my happiness. life is so great right now, i have all the money i'll never need, it's nice to know that my great to the Nth power kids will be taken care of. who knew that you could trademark a letter? from now on everytime you use "t" or "s", one penny drops into my bank. note i did not say "bank account." i said bank. as in, my bank. yeah, with the proceeds from my teleportation device i've set up a bank. a bank of jon. life is good.



and my romantic life? excellent. two babes and a hottie. or was that two hotties and a babe? so confusing. anyway yeah, i've given up on monogomy, it's outdated. polygamy, that's way in. but more on that later.



and my kids, so beautiful. the strapping perfect images of me that i never was. amazing what one can do once you cull the "rejects." there's always a runt in every litter, luckily we got rid of that one and kept the cute ones. so now we just say we had sextets and not septuplets. and i never even have to see my kids ever! they are so well behaved that they raise themselves! it's crazy. add water and they turn out perfect, everytime. we're thinking of having another set of five so we can field a football team because this yang family baskeball dominance is just getting a bit staid. uncle yao said the other day that he was sick of looking up at our kids, it may be time to try other sports. did i mention the kids never poop?



we have no animals though. we have a computer, that's plenty enough interaction for the kids.



so you must ask, what is it that you do everyday jon? i mean like, what's your occupation? i answer confidently that i love my job and that it affords me all the financial, emotional, intellectual, creative stimulation that i ever wanted from a job. here, take a card. "jon yang. blogmeister." yeah, it was kinda tough to get the correct spelling of blogmeister down but i think i figured it out. um, you like the business cards printed on hundreds eh? it's a fully functioning hundred dollar bill too. please, take it, i have millions.



all this and i'm only going on twenty five. quarter life crisis. please. my only crisis is whether to wear the new white tshirt or the old white tshirt. costco does make so many fine white tees. did i mention i can lift over twelve hundred pounds? with one hand no less. hooked on phonics worked for me. i also smell good. like real good. fragrant even. and me and my friends, we do so much. we're never bored, we're never stagnant. and everyone just loves each other. i feel so lucky to have the perfect group of friends. and i use "perfect" not as an ideal but rather as in the dictionary defined "lacking nothing essential to the whole" way. it's like i've met all the cool people in the world and they all come over to sleepover and hang out.



did i mention i started my own religion? yeah, it's true. i talked to god and he said "listen son, here's what's really good. i don't care what you guys think, just do whatever you gotta do, it's all the same in the end anyway." and based upon that enlightening experience, i've started the "church of um." we believe nothing. all we are allowed to do is go "um." as in "um, that tastes good. um, that is cool. um, i'm hungry. um, don't ask me, how the fuck should i know?" it's great, you should join us. but we can't do anything in unison because that would be annoying and closeminded. be different ya'll. be polygamous or be what you wanna be, if you work hard at it, you'll be where you want to be. as long as it works for you, it works for us.



and we never talk about love as the great answer because love is overrated and over marketed. instead we just talk about food. because food is always always underrated. no gatherings are conducted without lots of food. we're not just a religion, we're a philosophy slash food court. and we've discovered that eating jujubees grants you immortality. no lie, it's 100% true. but only if you eat the red ones. avoid the green ones, those lead to premature death. and all the other colors just rot your teeth and make you ugly. and friends don't let friends be ugly.



i'm so happy right now i could die.