i decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows

if i fail, if i succeed

at least i'll live as i believe

no matter what they take from me

they can't take away my dignity

because the greatest love of all

is happening to me

i found the greatest love fo all

inside of me

the geratest love of all

is easy to achieve

learning to love yourself

it is the greatest love of all

-whitney houston, greatest love of all-

getting hot in herre. off to taiwan. whoop.

subvert the dominant paradigm. that's what beat writer and publisher lawrence ferlinghetti said. a kid in high school painted these exact same words on a wall opposite my english class. i would look at those words day after day, wondering what the hell that meant. para-digm. i enjoyed the sounds of that word, even though in high school i really could've cared less about what the dominant anything was. but that phrase always stuck with me. subvert the paradigm.



what is the paradigm? for ferlinghetti it's the dominant culture, the mainstream, the middle-of-the-road area where a form of mass hypnosis and unquestioned commercial and political propaganda passes for consciousness. the dominant paradigm is what "marginalizes other ways of being and thinking; it is what oppresses the human spirit, represses our mammalian natures and suppresses our godlike potentials. to subvert or change this dominant paradigm is to take action. to create real changes in the way we do things, the way we believe, make love, worship and spend or not spend money.



i don't even really know what mainstream culture is anymore. nike and mcdonalds are mainstream. but i love them. and i love my "underground hip hop" but the groups i love aren't really underground. to exist in this materialistic limbo of wanting everything brand named and everything have meaning is both liberating and terribly hypocritical. but we cannot always be slaves to our intentions and convictions.



the only thing that i try to do on a consistent basis is to think about the dominant "rights" and "wrongs" of interpersonal relations. i suppose because relationships consume so much of my life, i've had to think about ways of being pretty often. i don't like "shoulds." i don't like it when i have to do something for someone. i'm not really a giver, and when forced to give, i'm pretty resentful and bitchy. but it all stems from a solid base of thinking. i don't want to accept what the dominant means of establishing and maintaining relationships. i think everything should and could be challenged. but i find myself alone alot. on my ideas, ideals and thoughts. or i find myself tricked by people who verbally say they think like me but then act totally different. it's a tad frustrating. no. frustrating isn't the right word. it's a tad.....unfortunate.



friendships, relationships, to me, are not about giving. it's about exchange. you have to get something in return for your giving. this is clearly not my idea but i've adopted it lock, stock and barrel. there is no reason to be part of someone's life if all you do is give, give, give. even if i don't mind giving, it's still a spiritual crime to be in a -ship if you get nothing back. of course, don't we learn things from everybody in our lives? don't we get something out of everybody? but sometimes, when the tables turn and one party is depending too much on the other or when the friendship is not longer symbiotic, let it go.



but back to paradigm. the dominance of it. i'm trying really freakin' hard to break out of my dominant modes of thinking that i've held onto for the past three-four years. it's hard. to have new thoughts. to have new ideas. to hear the truth ring in a different tone. i've had certain ideas with me for so long that they've become "me." and i can't let them go and fairly evaluate them again. how to go from trangsgression to transformation to transcendence when you can't find step one? i'm not ready to settle into my personal dominant paradigm yet, at age twenty four. that's too sad. there should be parts of myself that are still up for sale. that are yet to be discovered. but i think people often go into college, concentrate on finding themselves, and then emerge with this image of them at a quarter century that they can't really shake. i think that's where i'm at a little bit.



i was never lost. but i was definitely found. and now i would like to be lost. just so i can be found again.

naughty and nice. there could be some lumpy shit in my stocking for my lack of good deeds this year. last year at this time, there were many michigan-ites here. and we were playing some crazy board games. and we were running up and down between LA and SD, sleeping in various apartments. this year, we have a video game bunker in my mom's room, set up with two blankets apiece and sopranos, second season to pass out to when the sun eventually rises. christmas eve is about family time from six to ten pm, followed by lots of "what are you doing" phone calls. i'm trying to recall the last time we had just christmas with the family family. can't do it. our christmas' are usually just another typical day with some extra trimmings and more food on the side. but i like it that way. unpretentious holidays are nice.



does anyone have good santa claus jokes? i feel like there must be some good santa jokes.



