-choices approval. silliness. fashion guidance. story diversity. memory. sense of adventure. longevity.

of course the grades are A through F and a N is an incomplete or non-applicable. i know there's a simon cowell inside everyone, and now this excellent product allows us to channel the need to judge towards our closest and dearest. of course, some of the things that i might value in a friend would differ from what you might value. so the key to using this product on an everyday basis is to modify it. don't care for one of the categories? switch it out and write in your own. i've taken this idea one step further -- geek and go getter that i am. i've created an excel spreadsheet (and now google doc) that better represents my view of the essentials and electives of friendship.

on my work of excel art, i swapped out silliness, life-choices approval, fashion guidance and sense of adventure. i replaced these electives with quality advice, bring-along-ability, extracurriculars and wavelength unification. i'm also not so high on "warmth" being a requirement but i haven't come up with a better requirement yet. anyway, back to the categories that were cut. i feel like silliness is not really that important (to me) and it's sort of rolled up into fun factor. life-choices approval? who am i to speak on other people's life choices? fashion guidance and sense of adventure are factors in a friendship but hardly important enough to make the list. i know who gives me good fashion advice, no need to grade them on it. a nd again, sense of adventure can be rolled into fun factor.

now, on to the categories i've added. a friend who gives quality advice is very important. what are friends for if not glorified yes men and sounding boards? and the friends who give accurate and useful advice? they deserve a special category. and so, quality advice is in. extracurriculars encompass anything that the friend can bring to the table as far as excess knowledge, interesting hobbies or things we might enjoy doing together. for example, if a friend happens to be into all the same things that i enjoy and has the same taste in music, tv, movies and books, then high score in extracurriculars. if they are able to expose me to the world of classical modern furniture, high scores. if we share common hobbies and sporting events, high scores. if we have no similar interests or intersecting tastes, low score. extracurriculars can make or break a friendship, trust me.

bring-along-ability and wavelength unification are similar but different enough to warrant separating out into two categories. a person's bring-along-ability grade reflects how willing you might be to have this friend out in public with you, intermixing with other human beings. some friends make you wince when you go out with them. maybe they're a tad rude, maybe they have a disheveled appearance, whatever. bring-along-ability essentially measures how comfortable you would be, taking your friend with you to varied functions (dinners with strangers, work functions, weddings, family outtings). someone with an extra high bring-along-ability raises your own profile. "wow, that's your friend? they're cool (you just got so much cooler)!"

wavelength unification is how often or how deeply your friend can be riding the same vibe as you. sometimes if you're super tired, your friend is just jumping all over the place and wants to go out. poor marks for wavelength unificiation. it's important that your friends operate in the same space as you. an overly hyperactive friend can be draining at times. a friend who never seems to want to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, is also a chore. wavelength unification also encompasses the mental side of a friendship too. can your friend accurately assess and reflect your general vibe? do they spot and laugh at the same things you do? "hairy man with unbuttoned shirt, two o'clock." are you on the same page of the same book when you're hanging out? these are all wavelength unificiation issues.

oh, i've come up with a replacement for warmth. i will put "conversationalist" up into the requirements category. forget warmth, i want/demand conversation. is a friend capable of handling their end of a conversation? whether it be a deep conversation, a funny conversation, a throwaway conversation, a tell me how your week went conversation, etc? this might seem to be similar to story telling/diversity (i added "story telling" to flesh out this description) but a good conversationalist isn't necessary a good story teller, they are separate things. i'll take good conversation over good stories every time. this distinction might have to be broken down in a future blog. i might also need to implement some changes to "unconditionality" since i don't value that very much, but i'm too tired to properly think right now.

anyway. the very last addition i've made so far on this friendship report card is to add "6. Achilles Heel" to the comments section. I feel like being able to comment on which of these categories is a friend's Achilles Heel gives you the opportunity to tell them what they should be working on. someone is highly unavailable, unreliable and generally flakey? you might want to put "6" on the comments line so that they know that this is what's holding back a potentially greater and closer friendship. think someone is a great friend but sort of a bore? drop that almighty "6" right next to fun factor, along with the F-minus. the myriad uses for this Achilles Heel comment is mindboggling.

why is achille's heel acceptably sometimes not spelled with a possessive apostrophe? someone explain this to me. wasn't it the heel of achilles? what is going on here? have all my years here in america taught me nothing? how can you make rules for grammar and then screw around just as i'm gaining an elementary grasp on them? fucking grammaticians.

the company that makes these cards is brilliant. they make so many other cool things. there are other report cards, for things like fashion sense and maturity. i would highly recommend picking up these report cards too. along with the friendshp report card, i also got me a pack of slang flashcards. so look out this upcoming week for me to mack drop some mad janky DL cheddar on this here steelo, word yo, keep it hollering.

the fact that the friendship report card came with a "hygiene: satisfactory/unsatisfactory" checkbox just made me think that whoever made this product was doing it with me in mind. this is the best $3.50 i've ever spent.