i scream, we scream, we all scream for...vitamins?!? now, you know that i treat my body like a temple and that i would never put anything but the best products into it. my take on it is that mother nature is my pharmacy and i'd prefer to remain drug free. knowing this, my taste in vitamin supplements is very specific. i am suspicious of anything that is "just one a day", needs to be downed with a glass of water, or cannot be chewed before being swallowed. sure mega-vitamins may fulfill one thousand percent of all your vitamin needs but the stuff i use is the natural shit, the herbal organic stuff that has built superior humans for generations. that's right, i'm an exclusive pusher of flintstones vitamins. tastes like chalky candy, good for your body.



but last week, my mom got a bottle of the new stuff, the good stuff. and sad to say, the flintstones are no more. i'm here to announce that gummy bear vites are way super duper in. since acquiring these dietary gems last week (thanks mom!) i've already met two other people who are in the know about these splendid items. join the latest dieting revolution, screw atkins and whatever else. stock up on a lifetime supply of these at costco -- they're having a huge sale on them. gummies and vitamins? it's genius. whoever invented this stuff deserves to live forever. and there are more flavors too! calcium gummies, vitamin c gummies with echinacea, veggie bears and sour bears. the world is a good place to be right now. i love america.



by the way, that bitch oprah reported that these essential confections contain lead. not true. i've researched it thoroughly and can find no proof of any deadly substance contained in these critters. in fact, the only way to hurt your body with these things is by engaging in a fight with your roommates over who gets the next one. i recommend that everyone take five of these a day (unless you are a small child, in which case, take two as recommended).



i am sure that some skeptics and animal lovers out there will ask "but are these made from real gummi bears?" the answer is: yes, but they have a high reproduction rate and more than one female per village so they'll be okay. and the added vitamins don't affect the taste at all, unlike the vita boost at jamba juice. can anyone raise any objections to ingesting these things? i think not.



the gummi bears theme song, so you can get really excited to eat the vitamins because now the secret of gummi bear-y juice is revealed (recipe: boil two parts gummi vites to one part water, bring to a boil, drink). buy them, buy them, bounce everywhere, be dashing and daring courageous and caring!