this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper. so it's time to let anachronic go. it's served its purpose and i've decided that since i'm on the precipice of major life change (kidding, sort of), my blog should also change in scope and spirit. i'm also just ready for something new after four years and almost 1,000 posts.

i'm kind of out of thoughts, i'm kind of out of ideas, i'm kind of out of things in general. i also feel like i should be concentrating on writing things that might have a tangible end product.

of course i can never stop blogging but i thought that since i want to turn my attentions to documenting the more mundane aspects of my life and indulging myself in myself, i'd stop anachronic and begin anew elsewhere.

so yes, goodbye, anachronic. hello, diorama.

Update: You know I can't quit. www.jonyang.org or www.hyperwest.net.

"i think of a man, and i take away reason and accountability." i was recently made aware of a phenomenon known in professional relationship circles as "emotional cheating." this is one of those terms that really requires no extra verbiage to describe. everyone who's anyone knows what emotional cheating is. maybe we're not sure exactly where the line is drawn but here to help us out is 32 (of 180) emotional signs that he's cheating. number three is hilarious.

"your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right. if this happens, pay attention to your instincts. ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. you know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change."

read some of the other "signs" of cheating from the site. i didn't realize that a relationship was the equivalent of inviting big brother into your life. oh wait, i did realize that. but c'mon now, we're supposed to go on our gut feelings about when our mates are cheating on us? aren't we past this by now? didn't that seminal tv program "cheaters" show us that it's best to have irrefutable visual proof (and an enthusiastic late night audience) before confrontation and accusation? if couples were to follow up on every hunch they had about their partner cheating on them we'd become a nation of paranoid freaks. oh wait.

studies have shown that 75% of women said that emotional cheating would leave them feeling more betrayed than sexual cheating. their point is pretty much that emotional cheating will inevitably (75%+) lead to actual cheating. nothing sends a woman into histrionics faster than the potential threat and promise of cheating. that's what this study tells me.

as a veteran of the emotional cheating circuit, i'm here to say to those who take the moral emotional high ground, in defense of all emotional cheaters out there: "emotional cheating happens; deal with it." it's impossible to go through a relationship without having some other object/person/thing be the source of your daily joy. maybe it's the emails you exchange with a co-worker, maybe it's your thursday night dinner with the guys, maybe it's march madness, maybe it's your record collection. all of these can be sources of emotional cheating can't they?

if emotional cheating is loosely defined as directing attention and attachment toward something, then anything could potentially be a source of emotional cheating. i'm here to say that our relationship experts are taking things too far. sure, we should be wary of who our partners are talking to and hanging out with but at the end of the day, it's still about trust right? coming up with new categories and finger pointing definitions of cheating just doesn't seem right in these troubled times. cut people some slack. give them a chance to live a little before you break out these newfangled ideas about physical/emotional/spiritual cheating. bottom line, if you doubt them, you probably shouldn't be with them anyway.

as one woman told me, "in my mind, an emotional affair is far more threatening than a sexual one, because to me the emotional part is really the foundation of everything you have. for me, the whole idea of marrying someone would signify that we were best friends, confidants, and the first person we each turned to when something great happens or when things aren't so great. the idea of him turning to someone else would break my heart."

i used to make it a rule of thumb to tell prospective girlfriends that i had no intention of wanting, or making, them my new best friend. i already had best friends, who were my girlfriends to lay claim to a title and throne that they may soon choose to abdicate anyway (my relationships average about 1.5 happy months each)? i also made it clear that my emotional well being was in no way invested in them until further notice. i already had particular vessels for my emotions and i wasn't going to forgo those just because it "would be (emotional) cheating if you keep them around." rome wasn't built in a day and neither is a relationship. get in line, take a number, wait your turn.

you can imagine how well these sorts of in-relationship diatribes were received. for those budding don juans out there, telling your girlfriend that they are in no way going to be responsible for your happiness is probably not a good way to start things off. take it from me, relationship king.

look ma, no hands! well, apparently the cat's out of the bag. the cover's blown, literally. as many of you know, i've been writing a book and now it's ready to be distributed this upcoming fall. what is the book about you ask? well, it's about blogging. tada. the ranks of bloggers turned authors is about to swell by one. as you can see, the cover is now ready for your viewing pleasure, and the book is listed on amazon. with my name on the cover to boot. yes sir, i'm legit.

