the hobgoblin of consistency. to revisit emerson for a second. he says that "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines." (more in depth analysis here) everybody i know tends to think that being a hypocrite is a terrible terrible thing. "how can you say one thing and then do another? you're a hypocrite!" people judge us on our word, our truth, our consistency with our past actions. after all, what else is there to base our trust towards someone? it's reassuring to be able to say that "richard would NEVER lie because he's never lied before." or that "i know bobby tries to treat everybody the same because that's what he's always done." this seems so impressive at first glance doesn't it? someone standing so strong admist a sea of change?



i've always been quite attached to the idea that you do things the same way over and over. like a knight attached to his code, there is never any wavering. "est sularus oth mithas (my word is my honor and my honor is life)" however, as i am weak and unarmored, imitating a knight has been challenging. especially when the code is self created and constantly being broken. and especially when you realize that there are certain parts of yourself that are insanely inconsistent but you are unwilling to change it. every knight eventually goes down with their code, with great honor of course and a fancy burial ceremony, but they go down. so far i have been unable to find the strength to become an honorable person. i have more kinship with the soul of a thief, willing to slip and slide my way into the shadows. my weapons are not the sword and the gauntlet but rather the dagger and misdirection. would you rather go down with a sinking ship or merrily jump to a nearby, albeit altogether different, ship? i think i would probably jump. as loathsome as that may be to some.



but oh how i wish to find consistency. why pursue philosophy if not to find consistency? why pursue randian ideals if not to find objectivism? why pursue anything if all past actions mean nothing? the whole world teaches us that we are judged on what we've done as well as what we are doing. sometimes what we've done is more important than anything we could possibly be doing now. our past is often more important to others than our present. i mean, people have criminal records, resumes, credit histories and diplomas for a reason. you gotta know the background context to understand the present. politicians get nailed for some crap they did twenty years ago. if we were all judged as microscopically, none of us would make it through unscathed.



and now i'm reading that perhaps inconsistency is overrated. do i believe this? can i believe this? it would invalidate a lot of the things that i've learned through the years. "speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day." do i really want to be a contradictory person? the answer is: hell yeah.



i am deciding to no longer be concerned with consistency (although it's questionable how consistent i might have been before). i care not that my actions seem random and hypocritical. i will embrace my hypocritical self and hope that others do too. after all, why set restrictions on yourself, become chained to your thoughts, when there is so much more life to live? i've always been a boxer man? i may try briefs. i've always had a healthy fear of commitment? i will attempt commitment. i've always hated eggplant? i will eat tear one apart. raw. i have always been polite and genteel? i will be rude and belch. well, maybe not belch. i'm not sure i can belch. in short, i will become someone that i totally detest. but given some time, i think i will come to terms with it. only self hate can lead to self love. for what is love but the repudiation of hate? i have no idea what that means. it just sounds ambitious. but now that i've said it i'll try to make some sense out of it. is love the repudiation of hate? hum....



i think my new year's resolution is set, one month late. "the voyage of the best ship is a zig zag line of a hundred tacks." i will zig zag with the best of them. and when i get dizzy i will puke and then zig zag again. so while it may seem like i'm running in circles and yakking up shit. i will really be zig zagging and spewing forth things of a consistent nature.



that's what i'm thinking today anyway.