now i ain't saying i'm a gold farmer. i had a friend once mention to me that she thought i might be slightly racist. me? racist? what?! was i one of those unknowing unself-actualized bigots that spewed racial epithets and used stereotypes to guide my judgement and (mis)treatment of the one in a trillion stars in the sky individuals who deserve to be evaluted not based on the color of their skins but the color of their souls? had i not shined the racist black light long enough in my own direction?

what my friend said hit me in a bad way; like the sight of a mexican "chef" behind the sushi bar -- and not with a mop in hand either. i thought long and hard about her words... and the conclusion i came to was: "yes, i am exactly one of those people who spew racial epithets and use stereotypes to guide my comments and judgements of individuals."

for example, common phrases that might be heard coming out of my mouth include (but are not limited to) the following:

"oh, he's korean? no wonder he's so angry. and drunk. and rude. and wife beat-y"

"a white bar? no way, i'm not going in there. hell to the honky no. kanye west does not care about white people."

"wait, he's black? if he can dunk, invite him over."

"dirty pilipino." (i don't say this one actually, i just like hearing one person in particular say it)

it disturbed me for some time, that these comments could give my friend the impression that i was racist. i mean, i was just grouping people together so that my advanced mammalian brain could be prepared to act quickly on instinct, just in case i get jumped one day by roving african-americans wearing totally unseeablethrough facemasks. but i'm sure it was them officer, i know it. book'em danno. it's a fine line between using stereotypes to prevent assault and theft, and being racist. apparently i challenge that thin line on a daily basis.

hanging out with a whole bunch of asians never helps nominate me for united nations man of the millenium either. i have a handful of white friends -- okay, maybe three or four. a gaggle of black friends. a dollop of indian friends. and a tinkle of persian friends (two of which come from the same family). and most of these non-asian friends come in fractions. half-black, quarter-white, an eighth martian. if i had to count full blooded monochromatic friends, my numbers would drop below the friendship variety poverty line. and i might be done making new friends this decade, so my personal kaleidoscope won't exactly be looking different any time soon.

what keeps me thinking about this whole discussion (dated circa 2001) is that the accusation came from the mouth of a friend who had once declared that she wasn't sure if she could be "really good friends with anyone non-asian." i mean, wasn't that somewhat racist? she had a decently logical argument for her reasoning but to close yourself off to deeper friendships because someone might not share your ethnic background and upbringing strikes me as a wee bit racist doesn't it? as well as totally non-opportunistic. you need to make good friends where you can find them -- under a rock, in a tree, in the midwest -- and then fuck them over later if need be. hoard and pillage, in that order.

i think that in the end, when push comes to shove, everyone's a racist. at the apocalypse we'll all band together with people who look like us and hum traditional battle cries as we face off in braveheart fashion. which is why i'm glad that there are many more of my people than there are of any other people. go team chinese.