how did i come by this amazing gig you ask? well, the short story is that my friend lilly is a book agent. due to her persistence, ingenuity, and magician's nature, she somehow acquired a book deal for me from a major publishing house. so last september, i quit my video gaming job, started writing the book, and six months later, i'm about to have a book published. the original plan was to have a 35,000 word book ready by november 2005. instead, the project got expanded so i had until january 2006 to write 50,000+ words. i turned in the manuscript recently and after some edits, i believe my end of the process is over. all i have to do now is wait for the book to be finalized and printed.

i'm still in some disbelief that i will have a book published, so i'm withholding my excitement until i actually have copies in my hand. however, needless to say, i'm very anxious and bursting with fruit flavor. it's been quite an interesting process and i've certainly learned quite a bit about both the publishing and writing worlds. i've kind of kept the book on the low because it feels like a wonderful dream that i don't quite want to test the limits of. you know what i'm saying?

however, many people contacted me today after seeing the book listing on amazon (many thanks for spreading the news amit) so i'd thought that at this juncture, it would be safe to announce my upcoming book to the world. so here it is: i have a book coming out. make room on your bookshelf. start saving money. spread the word. i blog, you blog, we all blog.

a quick f.a.q. about the book:
when is it coming out?
i believe it will be distributed in europe first. my publisher is based out of england so the book will be released there in july. the united states (and presumably other countries) will start receiving copies in august, maybe september.

will it be on bookshelves around my area?
from what i understand, yes. thankfully, my publisher has lots of renown and will be stocking the book in places like borders and barnes & noble. if not, i'm sure the book will be available in second-hand bookstores shortly after its release. just kidding. i hope.

i will probably not be doing any readings in your local bookstore. i'm pretty sure books like these don't get public readings. however, i will come to your house to stage dramatic reenactments from the book for you, free of charge. i am also available for birthday parties, weddings, the occassional bar mitzvah, and lonely saturday nights.

who is your publisher?
the publisher is rough guides, who are popular for their travel books but are expanding into culture and other areas. i've read many of their books and they are all written amazingly well and highly recommended. plus all of their books come in really neat sizes that are easy to walk around with. rough guides is a part of the penguin publishing group.

did you get paid? will you get paid?
the short answer is yes. despite being a (lucky son of a gun) first time author, i got a princely sum to do something i likely would have done for free. the money i received was an advance on royalties. which means that i get a percentage of each book sold. if i sell millions of copies, we are all going on vacation together. clear your calendars.

i am not sure what the "best" way to get this book would be. i'll have to find out exactly how all this works; if pre-ordering on amazon is better, or getting it some other way is better. if you care about this kind of thing, i'll find out later and get you the info.

is that you on the cover?
the final cover image was not my first choice. pink and eskimos aren't exactly my cup of tea. however, the eskimo sure did beat the pants off of some of the other choices. suffice to say, men in speedos, bullhorns, and penguins were offered as other suggestions. as much as i would have liked to pick my own cover, there were marketing issues at hand. and really, who can't resist an eye-catching book with pink and an eskimo on the cover? plus, it's a book with my name on it. who cares what it looks like?

the only thing i can complain about now is that everyone will think that it is i on the cover, since the eskimo is asian and i am asian. we do not all look alike. oh well. there are probably worse fates.

what are you going to do now?
i am currently unemployed (or self-employed if you ask the irs) and working on finagling my way into becoming a freelance writer or some other writerly occupation. maybe another book is in the works? who knows. soon i will be doing the rounds in support of the book, with the first stage of that being my new companion blog to the upcoming book (the book blog is still in beta).

is there a fan club that i can join?
the actual position of fan club president, and more importantly, treasurer, is still up for grabs. send a sase to me for an autographed 8x10. or you know, look for me on an upcoming cover of tiger beat or big bopper.

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
the right stuff

thank you to everyone who contacted me today and thanks to everyone for their support. and of course, thanks to lilly -- my agent, my life. more book related things to come in the near future.

a whole new world. i was reading about this guy who moved to the middle east and really loved it there. he found a great job, a great home, and a great girlfriend. he remarked on how refreshing it was that the men were expected to just hang out with the men and the women with the women. there were never any issues about if it was okay to "hang out with the boys." if anything, most social activities were traditionally segregated.

women were also likely to be very happy with their marriage as long as they were supported and taken care of. marriage wasn't seen as a match between two soul mates, but rather a marriage between two people who could help each other. the man provides a house, the woman provides a home. simple. this idea of waiting around for a soul mate can be very taxing (as many of you know) and ultimately, depressing. this young american man rather liked his new life. and i haven't even mentioned the issue of concubines.

