to get the girl of your dreams in four easy steps
(1) get close to her any way you can. sit next to her, hang out on her porch, "happen" to run into her. tell her you invited everybody when you didn't. grab her if you must. gently though, girls are delicate.

(2) make yourself attractive. shower, shave, wear nice clothes, cut your fingernails, groom yourself. flip your hair if you must. find/fake some style and use and abuse it. find your good side (or angle) and stick to it. don't fuck around by standing next to better looking men or bright lights. hang out in shady areas with some dorky looking mofos. this is a very important step. consult a platonic female friend for "how can i look better" advice. if you have no platonic female friends, the failsafe is to hit the gym. muscles are always useful for.....making more muscle.

(3) always say "yes." nod a lot. smile a lot. agree agree agree. throw in an occassional question or retaliatory opinion just to mix things up so she thinks you're really listening. be sure to concede your point within five minutes, no matter how illogical her argument was/is. make sure to bring up how you are so in touch with your emotions and how you "love to talk all night and take romantic walks on the beach." i quoted that because you must say this verbatim. no exceptions. also, try to mirror her attitude. if she is being bitchy, you be bitchy. if she's being pouty, you be pouty. got it?

(4) tell her you like her. all the time. even if it doesn't seem to work at first and she dismisses your declarations of love as hogwash, you must keep at it. give presents (homemade shelves are nice), don't be thrifty with compliments, and make sure she knows that you don't want to just be friends. she may reject you at first but in time, your persistence and the "awn" moments you generate with your gifts will win her over. i'm sure of it. i've seen losers turn into winners through the sheer power of presents and perfectly timed compliments. when are compliments perfectly timed? any time you utter a compliment (try to be sincere please) is a perfect time.

there you have it. my four step plan to acquire the girl of your dreams, backed up by the research of really smart social psychologists. remember, "friends don't let friends be ugly." maybe this should be changed to "friends don't let friends be lonely" for 2006. the panel will consider it.