how does it feel to be someone working on christmas? the biggest holiday of the year, and you're working. i feel for the restaurants, the taco shops, the grocery and video stores that have to stay open (although blockbuster closed early.....lazy bastards). do holidays come too often so that we are totally unappreciative of the true meaning of "holiday?" it should be a break from the drudgery of normal life. there should be mass jollification. i wonder statistically, what day of the year it is that the most americans don't have to work. christmas? new year's? labor day? i'm feeling for the people who have to be slumming during the so called "family time." power to the industrious people.



i read about some dude who has been the "jewish santa" for the neighborhood kids for the last couple of years. what the hell is that? the jewish santa. he said that he does it for the kids because they feel left out when they don't get gifts on christmas. i mean, it's cool, give the poor kids gifts and everything, do whatever you need to do to make the little tykes happy. but do you have to be the "jewish santa?" doesn't that defeat the whole ideology behind your religion? the melting pot, great ain't it?



and seriously, can unproductivity be a lifestyle? i think it can. i'm closing in on using it as an occupation, but that would involve making actual money. and as long as that remains a foreign concept to me, i'll have to designate unproductivity as a lifestyle and not a creedo, purpose or occupation.

pattern. repeat, rewind, reveal, retarded, re-strung, recognizable, rerun, return, recoagulate.

it was a good day. just waking up in the morning gotta thank god. i don't know but today seems kinda odd. the head pounding has subsided. chess and alchohol don't mix. especially when you lose and are forced to drink. how many sausage parties have you been to? i remember once when a certain someone asked what a sausage party was. "is it when guys get together and eat pizza?" ah, the naivette of girls. shocking. don't you ever wonder whether or not they're really that naive? or if they just put on the big eyed show to come off as "cute." the lengths people will go to be accepted and laughed with. it's also kind of interesting to see people take on a different persona, a more exterior falser persona. but i suppose it's still them, just another side of them.



in preparation for taiwan, i've been sitting in front of many TVs, playing tons of videogames and watching lots of sports and DVDs. basically, i've been wasting time. lots of it. "is this what you guys do (all day)?" yes it is. yes it is. trying to avoid responsibilities, both personal and interpersonal, is so easy. just turn a blank mind, an empty eye, and things go away. really. you should try it. is it still repression if you no longer can acknowledge anything anymore?



and if i hit the switch, i can make the ass drop...

i took my love, i took it down

i climbed a mountain and i turned around

and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

‘til the landslide brought it down



oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

can the child within my heart rise above?

can i sail through the changing ocean tides?

can i handle the seasons of my life?

-smashing pumpkins, landslide-

beg, borrow, & deal. the concept is simple, espn puts eight strangers together in new york city. the eight are divided into two teams of four and then let loose on a monthlong, cross-country version of a scavenger hunt. the challenge: be the first group to complete ten (out of forty) sports-related tasks and then get to alcatraz. they have no money, no transportation, no clothes, nothing. except the clothes they started out with on day one. the prize: each winning team member will earn two tickets apiece and all expenses paid trips to four sports championships next year.



how freaking cool is this? it's like jack kerouac on crack. to have three friends and you, trying to get cross country as fast as possible, with nothing but your wits and your charms as assets. this is the type of life defining trip that i would like to have but am probably too chicken shit to do. i mean, no clothes? no money? no showers? no anti-bacterial hand gel? what would i do? but in the spirit of imagination and adventurism (that's like tourism but cheaper), i would like to pretend that i could do it.



the dream team to go with (well, one dream team, any combination of four people would be cool as hell, and dreamy too). amit, because he knows damn near everybody in the states and having contacts can't hurt. plus we could use his talents to get us money. and having DDTs is pretty much a necessity on a big trip like this. lynnchen, because big eyes will get you everywhere and everything (including big ass tarzan movie posters as well as a bajillion free cell phone accessories). and the last spot......hum. i dunno. it would have to be a girl. it would probably have to be a michigan girl actually. as our oft-proved theory goes "michigan girls are cool." and useful. so yes. i'm not sure what the hell i would do on this trip but i want to go along dammit.



the winning team for the inaguaral season of beg, borrow, & deal completed their tasks and made it to alcatraz in twelve days. twelve days! cross country! on the free tip, after completing ten tasks. how amazing is that?

another difference between men and women. you tell me if this is true or not. women are more interested in stories. they want to see the human side of things. they are not satisfied with the event itself, but all the details and circumstances around an event. guys do this too but girls thrive off of this information. when the olympics has to pander to a female dominated audience, it moves toward "relatable" stories and tales of human beings struggling up the mountain towards athletic achievement. girls don't just want to know how your date went, they want to know what every moment was like. this inquisitiveness, is it innate or societally induced? example A in my book is the original curious one. who will read all my sport magazines for the stories yet have no real interest in the sport. "i like the stories" is what she says. and she likes to hear all about the news surrounding people, even people she barely knows or has only heard about.