the man also had this statement to make, "guys in the states treat their women with no dignity. it's so casual it's demeaning." kind of an interesting statement no? while many american women would surely balk at the traditional (oppressive) way that a woman might be treated in other cultures, this statement illuminated for me an issue that has been brought to my attention recently.

girls nowadays are very often left to fend for themselves. how many young men of our generation are there to open doors, doff coats/hats, rise out of chairs, walk home, and generally treat a woman with even common respect? from what i've heard, there are just as many young men not doing these simple cordial tasks as there are true gentlemen who do them automatically. it used to be standard for men to treat women with a sense of respect. however, as women have fought (and still fight) to be seen as equals, they (unwittingly?) lose their entitlement to the chivalry once afforded them. this is just a theory of course, to be explored further. but i think it rings true.

have women gained equality only to sacrifice the decorum that was once gifted upon them? and if women were to be given this choice consciously, which would they choose? to be treated gently and civilly by men everywhere; or to be treated absolutely equally, with no appeal made for gender, at the cost of a few lonely walks home and a door or two staying unopened?

of course, for any self respecting woman who craves independence and respect on her own terms, the obvious answer here is "equality." but when a girl gets dropped off at home, wouldn't it be nice if, for once, the car full of guys waits until she gets in the front door and signals her safe return before leaving?

such great heights. it's well documented. i hate roller coasters. sure, i've been on many of them. i've been to magic mountain twice, both times against my will. i've ridden most of the rides there and i hate them all. about the only thing i can handle is disneyland. and even there, some of the rides make me hesitate a little bit. see, i hate steep drops. so even splash mountain, as mundane of a ride as there is in this day and age, can give me the heebie-jeebies. when we were little, i would sit around on the bench with a consenting adult while george went on the ride. yeah, i was that kid. however, since then, i've conquered my fear(s) of disneyland. i can say with great confidence that any disneyland ride is okay with me. bring on the matterhorn, bring on pirates, bring on the teacups and bring on the singing menagerie at splash mountain, i can handle it all. plus i love space mountain, because i can handle rides where i can't see the track. it's weird, i know.

anyway, even though i've been on my fair share of roller coasters, i'm still not convinced they're fun. i go and try to get it over with but at no point am i like "wow, this is great, let's do it again!" i've developed a few defensive moves to counter my fear of rides. i suck air into my stomach to prevent the drop feeling from being worse. i grip the side of the car and refuse to put my arms above my head. i don't scream because i'm pushing air into my stomach. yeah, it's not very manly but hey, why pretend to be something you're not?

anything that corkscrews, swirls, leaves you hanging upside down, or offers immense drops i'm against. the worst ride ever? those superman rides where you slowly take an elevator up, building the anticipation, and then drop ten stories to the ground. i've been on that kind of ride once -- which was one time too many for my tastes. i almost pee-ed in my pants. heck, i probably did but i'm not going to admit to it publicly. those rides are the worst. how is this stuff fun?

i try to rationalize away any fear of roller coasters but in the end, why bother? i don't like them. they don't like me. they can be as safe as all get out but i'm not fond of heights, speed, or drops so why would i like roller coasters? why must i be ostracized by the adult community because of my dislike? it's not like i haven't done it before, or that i'm a big party pooper about it. i go on the damn ride when everyone else goes. see? i'm not a big baby alright? sheesh.

"every time i've fallen for someone i can't tell them because i feel like that secret is what stands between me and feeling completely empty. now i like someone again, but guess what? i can't say anything because it just feels futile."
-anonymous-

fmk. there's these really popular online sites that allow anonymous posters to confess their deepest and darkest. while some of them can be amusing, the confessions get real boring after awhile. what do most of the confessions have to do with? someone they like, someone they want to fuck, someone they want killed. that's it. after reading twenty or so of these "confessions" you start to think that people should really have better things hidden inside.

i would really enjoy it if the purpose of these sites was to somehow ironically point out exactly how un-secret or shocking these types of emotions are. but i doubt that's what most people get out of the exercise. now, i'm a big fan of people confessing things, and am all for daily confessionals (journals) or having weekly sessions of therapy to talk things out, but if the thing that sticks in your crawl is some version of "fuck, marry, kill," doesn't that seem extremely boring?

