soliloquy

abeyance of breath

succeeds when the emptiness

of time and space collide

that tiny pinprick when

the physical repercussions

of mental ineptitude

stings hardest



flashing indicators point

right but i refuse to be incriminated

without the forethought of my fathers

upon which the monument

of hard work and a honest day’s pay

determine together

the service you collect

at the next lifetime



pity strokes in only

one

direction



the mismanagement of

succulence is borne by creative

juices that burst into being like flame

only to land upon concrete

neoprene bouncing back

to strike you

where you least expect it to

your face

two cool sites. a place to anonymously blog. a gathering of faceless blogs. ain't it great? and also, perhaps the coolest site ever. pop culture shock. all about comics, movies, and other supra cool things.



in other news. i did jack shit today. and when i say jack shit, i mean jack shit. the biggest thing i did was put in my contacts in preparation for class. but then after i showered and got all gussied up, i decided not to go. so i just skipped all my classes. haven't done that in awhile. how this is supposed to be good for me i don't know. i promised that i would sit at home and finish my class journals and do my found poem (due today incidentally) but instead i just bummed around and did nothing. it's interesting to look back on the last twelve hours and wonder exactly how the time slid by. heck, forget the past twelve hours, this kind of aimless living happens in weekly increments for me. and now it's late and i've got a pile of dishes, a mess of a room, a headache from computer games, and that fuzzy feeling you get in your eyes when you don't blink enough. maybe i should shower, so i can scrub off all the dirt i've accumulated in my busy day.

hyperbole. what are we searching for? what am i searching for? why read books, talk to people, go to fellowship, engage the mind, what is the purpose? if innocence is bliss, why not remain innocent? knowledge is power and knowing is half the power but at the end of the day, that knowledge has to have some end benefit. it's all fun and games until armageddon.



is the search for truth? too relative. is the search for happiness? too easily attainable and/or too fleeting. enlightenment? too lofty a goal. not to mention too transcendental. what is it that we/i am looking for? everything seems too trite. too common. nothing stands out as "the reason." looking for answers, looking for your niche, looking for anything at all is frustrating when you're not sure what you're looking for.



and to an extent, it's because of that frustration and innate confusion (i don't want to use that word but it's the closest thing i can think of...maybe curiousity would be better) that i'm attracted to religion. not for the religion itself--because i am not a religious person at all--but rather to see how other people cope with these questions. it's terribly interesting to see how a person arrives at conclusions about the nature of light. it's slightly awe-inspiring to see people live according to a set of unwavering beliefs. philosophy and religion are hardly separate in my mind and without academic distinctions, both are really just the search for motivation. religion has, i suppose, more justifications involved but i'll pass on pondering the specific differences for now. i realized, as i sat near the back row of a fellowship, listening to a sermon, singing songs of praise to a god that i don't believe in, that i'm walking on the same road as the religious person. we all are. but, walking in the same direction by no means guarantees walking together. or reaching the same destination.



i'm at this place in life where i'm trying to actively challenge and change things. of course, everyone is at this age. the early twenties are a transitory stage. i'm trying to push it along however. i feel the urge to re-open books that i've already closed and shelved away a long ago. i've decided to pick up an eraser and pore over and correct previously recorded thoughts. i want to challenge all my notions and make sure that i still believe in them, and not just spout things by rote and by habit. everyone should do this every once in awhile. four or five years i say. even less now, when life twists and turns so often.



and what will happen when i feel like i've done enough reconfigurating? where will i be? i won't necessarily have answers, neither will i be happier, nor will i be closer to enlightenment. but at least i'd have done something. i'll have evolved.

um, tastes like a woman. that's what some lady said to me. after walking by and asking for a hit off my mango flavored hookah. just a capper on a very chill but very life affirming weekend. lots of tv movies from the couch (crimson jihad! doucement, do it slowly.) one on one with drew, lucy and cameron. video games up the wazoo. ping pong. freaky david blaine like escaping crabs. food from home, thus allowing me to stick to my $15 weekend budget. attendance (and free food) at the best fifty-five year old birthday party i've ever seen. the married couples were playing a version of the newlywed game and all sorts of hilarious answers ensued. when you ask parental units questions like "what is the most attractive physical feature of your wife?" you don't normally expect staid chinese parents to bust you up with some semi-raunchy humor. i miss parental parties sometimes. watching parents is always a hoot. everyone's a big kid at heart i think.



lots of good conversation too. about all sorts of things. being an asian-american child, religion, poetry, politics, adamantium, the floatation properties of metal. good stuff ya'll. i wish people were paid to converse. like you give a person a quarter each time you learn something from them. then again, that would leave me broke as hell. but hey, that's not so different from now.



i'm leaving you with a snippet of a long poem by harry mathews called "histoire." which for some reason, sums up my weekend perfectly.



tina and seth met in the midst of an overcrowded militarism.

"like a drink?" he asked her. "they make great alexanders over at the marxism-leninism."

she agreed. they shared cocktails. they behaved cautiously, as in a period of pre-fascism.

afterwards he suggested dinner at a restaurant renowed for its maoism.

"ok," she said, but first she had to phone a friend about her ailing afghan, whose name was racism.

then she followed seth across town past twilit alleys of sexism.

while i was fantasy drafting, someone sent me an AIM. but in my rush to click around all my open windows, i denied their request to chat with me. (btw, there is no multi-tasking like trying to fantasy draft and organize and research everyone, all at the same time.) the thought of someone wanting to AIM me from afar, and then getting denied, bothered me. and now they are possibly banned by me. but i didn't mean it! and how do i know who they were? i'm so curious. maybe they were a fan? maybe it was some long lost friend. or just someone's new screen name. will i ever find out? if it was you, please speak up! i didn't diss you on purpose. promise. ah, the pathetic social life of sitting in front of the computer. and if you're reading this, you know what i'm talking about.



i also totally forgot about daylight savings today. obviously, nobody i hang out with has the prescence of mind to realize that we gained an hour today. i'm not sure if i'm proud of that fact or embarassed. either way, i woke up way too early to research for my draft and then sat online trying to figure out why nobody was on time. this is what happens when you have no structure in your life. embrace it.



addendum: how stupid do you have to be to make the same daylight savings mistake twice? real stupid. that's me. i went to this fellowship thing. started at six thirty. i roll up at what i think is seven ten. all late and everything. i get there. not a soul in sight. then the praise leader walks in, i introduce myself and ask "where is everybody?" he looks at me like i'm stupid (which we've already established...i am) and goes, "we don't start for another twenty minutes." *doh* but hey, at least i was on time for two things today, that's original.

so blogger was hacked. for a second, i saw my online life dripping down the drain. as i read about FTP, exposed passwords, inability to access blogger, all sorts of crazy things. my first thought was "how do i save all my stuff?" my second thought was "oh my gosh, i'm going crazy, i'm trying to save my own words for posterity. how gay am i?" luckily, i decided to just wait out the drama and cross my fingers and hope that nothing bad would happen to my corner of the blogiverse. and now, blogger is fine. patched up and ready to go. see, the close your eyes and pray theory works sometimes. not literally pray, but you know what i mean. anyway. it's good to know i was calm and clear in a panic situation. the prospect of all of blogger being comprimised did make me woozy though.



thanks to agent turbo for the timely tip. there's a big invisible medal of honor awaiting you at headquarters.

i don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours

i don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey

hidden in the bottom drawer

i don't want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine

-alanis morrisette, not the doctor-