tell me, is this by nature? that girls need something to relate to? guys are more monosyllabic with their answers and questions. "how'ditgo?" "dope." "cool." girls need a little something extra. tell me why. and saying that women "care more" is not a valid answer.

wild on formosa. yes, it's true, we are now going to taiwan. found out yesterday. for a while there, i was convinced we weren't going, so new year's was all doodah and no plans but miraculously our return tickets came through (back the eighth of jan) and now we are off to see the wizard next thursday. what does this mean? this means i have tons of little errands to take care of that i have terribly procrastinated on because i figured i would have weeks to do them. it also means i'll be missing the first few days of class. no biggie.



what i'm looking forward to after ten plus years away from my homeland. the food. that's it. the food. i'm ready to eat eat and eat some more. the shopping, the clubbing, the singing, the short people, that'll be cool too. but mainly, i'm all about the food. i'm also excited to see all the relatives that i haven't seen in a long time too.



but twelve days is a long time to be away. and honestly, i kind of want to just chill and veg out but rome wasn't built in a day and my life isn't terribly exciting so to not go to taiwan after all this trouble would straddle the border between idiotic and spoiled. so off i go. time to pack, burn CDs, make big lists of things i should do before i go, say happy new year to all, and clean clean clean.

we got some chickens in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving 'till six in the morning. it's nearing six am in the morn. and nobody's getting it on anywhere. victor's passed out on the couch downstairs, amid the bowls, pineapple cans and other remnants of the last few meals. you have those moments when you want to call people or talk to people, but it's damn near six in the morning and who the hell you gonna call? of course i could call someone but really, i have nothing to say. and waking them up just for the sheer sake of it is pretty cruel and unusual. then again, there are lots of times when i feel like talking to someone specific, but then the moment passes. or i actually call and have not much to say. i just want to hear them. so we do the dance of catching up and then we say bye. and i feel better, yet worse. we all know this feeling i'm sure.



i want to make some lists. top ten lists, relating to people. like top ten people to call at six in the morning. top ten people i need to catch up with. top ten people who might call me at six in the morning. top ten emails i should reply to. top ten people i'm missing right now. top ten people who need to be blogging. top ten random people that i would like to know better. that kind of thing.

if you ever go to south beach and need a place to stay that can fit twenty people, here's the spot. we stayed there a couple of years ago and it was one of the best vacations ever. i have a video, so i can show you. but i'm sure you believe me anyway. we need to go back, even if the price has risen by over fifty percent since then. still, i'm sure we all make more money now right? right?

new york women/men have also taught me about the "sometimes-boy(girl)friend." is this where the world is going? if that's the case, i'll take two. or three. or four.

go dirtebyrdeez go! this is craziness. i'm in the semi-finals for my fantasy football league. as the regular season champion (10-3), i'm the favorite to go all the way. this is the best fantasy team i've fielded in the modern era (aka computers and internet as opposed to pen/paper and newspapers). i woke up bright and early just to check on my scores. i was down. but now i'm up. marvin harrison (172 yds, 2 tds). i love you. plaxico burress (120 yds, 1 td). i love you. michael vick (240 yds, 2 tds, still playing in overtime). i love you. corey dillon (59 yds). you're getting traded. koren robinson (122 yds), chad johnson (91 yds). sorry, shoulda played one of you. jerry rice (30 yds). we've lost that love and feeling, i loved you all season long but our time may be at an end.



here's what we need for a big win tonight. priest holmes, the best fantasy player in all of the known world, needs to be shut down. ahman green, my injured yet still exuberant back, needs to have a big game. here we go baby. super bowl. super bowl. super bowl! puh-leaze!!!!



i may be a loser but not in fantasy football dammit!



update: i won! priest got hurt, ahman got a TD and now i'm on my way to the big game! go me.