then again, i'm no different. i mean, skeletons in the closet rarely take the form of anything other than love or hate. i'm not exactly sure why this is. maybe because we're trained to keep our more volatile emotions inside? i've often thought of how exciting it would be if everyone revealed all of their thoughts and desires to their closest friends (and by closest friends i mean, of course, me). man, what a gossip column that would make. heck, i've reasoned that i should lead the charge toward total disclosure. however, after additional reasoning, you kind of realize that it's not worth it. because quite frankly, showing 100% of yourself to the world leaves you with 0% for yourself. and that just doesn't add up.

this desire to say things to people, even if it's anonymous, is just so weird. does keeping a secret inside just tear you up? are we somehow just all evolutionarily predisposed to be loudmouths if we can get away with it? is the telling connected with a desire for being discovered?

once, a friend of mine wrote me a very personal email that she ended up emailing directly to the worst person she could have sent it to. freudian slip? or just a simple address error (we didn't have any letters in our name in common mind you)? how do these things happen?

ps - what's even crazier is that a few of these sites have had their contents transcribed into popular books. why are people buying books of this stuff? it's available for free online. then again, why did i just write a book about blogging? blogging is designed to be easy and accessible for all, yet there exist (much to my chagrin) dozens of books on how to blog. but why shoot a gift horse in the mouth right?

"there are certain codes that guys live by. i've mentioned many of them in this space over the years -- stuff like "if you're sharing a bed with someone in vegas, make sure you remain at least two feet apart at all times," and "if your buddy's team loses an especially tough game, you can't call him to make fun of him under any circumstances." but there are three codes that supercede all others. here they are:

(1) you can't be attracted to your buddy's sister.
(2) you can't be attracted to your buddy's girlfriend.
(3) you can't be attracted to your buddy's ex-girlfriend if he had genuine feelings for her."

the first season of "friends" was the closest anyone ever came to capturing generation x on tv. the characters discussed misunderstandings from "three's company," made jokes about "joanie loves chachi," even hummed the theme from "the odd couple." they were constantly fending off nitpicking parents and nosy neighbors. they busted each other's chops, made constant wisecracks, ripped each other's latest boyfriends and girlfriends. some of them had a little money, others were pretty much broke, and there was always tension between the haves and the have-nots. and they were always happiest just sitting around and doing nothing.

the first sign of trouble happened at the start of season two, when rachel realized that ross was in love with her, planned on reciprocating...and he came back from china with an astonishingly average-looking new girlfriend.
-bill simmons, talking about "friends"-

(writing about people who wait for epiphanies to direct them towards their next occupational goal)

"most people feel guilty about wanting what they want, and they feel foolish for wanting something impossible, and those censoring voices will bark like a pack of junkyard dogs, night after night. don't doubt your desire because it comes to you as a whisper; don't think, "if it were really important to me, i'd feel clearer about this, less conflicted." my research didn't show that be true. the things we really want to do are usually the ones that scare us the most. the things you'll not feel conflicted about are the choices that leave no one hurt."
-po bronson, what should i do with my life?-

cognitive dissonance. the recent discovery of a fossil fish that is the missing link in the evolutionary chain (something that christians love to point out) and the newly discovered "gospels of judas" revealing that jesus and judas were best homies and co-conspirators, will certainly make bible studies very interesting -- for those of you whom you know, attend bible study.

could either, or both, of these revelations prove to be a major blow for christians (and catholics, etc) across the world? probably not. i've come to terms with that idea that that most important f-word having to do with religion is not "facts" but "faith." regardless of new findings, (ir)refutable evidence, and best selling books, those who believe will steadfastly believe, and those who do not, will not. short of god himself coming down from the heavens and declaring his will and intent to us in a way we can understand, nobody on either side will be swayed by a few bones or old scraps of paper.

actually, god himself did come down to earth about two thousand years ago to speak to us but most people at the time didn't believe him. he was supported by a very small minority of followers and eventually ended up being tortured and hung on a cross. maybe you know of him.

as excited as i am to see these religious "breakthroughs" dominating the headlines, it's more food for thought than actual thought for change. i mean, is anyone really going to undo their entire spiritual make-up just because of a few scientific discoveries? highly doubtful.

i try to remember that the thing that's always interested me about religion is not actually any one particular religion, but more what people do with their beliefs. i'm more interested in how a religion shapes and upkeeps who people are, as opposed to what a religion has to actually say. but of course, to gain any insight into what people do with religion, you have to know what a religion does, or stands for. so, in maintaining an active interest in religion over the past few years, i've become more disenchanted with certain schools of thought and more attracted to others. and now i'm starting to think "who cares" while at the same time looking for ways to start talking/thinking about it again.

