jokulhlaup. a jokulhlaup is a glacial outburst caused by melt water from a subglacial volcano. so it's kind of like a giant slushy gone bad. less tasty and for more dangerous i'd presume. alternately, jokulhlaup was/is a seriously powerful card in magic: the gathering. with four colorless mana and two red mana, you could "bury all artifacts, creatures, and lands." meaning, everything in sight gets torn the hell up. did i hear discard pile anyone? ok.......no. anyway.



so now when all your earthly possessions are swept away and your world is turned upside down and victory seems out of reach, you can say "dammit, jokulhlaup!" but let me tell you, sometimes a jokulhaup can be used as an offensive weapon, clearing your opponent's valuables while strategically retaining a stash of your own in your hand. this was my favorite magic tactic, the mass destruction cards that would wipe shit clean (armageddon, wrath of god, nevinyrral's disk). pimp game like this led me to many a tournament victory i must say. i was good at magic. damn good.



now why bring you this tale of my past achievements? ego stroke? declaration of coolness? fond memories to be shared? no. the answer is that sometimes, you too can use a jokulhaup here and again, even if you don't play magic. sometimes you gotta clean that shit up. just make sure you're holding enough shit in your hand to win. otherwise you'll turn into one of the pre-pubescent pimply socially inept boys whose asses i kicked day after long summer day. that's right. you'll be a masterclass loser.



magic is not just a game. it's life. and like the game, you gotta masterfully construct your deck and hope for the best. because luck and timing play a little bit in everything. or you could cheat and not really "shuffle." which is not something i was adverse to, cheating. actually no, i would never disrespect the game of magic enough to cheat. that would be wrong. in life though, cheating is okay.



note: the dopest magic card i own(ed?) is an original icy manipulator. someone has my magic cards. speak up now or i will come after your ass with my entire arsenal of potato guns. i'm taking a few months/years off and going pro someday. life goal number three. write that down in permanent ink. accepting sponsors now.