finished my last test today. actually. my only test. because with my hectic three class schedule, i only had one test. studied all of forty minutes for it. at this point in life, studying is pretty much going online, reading random stuff, hoping interesting and useful tidbits will stick in my head so i can pull it out later. one of the books for the class i hadn't read yet. i didn't know the characters, the plot, the colors of the dresses, nothing. and there was no help online to be found. the bookstore didn't carry the book either. and this is supposed to be a classic? whut?!? anyway. i think i did alright. halfway through the three hour test, while my hand was cramping up and my head was nodding in fatigue, i was trying to calculate what i needed to get on the test to get my passing grade.



since all my grades now are only credits, as long as i pass, i get the credits. is life a tad too easy or what? also, i'm getting to be way too good at writing B papers. whatever i write, whether it be good or bad or whatever, it's a B paper. sometimes a B-minus, sometimes a B-plus, but always something in the B range. i can't even get out of the rut. if i wanted to write a beautiful, logical, well documented and argued paper, i don't think i could anymore. and i don't bother using citations or bibliographies much anymore because any decrease in grade will be so minimal it's not worth the effort. so yes. go me. one more quarter and i'm out of the big academic caboose. then i will be proud to frame my graduation pictures along with my diploma, because i did take graduation pictures in my gown, in anticipation of this day. don't ever say i don't plan ahead.

you have sixty seconds to write about one word. go.



lock. keep me from getting at it. stop giving me the combination. it's too easy. this. once you open it, you can't close it ever again. you want to deal with that? i don't.

so say you do something. something you could possibly "regret" later. but during the decision making process of the act, you know you're going to do it anyway, regardless of outcomes. like when given a choice, you wouldn't have changed a thing anyway. would that still be regret? even when you know the end result, the ramifications, will be more than you really want to deal with, yet you do it anyway, is that just pure stupidity? i like to declare often that i "have no regrets." which is more or less true. but the fallout from certain actions makes me "re-think" things alot. but i know that i wouldn't have changed anything that i've done. does this then still enable me to say that i'm not regretful of anything? or am i just deluding myself and rationalizing things that i ought to feel bad for, but really don't? it's the classic "i know i'm going to hate myself in the morning but fuck it, i'm gonna do it anyway" type of deal. this really applies to everything. it's "knowing better" and not doing it.



it's a funny thing when you can see so clearly what life will be like tomorrow as a result of your actions today. and you realize that you don't want it to be that way tomorrow, but yet you undergo all the actions to bring it to that outcome anyway. it's like personal pre-destination, knowing exactly where you will end up, having the chance to change it, but then not doing it. i am *this* close to being omniscient sometimes. or at the very least i'm sure i'm omni-stupid most of the time.

there is humility and then there is humbleness. sounds the same, but i think in effect, there's a slight difference. technically, the definition of humility is the "condition of being humble." sounds obvious and identical, but it's not. i think alot of people exhibit humility. shying away from compliments, giving due props to the right people, de-emphasizing their strengths and accomplishments. this is easy, because it's far "nicer" if a person has humility, as opposed to being a pompous ass and big headed about everything. people who have humility are everywhere and let's hope that they continue to be everywhere.



however, having humility does not necessarily mean that one is humble. for a humble man is "marked by meekness or modesty in behavior." a humble man also "shows deferential or submissive respect." how many of us are really humble? the answer is, i have no freakin' clue. i know i am not a humble man. quite the opposite, my head is blown out of super proportion and i think i'm the best damn thing since canned corn. it's very difficult for me to be humble. it's easy to exhibit humility, but as i said before, humility can just be an act.



it's hard for me to take the words of others and to listen to them and to change myself because of them. if their words make sense and i respect them, i will think about what they said alot. but at the same time i'm more inclined to think that i am right in any and all circumstances. and some people say that they are humble because they --in a situation when they are totally incompetent-- abdicate control. that is not exactly being humble. if you know you suck at something, you back out for the good of the your pride. that's just reality, not humility or humbleness.



how does this lack of humbleness affect me? i'm not sure. but as i've started to realize this about myself, i know to an extent that i'm proud of it, unwilling to change it, but also in the process of figuring out how it could be an all positive non-humbleness (that sounds totally wrong). thinking that you're cooler than peppermint is only good if you actually are. having a confidence and swagger is bullshit if it hinders you as opposed to enhances you. maybe the first thing to do is to give authority figures a chance. to follow instead of question. it's hard to do. because i'm so used to just tuning out people out. * nod and smile * nod and smile * but maybe it would be better. then again, maybe it wouldn't because wisdom isn't the sole province of the aged. i am not interested in humbling myself before anyone or for anything (that seems so against my basic nature and philosophy), but there is perhaps something to maintaining a healthy dose of humility and humbleness.