revise, revise, revise. for book club this month we're reading "lies my teacher told me." in a tone similar to popular psuedo-academic books like "guns, germs, and steel," james loewen presents the case for the craptastic american history (and any history) education that we've received. he gives us thrilling new facts and perspectives on historical figures and events from columbus to the civil war. i think everyone should read this book. if you can't get through all of it, at least read some of it, it should be required reading for seniors in high school. while i'm still undecided on whether or not my history education was lacking or unexciting, i do think much of what loewen says is spot on and pertinent to the situation in our classrooms.

"our situation is this: american history is full of fantastic and important stories. these stories have the power to spellbind audiences, even audiences of difficult seventh graders. these same stories show what america has been about and have direct relevance to our present society. american audiences, even young ones, need and want to know about their national past. yet they sleep through the classes that present it.

what has gone wrong?"
-introduction, lies my teacher told me-

what's funny about reading these books however -- stuff like freakonomics; blank slate; the aforementioned guns, germs, and steel -- is that as interesting as they are to read, they really have no real world value to the average person. sure, i now have an inkling of the five major reasons why europe came to domination, but how useful is this information? do people feel smarter, more well read, more aware after reading these books? what do these books do to people short of being a nice semi-intelligent diversion? then again, it's better to read them than not read them right? at least you try to know something to talk about at dinner, instead of sitting there babbling about nothing. then again, you'd really be just sitting around regurgitating ideas you just read about while eating; so really, the best solution is to just read and eat, while avoiding conversation altogether.

one shining moment. i tried to ask my friend if she'd had any magic moments with this particular (platonic) guy friend of hers. the conversation devolved into defining what exactly a "magic moment" was. to me, a magic moment is a combination of coincidence and connection. like when you are sitting around with a friend and you both break out with the exact same line of an obscure song that both of you had treasured since middle school -- and you felt like nobody else knew that song. and then you look at each other and wonder how you did that. and then you think to yourself "wow, that could not have happened with anyone else, or at any other time, except now." that's the rough definition of a magic moment.

note that a magic moment differs from a memorable moment. many things are memorable, but not everything is magic. and the thing about magic moments is that there is no recipe or way of anticipating them. some people seem to think that all of their magic moments happen in the company of their significant others. while this could certainly be very likely, for me personally, the bulk of my magic moments occur with friends, not girlfriends. this could say more about me than magic moments, but i digress. strangely, having a high number of magic moments with someone is not necessarily an indicator of a close or treasured friendship. i've never experienced a magic moment with most of my best friends while i've had maybe two or three with a friend that i wouldn't necessarily have on my speed dial. magic moments are completely random. part of the reason why they're so great.

magic moments aren't even particularly memorable sometimes. like if you reference a trip to europe with a friend, you might remember the memorable moments more than any magic moments. but during a magic moment, the world stops, and both of you realize that something fantastic just happened -- even if that feeling flys away in the next eye blink.

i've also realized that in trying to get my friends to speak about their magic moments that most magic moments can't be shared or explained. the magical part is hard to explain and often the stories conclude with the listeners going "oh, that was it? that was your magic moment?" so treasure your magic moments, because nobody but you and him/her/they will get it.

keep it simple stupid. i know many of you already know about this website, but it bears mentioning again. the million dollar website is now completely sold out and the young entrepreneur who created the webpage is not only rich, but also a mini-celebrity. not bad for an idea spawned in twenty minutes eh? i know my friends and i have often sat around wondering how to get rich quick and to think that one person did it by coming up with an idea as stupidly simple as selling pixels on a website is mind-numbing. in the history of get rich schemes, this has got to be one of the best. low overhead, low risk, instant millionaire. this story really asks the question if one successful idea gives you the title of "entrepreneur" and if one great idea makes you a "genius." in this case, i'd say the answer to both questions is "yes."

my brilliant idea of web squatting gmail addresses was quickly busted when god@gmail and other gems were already gone. can you believe somebody already had mikewazowski@gmail? yeah, i couldn't either.

our house, in the middle of our street. for quite awhile now, my mom has been planning to move from our temporary home in encinitas back into our old one in del mar. originally, she had moved out of the del mar house because it was too big to live in by herself. but now, after a few years away, nostalgia has worked to pull her back in. not without a good makeover of course. i had heard that my mom was doing a remodeling of the kitchen. as it turns out, the entire house is remodeled.

