Day 225

Listening to: Bishop Allen. From Brooklyn by way of Boston. I'm DLing their albums now. Here's two tracks I'm digging: "Butterfly Nets" and "Rain."

Two years ago, at almost exactly around this time, I was filled with an intense sea of enthusiasm, creativity, hope, purpose, and single minded focus/craziness. While I can't say it was a good time in my life, it was definitely useful because words were pouring out of me, I couldn't shut up, and I was excited about everything in life. I wonder if I could induce the same state by depriving myself of sleep again (if that was indeed the cause).

I think it would be tremendously useful, to kick things into overdrive for awhile, to have energy bursting out of me. I felt tremendously alive for the weeks following the incident and I kind of want to feel that again. Given the choice, if there was a drug that could get me there again, I'd highly consider taking it.

I find it odd that the recreational drugs of choice for most people are alcohol and marijuana. They're downers right? They take your energy away? Make you numb? If I were ever to take drugs, I'd only consider hallucinogens or stuff that makes you feel amazing. I guess all drugs are about escapism to an extent but I'd be a lot more interested in drugs that made me more excited and productive, versus ones that drive you into a state of exhaustion and then collapse.

Basically I'd have no qualms about popping some pills to wake up alert and excited and then another pill to drop off into restful sleep. The only drugs I'm on now are Girl Scout cookies and nicotine and neither one of them make me want to touch my computer because my hands are invariably dirty afterwards.

We went to a wedding banquet this weekend. An absurdly typical one, aside from an excellent wedding DJ. The program of events went like this: greet and meet, wait for dinner, small talk once with people around the table, introduction of wedding party, speeches by best man/maiden, parental dance, slide show, tossing of bouquet and garter, wedding cake, and sporadic dancing while looking for a quick exit. It was kind of a yawner. Not a ton of personality all around.

I swear at my wedding (or George's, since I'm nominating myself as her coordinator), nothing will be done just for the sake of doing it. I wonder if everyone has that mentality about their wedding going in. "I want it to be special and different and reflective of our personalities!" And then they end up with this totally normal one that hits all the marks but with no real emotion or specialness anywhere.

The by the books formality of most weddings seems pretty ridiculous to me. I waited around and paid forty grand for this? But to be honest, I don't really have any better ideas at the moment so I shouldn't complain too much. My ideal wedding would be a glorified sleepover and I doubt that would satisfy the ceremonial aspect fully.

In moments when I'm not thinking about much, the thing my mind drifts to is often "What's the point of all this again?" The parallels between the recent wedding and funeral I attended had me thinking that there wasn't much to look forward to. I'd hate to spin the same old song but if there's no future with a lovely wife and spectacular children in the cards, I can't imagine what people are living for. It all ends up as amusement and entertainment doesn't it? Unless you have a Purpose, one that gives you the feeling that you're making a difference. Short of either family or a purpose, what's the point?