and for the record, humbleness isn't better than not being humble. i actually kind of dig the people who know that they're the shit and then talk like it. to a point. there's a real "i'm it" and then a fake "i'm it." if you use your powers to hide your insecurities and to shield your failures, you probably don't have it. just my opinion. but hey, if you know you're good, yell it to all the world. like him.

he who is filled with virtue is like a newborn child.

wasps and serpents will not sting him;

wild beasts will not pounce upon him;

he will not be attacked by birds of prey.

his bones are soft, his muscles weak,

but his grip is firm.

he has not experienced the union of man and woman, but is whole.

his manhood is strong.

he screams all day without becoming hoarse.

this is perfect harmony.



knowing harmony is constancy.

knowing constancy is enlightenment.



it is not wise to rush about.

controlling the breath causes strain.

if too much energy is used, exhaustion follows.

this is not the way of tao.

whatever is contrary to tao will not last long.

-tao te ching, fifty five-

sin city. things you need to know about my weekend in vegas. everybody had a good time. most everybody won. the rodeo was in town. the new z is niiiice. a little kid stumble walked her way over to me and gave my legs a hug. and then ran away, giving no one else hugs. gaga forgot her purse at home, complete with wallet, id, and cell phone. the flamingly gay hotel clerk had a fondness for one of our very own.



angie is the slot machine queen. hong is still the blackjack king. if at first you lose, try try again. unless you're broke. like me. super fun twenty one should be re-named "everybody wins." ryan has got his "stay" "hit" "no drinks, thank you" motions down.while winning at blackjack, stuff chips into your pockets ala pam. betting on the yo didn't win many converts. doubling down did. james dropped twenty on twenty. and won. again.



it takes exactly eight jungle animals to get one large lobster. six ugly bears will net you a large m&m. camel number ten is straight sleeping. it is far easier to roll under eleven, as opposed to thirty or over. the guy working at the stuffed lobster booth really enjoys his job. pam was collecting stuffed animals to donate to kids for christmas. jimmy won a big white tiger with one pitch of his mighty arm. the tiger has been left behind lonely in my trunk. ana's got herself a new man.



james' toes are funny. and useful if you need to hitchhike. susan's right pinkie is crooked. victor and hong can do impersonations of mickey and minnie mouse. angie broke the bathroom lights.



irene alerted us to the prescence of a certain montell jordan at the craps table. angie and hong thought we were scoping out montell williams. the buffet at the bellagio is ridiculously good. the stratosphere tower is 1,149 feet tall and is the tallest building west of the mississippi. drive, don't walk, from bellagio to venetian. there is a golden puffer in the caesar's palace aqaurium. there is no sex in the champagne room.



korean restaurants don't like it when you walk out on them at two in the morning. especially if they were just getting ready to serve you water. mix one part orange juice, seven parts smirnoff for the nastiest screwdriver ever. somewhere between vegas and san diego there is a gas station selling gas for two dollars a gallon. the foodmart featured no running water and a peggy bundy lookalike. jon drove all the way back from vegas. and jon does not drive slow. contrary to popular opinion.



ryan made this last week, before we left. hong made this after ryan made that.

tap that ass. shake your little thang. it's been so long since i've tried my best at something, something worthwhile. not something related to games, petty challenges or inconsequential errata. but tried my best at something real. something like school, or work, or life. i'm not sure if it's fear of failure, or just lack of proper motivation. i'll go with the latter because i'm a believer that one can do anything, within limits. however, i half ass so many things i hardly get anything done. in school for example, i'm not there to learn necessarily, to excel and get the A. a B or even a C would be okay by me, as long as i pass and get my credits. any learning that meanders its way into my brain is a bonus.



when was the last time i really really tried hard to dominate a class and get a super grade? try never. if an A happens, it happens, if it doesn't, i'm okay with something lesser. the way i've figured it is that it takes a seventy percent effort to get a B but a ninety five percent effort to get an elusive A. so pretty much i put forth my seventy percent and take what comes.



my papers are bullshit wrapped in gibberish and i would not be proud of them after the fact. my assignments are to be done, not necessarily done well. what can i get away with? what corners can i cut? that's how i operate. even with this flute thing, i'm hesitant to throw myself into it, to give it my all. because i'm not sure where that would lead me. success probably. but i can't even do it for that worthwhile goal. i'm complacent.



that feeling of trying your very hardest and then succeeding is a rare one for me. even in basketball, i'll loaf if we're winning and only play hard if it's a tight intense game. i see losing as a clear alternative, while some may see it as certain doom. i see the next horizon too easily. live to fight another day i say (in warcraft and in life). does this mean that there is no push? no internal pressure to succeed? probably. this half ass-ness should only be used in the appropriate spots, but i've done it for so long it's become habit.



it's amazing how far half ass-ed-ness has gotten me. to five am sleeping times, to one pm mornings. to having a flimsy and quite possibly fabricated resume. i speak about wanting to "go go go." but it never happens.