starting with a fancy new shiny garage floor (a huge improvement over a concrete floored garage) and extending to every light fixture and doorknob, the entire house has been transformed. the previous tenants had already replaced the white carpet of yore, and now the entire house has gone from light wood, flowery furniture, and a bright aura to dark wood, gray flecked marble, and contemporary pieces. it's quite a change. it wasn't until i walked upstairs into the overhanging walkway did i feel at home again -- and only because the view felt the same. it's that different.

but as i explored, the house -- still hiding underneath its new mask -- revealed its familiarities bit by bit. certain doors that always jammed were tough to open. the tool drawer, like always, had to be given a good tug. my closet door still stuck to its rails and slid funny. at these moments, i understood why people always want to go visit their old houses. sure people have been there, sure everything may look different, but in the end, its still your house. and now my mom's moving back in, for good this time.

and i feel like the intervening four years were a dream, like we had never left, and nothing had ever happened. as if all i'd done in the years since moving out was washed away. it's the strangest feeling. i wish i could explain it better. anyway, the house is ready for slumber parties again. or karaoke. two events which traditionally have gone hand in hand. bring your pillows and earplugs, we're ready.

wanna hang out? in my browsings through craigslist i've come upon ads looking for housemates. not roommates but housemates. under the jobs section, there are ads asking for someone who will hang out at the house every day from say, 10pm until 7am. many times, the compensation includes not only a salary, but free rent.

my first thought was, "i can get paid to be someone's friend? awesome." then i was thinking, wait, what kind of person needs to pay other people to be their friends? plus in my world, having money automatically begets friends. anyway, i was wondering why anyone would need such a deal. if they're lonely, aren't dogs cheaper? televisions more versatile? hasn't the internet eliminated the need for real live friends anyway?

i pondered whether or not i could sacrifice my night time hours to hang out with someone whom i might not necessarily have hang out with normally. the answer was a definitive no. i value my night time hours too much, and without an extravagant sum, i couldn't give up hanging out with my free friends. that extravagant sum is certainly flexible and negotiable though.

and what happens when you reach the point when the money has run out but they still want you to hang out? if the money stops, and then you stop being their friend, doesn't that kind of shatter their dream that even though you started off as an employee friend, you grew to become an actual friend? i mean, that's what i would secretly hope if i was paying someone to hang out with me. that at some point, my friendship would be worth more than the money that it's printed on. and that the other party would want to hang out outside the terms of our contract.

some friendships, i find, are similar to this kind of craiglist offer. "i'll hang out with you if..." friendships -- or "compartmentalized friendships." the compensation is usually not (directly) monetary, but we all have friendship contracts with each other. like "i'll hang out with them if they boost my self esteem." or "i'll hang out with them for this activity but nothing else." what's the difference between these sorts of unspoken contracts and the craiglist postings? maybe not all that much.

a real american hero: how else can i say it, i don't speak no other languages. i recently watched a stand up routine by indian comedian russell peters. i can't find out why his last name is "peters," aside from the possibility of a mixed heritage. deep down, i hope the reason for his misleading surname has to do with taking a stage name so that he could break into the entertainment industry. although with his brand of humor, i doubt that's a choice he would have made. maybe he's adopted, who knows.

anyways, peters is hilarious. i'm apparently late to the russell peters bandwagon but arriving late is better than never arriving at all. peters uses an array of accents, impersonations, and under the breath one-liners to explore the world of asian-americans. what's odd here is that to me, indian is not asian (aside from the convenient political grouping) and peters is not american -- he's actually canadian. but whatever, russell peters can still be the litmus test for how asian-americans are encroaching into popular american culture -- or rather, how we aren't.

we're living, right this moment, in the golden era of asian-american comedians. yes, it's true. look at john cho and kal penn, the colored faces of harold and kumar. crapalicious movie, one giant leap (forward) for asian-kind. then recall the winner of the first "last comic standing," dat phan. and of course, still going strong, the grand old dame of asian-american comedy, margaret cho. let's not forget to throw william hung in this category, since he clearly qualifies as asian and comedy, even if it's slightly unintentional. this is it, we are on the verge of an asian-american comedic breakthrough.

or are we?

if i were an asian-american comedian and most of my material focused on re-creating my parents' accents and relating the cultural differences and struggles of my people in a humorous way, i would be thinking to myself, "is this really going to work? can i ever make it big?"

