thor's hammer. excaliber. gunghir. wrench, can opener, billy zane in titanic, pliers, buzzsaw, most of the male antagonists in teeny bopper movies. what do these all have in common? they are all tools. yes. tools. some men use tools so it makes sense that some men are tools. but the term "tool" is so broad. it's so easy to call a guy a tool but then to have no real idea what a tool means. but i will break it down for you.



a tool is a guy who is a "total loser." total loser = tool. it kind of rhymes. off rhythmically. a tool is not just any total loser (as there are as many different types of tools as there are stars in the sky, you know what i'm talking about girls), but the type of guy who is wrapped around the whimsy of his lady friend. he knows that he's just struck a pot of gold and he'll do anything to hang onto it. he's not cool, he's not interesting, the only thing significant about him is his status as boyfriend of so and so. tools are not exclusive to relationships but it is more common to find them under construction. all other total losers are just tools waiting to be wielded. notice that there is a distinct difference between being whooped and being a tool. cool guys can be whooped, tools are just losers who happen to be whooped. get it got it good.



tools are also very malleable. they are not just the instruments of change but also the object of change. "honey, could you get me some fresh unbottled mountain spring water? could you wear your underwear on your head?" tools are yes men. yes sir, yes ma'am. yes yes yes. tools possess no powers of their own, they exist only to serve. do you get what i'm driving at now? yes you do.



now, look in the mirror. are you a tool? do you know any tools? if so, rat them out, just like how little chinese kids were encouraged to rat out their parents under mao, your job is to rat out tools. go forth and prosper.



special subliminal message to hongshin pan written in uncrackable alphabetic code. if you know what's good for you, i would keep any comments to yourself. don't bring your smart alecky ways up in here. death stands over your shoulder and you still think it's just a woman's caress in your ear. wars have been started over less then careless whispers. just keep that in mind.