"it has come to our attention that a mysterious force is LOOSE..somewhere in outer space."



"the mysteries of creation are there."



"up in the sky?"



"up in the sky."



"the moon and the planets are there.

and new hopes for knowledge and peace are there.

and therefore as we set sail; we ask God's blessing --

on the most hazardous, and dangerous, and greatest adventure

of which man has ever embarked." (jfk)



"prepared for liftoff."

-gangstarr, above the clouds-

if you want to get serious about blogging, and who doesn't really, try this. wbloggar. it comes highly recommended. it could be a little too much for me but i've only been using it for five seconds. this could make the whole world a brighter place, who knows, give it a try.

i'm done with my paper and my poetry and all my school work for the year (discounting one minor final in eleven days). that ain't funny so don't you dare laugh! i'm so done for the week. if only i can wake up in time to turn in all my completed work. hum. good question. whatever, vegas in two. bet on the yo!

novocaine. nectar of the gods. the dentist is truly a terrible place to be. but i've come to terms with it. when you've had as many cavities as i have, the shots, the scraping, the drilling, it all becomes oh so routine. seriously, i've had so much enamel taken out of my mouth i could build a world class miniature of the taj mahal. but my teeth are worth more now, unless the fillings they use are totally useless and cheap, like lead. some of the dentist stuff is kind of fun. the little suction thing that sucks up all your spit, the molds they take of your teeth. all that "bite, open, close" stuff makes it seem like you're an obedient guard dog. taking x-rays is kind of cool too, because you get to wear that heavy lead apron to protect you from the evil sterility that is x-rays.



dentists are pretty freakin' amazing too. they are micro-engineers, building canals, crowns, bridges, all sorts of stuff into your mouth. how people in the old days got along without dentists is beyond me. it must have been really distressing for the native americans who started losing their teeth to rot when europeans introduced sugar into their diet. i can't imagine working and staring into somebody's mouth all day long. nasty. and what if you're tired and weary? one slip and blood could come gushing out of anywhere. i guess that's what the novocaine is for, to mask the mistakes and to numb the pain. if you could novocaine away all of life's hurts, wouldn't that be just dandy? but novocaine is a drug (not to mention a steve martin movie) and drugs are bad so i guess we're left with the only other alternative. jamba juice.



i have a gap from my gums to my temporary crown. it's awfully weird. i can't stop touching it with my tongue. i'm afraid to chew or brush on that side. i'm wondering if it'll be painful after the numbness wears off. i should ask the expert on crowns. it's incredible to see how bloody the sponges and implements are after they finish with you. it hardly hurts while they're doing it and oftentimes, i find myself staring at my teeth through the reflection of the dentist's glasses. i'm like, "oh dang, he's really going to work in there!" but i never really associate it with my mouth and my blood until after we're done and i'm rinsing and spitting out all sorts of weird crap.



we used to get lollipops and candy after a trip to the children's dentist. isn't that kind of wrong?



the mother of my children will need to have strong healthy teeth. i have weak teeth. i'm clean believe me. i brush and floss religiously. but my teeth just get cavities. some people never even have to visit the dentist. some people don't even have to have braces (yes, curse them). this is what results from humans overcoming natural selection, the strong and the weak survive and some are left with weak enamel genes. like me. luckily i'm compensated by receiving the correct number of appendages and sensory objects. i suppose i should be thankful. i also don't get sick much. that's nice. but if someone were to cull the human population based on potential, for the sake of good gene pools, i could be out. my children need a fighting chance however, so the woman i procreate with would hypothetically need to have great teeth genes, if only for the sake of our future generations. good teeth usually implies a nice smile too, which is attractive. bonus.