if you're a comedian of color (brown, yellow, black, red, jewish), you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. you may want to avoid the ethnic jokes but chances are, you will need them to get noticed. this is the way it's been. stand up comedians generally mock themselves. and are ethnic comedians going to pass up the comedic goldmine that is their reflection in the mirror? no way. however, by reaching out into your ethnic bag of tricks for a few laughs, you get pigeon-holed into a niche. asian-american comedian. you've heard one small penis joke, you've heard them all. right?

when will america be ready to take asian-americans seriously as "normal" comedians and not just a nice diversity day? the answer is, probably never. i mean, who are the biggest black comedians -- a(very) successful minority comedian group -- out there today? chris rock and dave chappelle. what do they do? make fun of black people. make fun of black people relating to other people. make fun of black people. but they pull in a huge (white) audience.

in an article i read, chappelle hints that he left for his infamous trip to who knows where because he felt like his expanding fan-base was starting to laugh at him, and not with him. he was bothered by the fact that his work was edging possibly toward exploitative vaudeville instead of raucous social commentary. so dave left to find some answers and to reconcile what his comedy was being perceived as versus what he wanted it to be.

i don't think asian-american comedians can even dream of this existential comedic crisis yet. they're still just trying to make people laugh period, whether that's at them, with them, or against them. just make'em laugh, who cares if you have to ching ching chong your way through the act? just do it, break those color barriers. in the end however, what good is having asian-american comedians if they're perceived as nothing more than a novelty act? is the solution to wait until america itself is more "beige" as russell peters calls it? wait until enough people in the audience can relate by sheer similarity of color and experience?

my other question is: are asian accents funny to other people? i mean, if you have no clue what an indian accent is or what peters is referencing in his act, is that funny? i mean, i have no clue what it's like to be (or to be around) a redneck and i don't find jeff foxworthy to be particularly funny. i assume it's because i can't relate. is this the same thing with ethnic humor? then again, i really have no connection to either the black or jewish worlds and i laugh at their brands of comedy. maybe the solution is that once you have enough asian-americans showing the world why asian-americans are funny, we will actually be funny.

long story short. i laugh and revel in asian-american comedy but i wonder where it can go. where is the audience? are asian-american comedians doomed to tour the country performing only for audiences that are tailor-made to enjoy them? comedy isn't about making your people laugh, it's about making everyone laugh. not an easy feat at all.

ulysses. i am starting to think that there lies a great chasm between those who can see the big picture, and those who cannot. and i'm starting to suspect that i'm on the wrong side of that gap. i often think about how difficult it is to say, make a movie -- something that is done most routinely and clearly, by people of all (in)capacities. all of the details, the planning, the foresight, and the vision involved intimidates me. i marvel at how well sportscenter's graphics are displayed and executed. how do they sync up the images and the commentary so well? anything that seems complicated, that i can't immediately get my mind around in five minutes, amazes me.

i once found comfort in the idea that if you look at a finished product, it would be akin to gazing upon the human body as a piece of work -- miraculous, but certainly explainable. i talked myself into thinking that i could understand things if i had seen the work from the beginning. i mean, if i knew about atoms then molecules then cells, the human body could logically emerge from that knowledge. step by step, if i could see the individual parts being constructed, i would get to the whole with a full understanding of how things worked.

however, this is small consolation when looking upon most great works. sometimes i'll read a book, watch a movie, or think about a concept, and my mind is just blown. i can't wrap my little brain around how something got from point a to point b, with no perceivable logic save miracles in-between. to me, it seems as if the great work emerged, like athena from the head of zeus, fully formed and clad in a set of armor. i'm mind boggled.

so it helps to read things that explain how things got from the beginning to the end. and to realize that great works take a million steps from point a to b, even if all you see, and are transfixed by, is the final product. well, it helps until you realize that you don't even know where your personal point a is.

there's a cover charge for the bibliotheque? in a triumphant return to my local library -- after a layoff of about four years -- i was greeted with overdue fees totaling in the double digits, plus another dollar tacked on for "losing" my library card. your earthly sins can eventually be forgiven but not your library fines i guess. after paying off my literary indulgences, i wondered why library cards were even necessary in our modern age. shouldn't all that shit be in the computer? if i give you my driver's license, shouldn't that suffice? i mean, even blockbuster doesn't make you carry a card around anymore. the library system can find out which magazine issues i failed to return four years ago but it can't let me borrow items without making me pay for another card? i smell a rat.

