ten things you will like about me. when walking around, people should really carry a list of the most interesting talking points about themselves. like a paper-based profile page, a physical, friendster to go if you will. you meet someone, you exchange lists, politely turn away from each other to read them, then engage in conversation. "oh i see here that you mountain climb, tell me about that. oh! we both like little bo peep? that's so cool!" this would really cut out the idle chatter and skip the whole fishing around for interesting things to connect on part of the conversation. and if nothing really interests you about them, you can give the profile page back and say "thanks, it was really nice meeting you, best of luck with your animal mutilation hobby, please, don't call me to hang out."



and notice how sometimes, in sometimes conversations, you have to giftwrap something to talk about? something that you know the other person just has to ask you about? you are essentially providing them with an irresistible hook from which to set up a conversation bite. "and last week, me and my twin sister went to a wedding." i know that by slipping in the fact that i have a twin sister, the other person will probably ask about her and i'm inviting them to do it. and i'm oh so ready to present the asker with my stock answers to questions like "how far apart were you born? who's older? are you close? are you guys identical? are you telepathic? was it fun to have a twin? do you look alike? is she single and available?" i've answered these questions many times in my life, i'm ready to go there, it's effortless. by using this method properly, in a see saw manner, you enable an exchange of information -- as well as experience the joy that must come from "getting to know" someone. it's also a good way to kill a few minutes and useful in delaying the delivery of the essential "i'll be right back, i have to use the bathroom" line.



sometimes, when i'm feeling particularly feisty and very evil knievel, i purposely avoid the hook just to see if they'll try to re-hook me. "and last year i rappelled mt everest!" "um, that's nice, hand me the salt please? how do you like your french fries?" by totally sidestepping the obvious hook, i am able to amuse myself by seeing if they will somehow bring it back up again. "so, this stairmaster exercise is really similar to my experiences RAPPELLING DOWN MT EVEREST." okay already, i'll ask about everest, shit. some people try too hard.



most times you talk to people, you are pretty much trying to present your more interesting side anyway, trying to subtly (or not so subtly) work in facts about yourself. why not just cut to the chase and present a type written, well organized list? streamline the process. this would be a major breakthrough in modern day communication don't you think? you can also put down -- in small print and under a red fonted heading of "caution" -- a list of things that you do not want to talk about or items that stand a high chance of offending you. "i am not comfortable discussing bodily functions, only talk about these things if you have a good joke. thank you." or "i am easily offended by comments that disparage the mentally challenged, i have an uncle who is retarded so please watch what you say." we cannot wait around for love to make the world a better place. we must pin our hopes on, and utilize, advance scouting and a comprehensive system of information exchange.



hell, we might as well go all out and add testimonials too. it would be really affirming (not to mention intriguing) to know that the person i'm talking to is "the hottest little biznitch in san diego", or that i am currently engaged in talks with "the absolute essence of masculine diva-dom". it would be good for down times too since you could just look at your little laminated card whenever you are sad and be reminded that you are loved by all. even if your friends only said nice things in an effort to troll for reciprocally nice comments.



is this not the greatest idea since lusting after unrequited loves? i'll make my card if you guys make yours and we can start to better the world right now. vive le revolution.