spring. flowers blossom, love blossoms. life should blossom. i could use today, the first day of spring, as a symbolic turning point in my life. turning a new page. flipping over a new leaf. whatever that means. i remember three years ago, as a junior, telling someone that i was on the path to a new page. and here, three years later, i’m saying it again. i’m good at that. saying things that i don’t really mean. or mean but never really do.



i received a semi lecture from my mom this morning about the responsibilities that i now have. about the responsibilities that i shirk on a daily basis. about how nobody can really determine what i do and how i do it. about how as i get involved in the business, i am in a position that can be easily abused. no one will keep me in check. no one will reprimand me. no one will hover over me watching my every action and mis-action. except me. yet, i drag my feet every day and arrive to work late every day, all in principled denial of the responsibilities that i am not yet willing to take. i have to prove myself to everyone but i don’t want to do it yet. not until i’m mentally ready. i want to put off life for just another two weeks. or three. or four.



five months ago i mentally prepared myself for this and i was ready to do anything. fearing anything. but now i come up with every selfish excuse to delay things. but i don’t really care because i believe in selfishness. whole heartedly. today is my parent’s twenty second wedding anniversary. i’m twenty three and i’ve done nothing all day. the first day of spring.