actually, i like having a physical library card. it's nostalgic i guess. mine is shiny blue and totally cooler than yours. library cards have definitely moved up in the design world over the past few years. it occurs to me that maybe library cards are made to be lost. this way, libraries can charge you a small re-card fee in order to fund their projects -- while making you feel like an idiot. which is a small sacrifice for a noble cause i guess. imagine the millions of dollars lost if library cards were to suddenly become a thing of the past.

i wonder if anyone has ever tattooed their library card bar code on themselves. that would seem to be convenient, and quite prudent. well, until you moved i guess. bar code tattoos are stupid. unless you were the among the first dozen people to get them. then you're cool, but you just so happen to resemble stupidity.

i feel like librarians should be tipped, or at least they could put out a change jar near the reading stations. i just made $130 (even after having 8% taken out) from my change jar, and that's just from one person over six months. loose change could probably provide the funding for new schools, classrooms, and healthy lunches for our children. "leave no couch cushion unturned." oh wait, this idea has already been done by those kids who go around your neighborhood collecting pennies in boxes. and i guess, bums know about the financial powers of accumulating coins too.

the other thing i question about the library is this dewey decimal system thing. it's just confusing. and outdated don't you think? nobody learns the dewey decimal system anymore. i hear that some libraries are re-organizing their books to feel more like bookstores. i assume this means they'll do away with the dewey decimal system too. good riddance. if i want to find all of carl sagan's books, it should all right there where i need it. not one in the 600.2s and another in the 530.3s. it's inefficient. or maybe, too efficient to be useful. "down with dewey" either way.

and why did they stop stamping the return dates in your library books? i can't be responsible enough to remember when my items are due unless the return date is attached to each individual item. how old do you think i am? this could actually just be another ploy to make more money. hum. i've suddenly gained new clarity on the way libraries work. free education my ass.

genius for hire. during my vigorous and unmotivated search for a job, i came across a posting for a website writer whose requirements include "an eye for mistakes" and "technical knowledge." their provided reply email address had the wrong format (a www tag in front of the email) and a misspelled word (no "i" in "industries"). i noted both mistakes in my introductory email. were the mistakes intentional and designed to weed out the weak -- and unqualified? if so, brilliant. will i get the job? i should right? since i figured out their little hiring game in a millisecond? someone hire me already, i'm tech savvy with an eye for mistakes. plus i give good relationship advice.

beautiful, i just want you to know. in a programming move inspired by king midas, mtv has upped the ante on its reality programming. instead of slipping increasingly better looking people (arguably) onto its shows -- especially flagship show "the real world" -- mtv has finally decided to cut through the bullshit and go straight to casting ten actual aspiring models. instead of figuring out which cast member(s) was the the "hot one," mtv decided to just toss all hotties into its new show, to create a true melting pot of hot. god bless america.

see, mtv had a problem. how could they top the mega-success created by melodramatic good looking teens from laguna beach? their obvious answer was to kick it up a notch and throw an entire cast of beautiful people in front of the camera. say hello to "8th and ocean." after watching the highly anticipated first episode, i'm here to tell you that the strategy (shockingly) works. beautiful people inspire awe, or hate, and either one makes for gripping viewing.

in addition to having telegenic models on-screen, mtv has further assured the success of 8th & ocean by having twins on the show. note the acclaimed television history of having (real or fictional) twins on your show: 90210, friends, sister sister, full house, i'm sure the list is much more extensive. all winners, sort of.

8th and ocean boasts the intriguing premise of identical twins on different career paths. how can this be you ask? don't they look alike? yes, they do, but there are slight differences. strangely, one twin is objectively better looking. both are abnormally good looking compared to us regular humans, but somehow, kelly is just better looking than her sister sabrina. kelly also has a more outgoing personality and a better relationship with the camera. despite looking almost exactly like her sister, sabrina just doesn't have it. plus she has acne and is jealous of kelly's rising star, which gives her even more pressure -- possibly leading to more acne. hey, beautiful people get acne too, right proactive?

this is a social psychology question worthy of our highest universities. how can two identical twins have such different prospects in the modeling world -- a world predicated on physical looks? i will be pondering this question throughout the duration of this show. i mean, i'm not watching the show for the models, that would just be too obvious.

the show also features a modern day dorothy from kansas, britt, who claims to have never gone out to a club before, and doesn't know how to dance. riiight. by episode three i'm sure she'll be tossing down drinks and gyrating on invisible poles with the best of them.