hyperbole. what are we searching for? what am i searching for? why read books, talk to people, go to fellowship, engage the mind, what is the purpose? if innocence is bliss, why not remain innocent? knowledge is power and knowing is half the power but at the end of the day, that knowledge has to have some end benefit. it's all fun and games until armageddon.



is the search for truth? too relative. is the search for happiness? too easily attainable and/or too fleeting. enlightenment? too lofty a goal. not to mention too transcendental. what is it that we/i am looking for? everything seems too trite. too common. nothing stands out as "the reason." looking for answers, looking for your niche, looking for anything at all is frustrating when you're not sure what you're looking for.



and to an extent, it's because of that frustration and innate confusion (i don't want to use that word but it's the closest thing i can think of...maybe curiousity would be better) that i'm attracted to religion. not for the religion itself--because i am not a religious person at all--but rather to see how other people cope with these questions. it's terribly interesting to see how a person arrives at conclusions about the nature of light. it's slightly awe-inspiring to see people live according to a set of unwavering beliefs. philosophy and religion are hardly separate in my mind and without academic distinctions, both are really just the search for motivation. religion has, i suppose, more justifications involved but i'll pass on pondering the specific differences for now. i realized, as i sat near the back row of a fellowship, listening to a sermon, singing songs of praise to a god that i don't believe in, that i'm walking on the same road as the religious person. we all are. but, walking in the same direction by no means guarantees walking together. or reaching the same destination.



i'm at this place in life where i'm trying to actively challenge and change things. of course, everyone is at this age. the early twenties are a transitory stage. i'm trying to push it along however. i feel the urge to re-open books that i've already closed and shelved away a long ago. i've decided to pick up an eraser and pore over and correct previously recorded thoughts. i want to challenge all my notions and make sure that i still believe in them, and not just spout things by rote and by habit. everyone should do this every once in awhile. four or five years i say. even less now, when life twists and turns so often.



and what will happen when i feel like i've done enough reconfigurating? where will i be? i won't necessarily have answers, neither will i be happier, nor will i be closer to enlightenment. but at least i'd have done something. i'll have evolved.