Adventures in Dating: Part -1

Gentlemen (and ladies), I've thoroughly scoured the internet dating landscape and I'm here to tell you now: it's not pretty. For example, let us look at this little blurb.

"looking for someone who I could talk two, to go out and have funn just gett to now each other, that is not jelous that we could tust each other, hard working man that lives on his own."

I don't want to "tust" anything, much less you. Unbelievable right? I mean, I don't ask for much. Just spell check would do. And it would be nice to read a profile of a girl who doesn't list Harry Potter as her favorite book. Or as the last book she read. I mean, seriously, that shit was released in July 2007. Then again, what if they meant an older Harry Potter? Now I understand the necessity of pamphlets.

Someone told me recently that when dating, she sometimes tries to dumb herself down in order not to intimidate guys. Well, after my research, I'd say 95% of these girls are doing that really damn well -- on purpose or not. I almost don't even need a picture, just give me a percentage of misspelled words in your profile annd I'll decide based on that. I mean, seriously, you know you can edit your profile right? I don't ask for perfection, just some consideration.

I feel like I would be better off online dating at the library. "Please ma'am, let me see the borrowing habits of any females aged 25-30. Here's a signed copy of my book as enticement." This method would also be nice because clearly these women live locally. I could start things off by leaving a single rose in the 300-400 section and then we could surf the net together -- for free! I need some tech geeks to combine the library's database with a popular dating site's.

Okay, so here's the kicker. The girl looking for "someone to talk two?" I don't even qualify. She's looking for a hard working man who lives on his own. Two strikes for me...

My profile will say this:
"I enjoy people who don't take themselves too seriously, who value a good dictionary, can appreciate the proliferation of the MP3, sees humor everywhere, and can settle in for a ten hour marathon of the real world (televised or otherwise)."

From Tien: "It's Not You, It's Your Books"

Resolutions

Two full months later and it's time to re-live New Year's Eve glory. Man it's been a fast year hasn't it? It's already the middle of March and I feel like I haven't done anything yet. We're only six months away from the big 3-0 and so far I've only managed to thoroughly confuse my body with the weirdest sleeping schedule ever.

For example, it's 10:16am and I'm fully awake, but only because I woke up at midnight. I get to greet workers of America on both coasts. Then around their lunch time, I'll just pass out and hopefully wake up for a late dinner. See, I've got the perfect nine to five (sleeping) schedule.

Anyhow, James (Okapix Studios) finally finished the other half of the Prom 1989 photos. Attendees at Lilly's New Year's Bash had given up hope I'm sure of these ever being done but here they are. Enjoin us.

New Year's Eve 2007 (Non-jumping ones start on Page 2)

(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right

So I'm watching the California Supreme Court listen to arguments pro and anti-gay marriage. What else are you going to watch at four in the morning if not C-SPAN? Anyway, it's riveting stuff to be sure. It's like Mr.Smith goes to Sacramento; if Jimmy Stewart had been a bumbling, mumbling, lawyer who was getting verbally pushed around every five minutes. I've never really seen lawyers in action but the image of them on television and movies are pretty strong in my mind and this was anything but. Joe Pesci looked like a genius compared to these guys.

Vinny Gambini: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know, I'm a fast cook I guess.
Vinny Gambini: I'm sorry I was all the way over here I couldn't hear you did you say you were a fast cook, that's it?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.
Vinny Gambini: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny Gambini: Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
-My Cousin Vinny-

Welcome to the reality. I was appalled that the lawyers for such an important issue would be caught saying "um" and "ah" more than a junior varsity debate team member. I kept on waiting for the hair toss and the "like" to be thrown in somewhere. The first lawyer I watched looked like he was about to pee in his pants and responded to every question with scripted mumbo jumbo that never addressed the question. The next few lawyers didn't impress me much either. The Justices smacked the lawyers down for both sides. They make them stutter, they make them mumble, and they bullied them into logic traps. Of course, it's like seven against one but it was like watching Superman and friends flying in to beat up on a purse snatcher.

I'm sure the lawyers are very good at their jobs but somehow I was hoping for some eloquence and oratory fire. If anything, I was duly impressed by the Supremes and how they sat back and then picked apart the speaker's comments. It's easy to say "Oh yeah, same sex marriage, people are totally for it, let's make it happen." But when you have to logically (not to mention legally) argue for it and compare and contrast it with polygamy or marrying your cousin, or how civil unions are inadequate and things like that, the issue gets pretty dense.

I was most appalled when one of the pro-gay marriage lawyers was asked for a definition of marriage and he said (slightly paraphrased), "It's about two people who are in love and offer emotional support to each other...." I thought he was reading aloud from The Notebook or I Kissed Dating Goodbye. "Oh! It's about love and emotional support! Let's fast track this thing right through then!"

The court has to make a decision in three months about this but if what I saw was any indication of the defense, good flipping luck. It would be nice to say that "love" will win the day but really, that never happens except in the movies.

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam..."
-The Princess Bride-

Stop, Collaborate, and Listen

Here's what I'm staring at: a stack of paper 45,000 words deep, edited with some pencil and red ink, and all dressed up with Post-It notes and things that make my manuscript look very awesome and declaratively a "work in progress." It was just around this time last year that I was writing up a mere three thousand word proposal (quickly expanded to ten thousand one month later) in the hopes of really solidifying my "author" status.

My business card has an email address that declares my name as "Author Jon." It's pretentious as all hell but hey, it sounds better than nothing right? Plus, once you put it on a business card it's all official so people are totally fooled. My thinking has always been that by writing a non-fiction and a fiction book, I'll be able to represent myself as a real writer. Anyone can put some expertise in a Word document and make a how-to book right? Well, not everybody can sit down and write an entire work of fiction and imagination correct? Or that's how the thinking goes anyway.

