Choose Your Own Adventure

You know what's one of the hard parts of having a significant other? Having to demystify what your relationships with opposite sex friends is all about. And to do it in a kid glove way. "It's totally nothing. Of course I can see how people think she's attractive. But no I'm just not attracted to her." Meanwhile you're strategically neglecting to mention the two months you spent pining away for her last year.

I know, I know. Relationships are all about honesty and openness. However, there's really no safer answer than: "She's just a friend." There's like this telekinetic shield surrounding that statement. Even if the person asking is suspicious, they know they'll have to use that same line at some point so they have to respect the truth (or half-truth) that goes along with it.

If they're going to probe harder than that, they better be prepared to defend themselves at another time. Possibly in the next three seconds. "What about Chuck? He's always touching you. Are you guys 'just friends?'" Sometimes when talking about this stuff, it feels like both parties are playing a particularly volatile game of Bomberman, trying to defuse shit as fast as they can.

When you're not dating someone, if the person asking you is someone you trust, you can usually give a pretty honest answer. "Oh she's super cool. We have this weird kind of vibe that I can't fully describe but yeah, I'm kind of attracted to her." You say shit like that to your significant other and you're liable to get the glare down. Maybe I'm short changing women too much -- or at least my experience with women.

I've heard of couples who willingly talk out loud about their interactions and attractions to other people but personally I've found that it's usually done with a disclaimer right afterwards. "But you're the one for me because..." If you don't say stuff like that, you're a total ass. Trust me, I know. My problem is I'm terrible at giving my girlfriends compliments. I'm tight-fisted with my words of affirmation when I'm dating somebody. (I could probably work on that actually.) However, when I talk about certain other people, I practically gush about how cool they are. To the point sometimes when my girlfriend asks, "Wait, why don't you just date HER?"

"I don't know" or "We're not compatible in that way" usually doesn't suffice. The truth is that sometimes I do know or I think we could be compatible in that way but you can't even say that stuff. I guess what bothers me is that once you lock into a relationship, it's like you have to suddenly act out this play where both of you pseudo-acknowledge that you're both each other's number one choices.

Which is, like, totally not true. Especially at our age. You don't go through all this time without acknowledging the idea that you can be attracted to multiple people (sometimes at the same time). I don't know who's still holding out for the One but it seems rarer and rarer nowadays. And it's not even about the cynics or the jaded people. Holding your hat in your hand waiting for the One seems like something to do in your twenties. In your thirties? Get real.

Of course the question then is why are the two of you dating each other? Aren't we supposed to be dating our number ones? Well, as we all know, it doesn't work like that. Timing, circumstance, distance, unrequited feelings, mistakes, auto-fails, any number of things get in the way of an actual relationship. If we were all trying to date our number ones then there would be a hell of a lot more single people around, right?

There is another paradigm to consider here. Perhaps it's healthiest to just spit out your real thoughts and feelings about the people in your life. Talk about your crushes, indulge in your wicked thoughts, stop tucking away parts of yourself that are important even if they're relationship taboo. It could possibly be liberating. Possibly.

While I may not quite be ready for all that, I am grasping onto the idea of how harmful it can be to constantly downplay my relationships with other people. See, I'm really just promoting jealousy instead of defusing it. You can't use the "she's just a friend" line every time and expect to get away with it. Eventually logic wins out and not everyone is "just a friend." It's misleading and somewhat immature to keep insisting on it, especially taken in concert with the idea that we're of the age when we all know it's hardly always the (whole) truth.

So I should change my tune. If I'm going to pine away for honesty, then I have to be honest, right?

My standard line is that most of the girls I've dated have somehow acquired jealousy issues once we're in a relationship. This is despite me specifically looking for traits that would indicate they wouldn't be jealous. Do they a lot of opposite sex friends? Check. Do they have a guy best friend (who isn't trying to sleep with them)? Check. Are they emotionally capable of handling a few grey area friendships? Check. All this ground work but it still always goes to shit. Hang on now, once a sucker, twice a sucker, three times or more maybe it's you! You meaning me.

Basically what I'm beginning to come to terms with is the idea that "It's me, not you(her)." And I'm starting to finally see all the little things I do that that create a culture of insecurity and jealousness. For awhile I was convinced it was them -- them meaning girls. I was pretty certain that all girls must be like this; despite rumors of a parallel universe of girls who aren't like "that."

While I'm sure that parallel universe exists, I've got no time to sit around waiting for it to find me. I have a hell of a lot of things I need to work on myself. That's why I'm trying to stay single for awhile. I'm trying to take ownership of how my personality shapes the awful parts of relationships I'm in. There must be something I do that pushes fear and instability into my relationships.

And when I find that something I will slap it around a little and then maybe give it a quick hug.