louis used to say that he needed someone with nice teeth, i'm starting to think that it wasn't just an aesthetic prerequisite (because we know louis isn't about looks right?) but now i'm beginning to think that maybe he knew something and just wanted good teeth for his sure to be hard eating, hard chomping children. this is why louis would be a good dad. because he would give his children all the important tools necessary for their physical survival, like good height, good teeth and a voracious appetite. he would try to pass on his tetris skills too but since he doesn't have any, it would prove hard to pass on. hi louis.

there is no "i" in breast, but there is a b-r-a. introducing the "brava." by wearing this battery-powered apparatus for a minimum of ten hours a day over ten consecutive weeks you can gain "one cup size." by utilizing the amazing powers of suction (second in amazing powers only to velcro) instead of the not so amazing power of invasive surgery, the brava promises a better social life through "gentle but constant pull to induce breast tissue growth." the cells respond to this stretching by swelling and replicating, eventually forming new breast tissue. available through nearly five hundred physicians around the country, dr roger khouri estimates that more than 6,000 women are now using the device. could you be 6,001?



tension induced growth tissue has been used for decades to lengthen limbs and is the principle behind surgically implanting tissue expanders used in post-cancer breast reconstruction. worry not because biopsies and MRIs have confirmed that the increase in size is not due to swelling but to actual tissue growth. that means the results are permanent. wow! but, the brava is not for everybody. "you're never going to get double D cups from this," says dr brandon ross. should you require double Ds, the best option is probably to still undergo painful yet life affirming breast enhancement surgery.



the system is available for about $2,200, a third of the cost for surgical breast implants (which works out to a savings of approximately $2,200 per boob, unless you have three or more protrusions, in which case the savings could be even greater). some stores are selling the brava at a special holiday price of four cups for the price of two, so don't delay your purchase. the device is extremely bulky and comes with a modem plug in so that the brava folks can make sure that you are using the device correctly. the brava folks aren't just selling a product here, they care about you and your assets too! should you happen to break the dome's seal while tossing and turning in bed, an annoying alarm will sound. a useful feature for those who fear breaking the brava ten hour cycle. users have described "a noticeable tightness, like wearing a too-tight sports bra." but you get used to it i'm sure, it's only ten weeks anyway, suck it up. it should be noted that this isn't recommended for girls younger than eighteen, but know that women of all ages (from twenty to sixty) have used the brava to great success. after all, "wanting a better, more shapely body knows no age limit." amen.



this could revolutionalize the world, just like jefferson and his light bulb. or whitney and his cotton gin. khouri and tension breast enhancement....the wave of the future? undoubtedly. be sure to consult the closest male figure in your life to see if this is the right product for you. and if you think this is yet another example of the world going to shallow hell, rest assured that in the event of nuclear holocaust, at least your breasts will be bigger. naturally.



khouri is rumored to be exploring options for a male version of this device, fondly nicknamed the "manva." be sure not to purchase the reverse brava (aptly monikered as "rebrava") by mistake, as that device uses the amazing powers of shrinkage to promote breast tissue reduction. needless to say, the brava outsells the rebrava at a ratio of one bajillion to one.

hey look, i'm number five in a google search for "love and war." what does it all mean?

i've become amused

i've become blind

i've become what i know not breathes

you seem illiterate to all my emotions

i stand corrected, how well you read

you speak the truth, you speak the me

you fell the love i have yet to find

i know it's there, i know it's there

but i let the sandcastles kill my mind

-pm dawn, looking through patient eyes-

to be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

-e.e.cummings-

peas in a pod. also on the subject of twins. it was a few bits ago, when victor proposed the theory that twins automatically acquire some sort of social advantage. because in any social situation, being a twin is a decently unique thing that you get remembered for. in fact, we are often introduced like this, "this is jon/george, he/she has a twin sister/brother." it's like our claim to fame. it will probably go on our tombstones. "jonathan yang. millionaire, owner of comic shops, twin brother." "georgette yang. famous accountant, married thrice, cuter than her twin brother jon."



i never really thought of being a twin as all that unique but that may be due to going through seven years of middle/high school with five sets of guy/girl twins in our eighty person class. one eighth of my class was a twin. talk about crazy. so yes. after some discussion with george (i refuse to link her three times in two days), we've decided that it's true. twins do have a social advantage. because even if you are the most unsocial being in the universe, you still tend to stick out in people's minds as one half of a dynamic duo, regardless of how undynamic you really are.



