first place: magic the gathering tournament. tenth grade. yeah i kicked ass with my red/white/blue, mana flare, earthquake, braingeyser deck.. yeah i beat up on little kids. yeah i won the title from a twelve year old kid. what of it?



tied for first place: sixth grade. limbo contest. against a four foot six kid. totally unfair physical advantage. sure, i was only four foot nine. but hey, he was still shorter.



second place: fifth grade. was the next closest guess for the immortal ¡°how many jelly beans are in the jar¡± competition.



third place: chinese school speech competition. placed in the medal round with my version of the ¡°i had a dream¡± speech. mine was entitled, ¡°why i like basketball.¡± but i get difficulty points for using mandarin. the doctor had nothing on me. name dropped larry bird and kareem. if i had mentioned magic too, i¡¯m sure i would¡¯ve gotten first.



fourth place: fourth grade. mrs anderson¡¯s class spelling bee. i was still outgrowing my fob-hood. beat out eighteen other native english speakers. i really should¡¯ve gotten a medal for this one don¡¯t you think? i probably misspelled something with an ¡°r¡± in it.



fifth place: flute competition. ninth grade. two hours drive up to la. two hours back. placed fifth out of eight competitors. highlight of my musical career.



most improved: jv tennis team. ninth grade. this is the award they give you when you go from super suck to just suck.



co-captain: jv basketball team. tenth grade. most humiliating moment of the season: shaking hands, during the captains pre-game introductions, with my friend from chinese school, who was the star player for our archrivals. then not leaving the bench. for the rest of the game. tried to fake a limp during the post-game hand shakes after our blow out loss. most explosive game: scored twelve points more than my season average in garbage time at horizon christian. season average up to that point, zero points. team record: 2-10. season average at the end of the season? 1.2 points.



acting performances: fourth grade. lead role as woodstock. snoopy¡¯s non-talking, lip-synching, chirping sidekick. also pulled double duty as donkey boy and street sweeper in next year¡¯s production of pinocchio. next big role: junior year. college. played the guy who stole heather during the skit portion of hong¡¯s failed bid for mr apa 1998. i¡¯ve tried to steal girls from hong in real life. never works. bastard.



highest videogame accomplishment: beat the original super mario brothers on NES. with george, who played all the levels except for the last one. because only i knew the secret pattern of the pipes. we did it in one life. never dying. always squishing. bet you can¡¯t do it.



that¡¯s the list of my accomplishments. in twenty three years of life. ninth grade was kinda big as you can tell. i¡¯m convinced huge things are in the stars for me based on past achievements. cower in fear teenagers and elementary school children of america, i¡¯m coming to kick your ass. and i¡¯m gonna take all of your girls too. whoops.