Well, now that I'm a few weeks away from actually finishing up this book, I'm suffering from heavy insecurities, a heavy workload, and a heavy addiction to distractions. The thing to do in these situations is to just stay up late and plug on through because nobody else is awake to distract you and the TV won't be playing anything good for a few hours. That's my most efficient way of working I think.

The past few times I've been under the clock for a deadline, it's been heavy cigarettes and coffee. I've got the coffee right here but due to having run out of smoking gloves, I haven't been able to get churning on either the writing or the smoking. I think what I need here is to start placing four in the morning calls to Gemma again. Her nursing schedule was perfect for my writing schedule. Plus she was my latex glove supplier.

The good news is that I don't have anything to do except work on this draft for awhile. My editor's comments came in a week or so and they are chock full of corrections, excellent suggestions, and things that'll make the whole work that much better. I also got to have a lovely "working lunch" with Lilly and Stefanie and they were, as always, instrumental in providing ideas and inspiration.

I guess what I'm saying is: Time to get this party started. Pink is way underrated don't you think?

The Next Movement

I flip through "Eat, Pray, Love" intermittently; usually while brushing my teeth, waiting for the shower water to heat up, or something similar. See, it's my bathroom book. The only to be read a few pages at a time while I take care of whatever business I need to take care of book. The author, Elizabeth Gilbert, is recently divorced and in need of some major life re-assessment and affirmation. For one year, she sets off to Italy, India, and Indonesia in search of herself without having to worry about obligations, finances (her publisher is paying her in advance for her travelogue), or any other worldy thing.

Basically, Gilbert is doing what we all want to be doing. Which is why I can't get myself to actually sit down and read her book. I mean, really sit down and read it. While the book comes with high recommendations and certainly possesses insights that would probably be beneficial to me, it contains a journey that I hope to make myself this year. I won't be visiting Italy or India if I can help it but this is the year I'd like to travel and explore.

It's a luxury that few can afford nowadays. Who has the time or the money to take a year off and go cavorting around the world -- or cavort period? School, relationships, jobs, leases, obligations. All of these things tie a person's life down don't they? I mean, how utterly selfish and irrational is it to take an entire year off from life without some sort of cataclysmic reason or financial windfall?

My mom tried to have a nice heart-to-heart with me today -- on the heels of a "what are you doing with yourself?!?" two weeks ago. Her main observation and complaint is that I'm falling behind everyone. I'm headed towards a murky future and she's not comfortable with it to say the least. As a friend told me yesterday, I've essentially been a dilettante for so long that it's now surpassed being a character flaw into the realm of amusement and fascination. I'm like a T-Rex in the Age of Mammals. "Shouldn't you have been extinct by now?"

I wonder what people would do if they could have a year carved out just for themselves. Would they holiday? Would they change something fundamental in their lives? Would they hope for a rain check on that freebie year until a later date (and collect interest)? Then again, perhaps it's better to keep trucking and get that year in snatches of vacations, long weekends, and cough cough sick days.

I guess what I'm saying is: Everything ends, but not everything begins. So start something.

Open Sesame

I didn't want to talk about this but the Internet has forced my hand. Late Wednesday night, someone from Illinois was Googling "easy way to hack my girlfriend's match.com password" and guess what he found? Me. That's right. The top destination for him was my blog. I pity the fool.

Imagine this poor boyfriend's mental state. He's sitting at home in the Windy City, probably tearing his heart out after realizing that his name isn't her match.com password He's definitely alone, definitely scared, and a little out of sorts. He wants to have a DTR but isn't man enough to do it so he decides that the best way to figure out what's going on in his relationship is by hacking into her accounts. Being a non-tech savvy guy, David (as we'll call him), turns to the web for answers.

Stop right there.

Should David be punished by the relationship gods for even thinking of hacking into a person's private, but definitely flirty, correspondence with strangers? Is this a relationship no-no?

Heavens no. You do what you can to find out what you need. GI Joe only had it half right; knowing is the battle. Raise your hand if you've thought about looking into your special someone's email, phone logs, text message history, or any such thing? Everyone thinks about it right?

Now keep your hand up if you've actually done it. I'd wager that most people have spied on their significant other in some way, shape, or form. It's not pretty but when your life is on the line, trust plus surveillance is the only way things can stay on the level. I trust you to give me your passwords; in case you were wondering how those two can go hand in hand.

I've developed a few techniques for acquiring passwords from your loved one. Surreptitiously of course. I can't outline them here because I'd rather know who needs this knowledge before I divulge my tips. Just email me for a primer. Trade secrets my son, trade secrets.

Deep Sleep Operative

I've got a friend whose parents fully expect him to take care of them when they get older. Like the whole nine yards. They'll be living with him when they're too frail to take care of themselves. It's a very traditional Chinese thing. When I heard about it though, I was surprised; it had never occurred to me that my parents couldn't take care of themselves. I mean, wait, Mom and Dad won't be taking care of me all my life? What a revelation!

It's hard to come off watching "The Savages" (not to mention "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly") and not think about what you'd like to do with yourself when you're old. Or what your parents would like, I guess.

For the record, I want a Do Not Resuscitate order, I'd like to "keep it" when in doubt, and I'd like to be cremated by a fierce fire that burns as brightly as the Sun. I'm also partial to puddings and parfaits and please don't feed me any mushy eggplants, creamed spinach, or stomach turning blended carrots. Stick to fruit based sauces fortified with vitamins.

And should I change my mind about any of this, I'll be sure to blink twice. Or wiggle a toe or something. Thanks.