sure, it sucks when you have a sister named "georgette" and you're stuck with the pedestrian "jon." but you win some, you lose some. whenever i bring up the fact that i have a twin sister, people inevitably wonder what she's like and if we get along, all that important stuff. that's a useful trump card to use in the middle of uncomfortable silences and weird getting to know you moments. sure there could be more interesting things to talk about but bringing up the twin thing is a surefire winner. it's like being yoked together for life, the simple fact that you have someone in this world born right when you were born. is that special? certainly. does it mean twins as people are special? not necessarily. but is it socially advantageous? quite possibly. so when we can genetically engineer children in a few years, i'm an advocate for everyone scientifically producing twins. there are few downsides and a minimal amount of risk. if one sucks and happens to drool alot at least you got another one to hug. plus, moms love it because getting two kids for one period of labor is always a bonus. and proud daddies get to show off how strong and virile they are in pictures.



telling it to you as it is, from the twin perspective. i'm out.

i'm sitting, procrastinating away, enjoying my single serving of dole pineapple chunks (packaged in its "own juice" no less), possibly the best canned food item in the whole entire world. actually, i'm eating four point five servings but let's not quibble. by the time i'm done i get a little bit sweaty and tingly and i'm citrus-ed up. and then i drink the left over juice and i'm full as all hell. i eat alot of canned fruit, i wonder if that's a bad. pineapples, pears, peaches, mandarin oranges....whoever invented the peel back top is a genius. i hope he's rich.



you meet people in life who have gone through a similar life to yours yet they emerge with totallly different perspectives on how life works. you make your theories on which way the ball bounces and then you talk to someone and they relate stories that say totally the opposite. and you wonder what events or people in your life made your ball bounce your way. girls and guys can't be friends? they can't? i didn't know that. stuff like that. fundamental beliefs that you hold dear are refuted by people because in their time on this planet, they've encountered different things than you at every step. it would be interesting to have an identical twin (and no, me and george are not identical, thanks for asking) because you share the same genes so all the things different from each other would have to be environmental, wouldn't they?



flip it and reverse it.



then there are those people who have totally different backgrounds and experiences who think just like you. what's up with that? how did that happen? i think the person that is most like me is maybe, sixty five percent like me. maybe less. i'm hoping to find someone who is just like me. right down to a tee. like ninety percent. that would be kind of freaky. although finding that person might invalidate my uniqueness and that would be terrible. but it's okay, it's a small sacrifice in the name of social science.

do not mess with this man. seriously.

oooh baby i love your way. this has been the weekend from eternity. every night i feel like it's a sunday, but then i'm refreshed that there is another day of nothing. how long can this go on really? forever hopefully. george came in for a few days, with two of her san jose friends. george is much funner around her "other" friends. much funner. i'm not sure if that means i've been getting the "b game" george all my life or if she's just gotten that much more fun. but yes, at karaoke, she was a riot. as was victor. but that's par for the course.



thanksgiving was spent with turkey and all the trimmings. at jack and monica's house, which is huge and filled with incredibly cool collections of things. porcelain animals, crystal things, gem filled rock structures, a stuffed sea turtle, a giant deer head, and on and on. i promptly passed out right after dinner for a good two hours, as i'm sure many of the rest of you did. the newly darkened lynnchen was back from thailand. all blacked up and peeling. her parents took a whole group of us out to dinner, which was extremely generous and nice of them, but slightly awkward for us.



eating with parental units is an interesting experience always. eating with parentals that you don't really know? beyond interesting. lots of gaps in conversation. lots of "hummms." lots of people serving other people and being nice, which would not necessarily usually happen. it's so fun to see everyone attempting to be on their best parental behavior. i felt so young. looking around the table i wondered at what point would we cease to be young adults/kids and become true adults. the holiday season and the subsequent family gatherings always serve to put you in that "i'm still a kid" zone. like the "kids table." you know what i'm talking about.



i feel like the generation ahead of me, the almost thirty somethings, know how to work chinese parents better. some of the older people that i've grown up with, they know how to banter with the adults, talk to them, laugh with them, poke fun at them. everything. i wish i had that skill. to not just answer parental questions but to be the "chinese host" type of thing. it's a very respectable yet very funny thing. i suppose my chinese would have to get better. maybe it's also a cultural gap. either way, this is devolving into a "what we did this weekend" thing. and so i'm stopping. although there was much hanging out at hong's house. which is again, pretty not unusual.