step into the cipher. a female friend of mine recently sent me an email, begging me (over exaggeration) to decipher the meaning behind it. what does he want? what can you divine through his words? his paragraph breaks? what are his intentions? i told her she came to the right man, because i am the self proclaimed "master of the break-the-ice email." it's taken some trial and error and lots of practice but i'm now the man i've always wanted to be. in the email world anyway.



lesson one of email cryptology is to check punctuation. is everything spelled right? how is the grammar? the word use? is he artificially stretching his vocabulary? is he using "ur" instead of "you're?" is he revealing too much? is he too formal? is he already too casual? these are all very important questions. most important perhaps, is how he signed off. there are many mistakes here. "sincerely" is way too formal. "hugs and kisses" too girly. "write me back soon" is too desperate. if his email asks for a confirmation receipt, that is an auto-fail, for sures. but this isn't what i'm here to talk about, maybe tomorrow we'll go into it more but for now, i'm here to comment on the construction of the all important first email.



why is a first email so important? isn't an email just a throwaway piece of junk? certainly not. emails are archived for eternity, if you start off on the wrong foot, you're fucked forever. so what are the keys to a successful first email? rule number one is to stick to the ever useful k.i.s.s. -- keep it simple stupid. you aren't trying to wow anyone here, you're just establishing contact and contructing your email in such a manner that it cannot be ignored.



you want to attract attention but not so much that it becomes a turn off. you want to be clear with your intentions (whatever they may be) and quick to the point. keep your email no longer than one paragraph. i'd say six sentences is a good goal. any more and they feel pressure to respond in kind, and a long email may be intimidating because it would take too much effort to respond. so keep it short. a long email can only lead to bad news. after all, why waste all this time and effort if you are going to get rejected or kept waiting for a response anyway?



let me state here that my theories are based upon having already met a person, and having had a conversation or two with them. this is not a blind email. i don't have any advice, or insight, into that unpredictable world.



the meat of your email will be responding to something that you talked about before, or something that was referenced in an earlier conversation. writing "it was so good to talk to you, let's keep it up" does not qualify as anything interesting. of course it was good to talk to them, of course you want to keep it up, you're emailing aren't you? i like to start right into mid-conversation status. this skips the whole awkward introduction thing and takes you right into friendship territory. you want to make them laugh, at least once. if you can keep the laughs coming, that might warrant a longer email. but remember, you are not a comedian. if you feel the need to flirt, flirt now. don't start that shit in the beginning. "hey baby, what's up?" has never succeeded for anyone. and is not acceptable as an ice breaker. trust me on this one.



you might also, during this portion of the email, drop a few interests, things, "hooks" that will let them know something about you. tell them about the latest song, or a simple idea you had. something. try to keep it non-run of the mill okay? originality never hurt anyone. after you've dropped two or three carefully constructed lines, prepare to make your exit. yes, it's over and she probably didn't feel a thing. zip up, move on.



remember to always ask a leading question as you exit. otherwise you run the risk of them receiving your email but then having nothing to respond to. don't ask, "do you like work?" or "how's school?" boooring. ask something a tad more exciting. "so when we went to the restaurant, didn't you find it interesting that there was no soap in the bathrooms?" choose your own adventure here.



so what you end up with is one line of intro, two or three lines of meat, one line of leading question. that leaves the exit line. i've already told you how important this is. leave behind something that is open ended but with some sense of urgency. a simple "talk to you later" will do. add some flavor here, a bit of condiment if you will. put your personal stamp on your exit line. jazz hands, jazz hands.



why so much effort into a simple email? because, if we can't obsess over the small things, what can we obsess over? an effective first email can set the mood and tempo for the rest of your friendship. i've liked people (not in that way) based purely on their first emails alone. first responses should also be drafted similarly to the first email, but in a response, there is the additional factor of matching the tone of their introductory email.



the best reply email i've ever gotten from someone was "aight," in response to my email of "how goes it?" this one had none of the bells and whistles that i spoke of above but it was very fitting of my friend's personality. i loved the fact that there was no question or extra verbiage in her response. just an "aight." maybe you don't understand why i loved this so much. oh well. has my email writing credibility been lost by my choice of anecdote? screw you then.



anyway. the email that my friend forwarded to me turned out to be anti-climatic. super boring, super useless. no divination possible. it had no intro, no hook and too open-ended of an exit. "call me when you're in town next time." that's not conducive to additional emailing. c'mon now! don't worry gentle reader, armed with my knowledge and my step by step process, you won't make the same mistake.