mad libs: if you're (blank) then you're (blank). the remarkable success of hard hitting, yet simplistic fare like "he's just not that into you: the no-excuses truth to understanding guys" has inspired me to write my own book. it will be called: "you're in a relationship when..." here's how it works. some people never know if they're in a relationship. there's massive gray areas, there's confusion, there's games, there's shadiness, there's denial, there's never any clarity. well, today, i'm here to give the world a brief primer on when you're in a relationship and when you're not. settle down now.



first off, let's get this out of the way. just because you say you're in a relationship does not mean that you're in a relationship. if you marked "in a relationship" on your friendster profile, that means nothing. unless you got that ring ring, nothing verbal or highly visible will assure anyone that you're in a relationship. oh but then how can you -- or other people -- tell when you're in a relationship? it's easy.



does any of the following apply/happen to you? (i'm doing this from the guy's perspective, but you could reverse the pronouns.)



does your woman get upset when you talk to other girls? do you hesitate to tell your girl what you did last night out of fear that she'll get mad? do you always have phone in hand around that time? do other people always make fun of you and say "how's your girlfriend?" does she get upset when you dance too closely with other chicks? does she get upset when you don't invite her to a movie with other friends? are you hesitant (or overly eager) to have her meet your parents? do you guys get mad at each other over the smallest things? does she demand that you make her feel special? do you fight over who gets the last bite? do you call each other "baby" or "boo-boo?" does she get upset with you when you decide to fly to visit someone else other than her? do you ever have hour long defensive phone calls about what you did, or didn't do, wrong? do you exclusively cuddle/fondle/snuggle/sleep with each other? does everything you see remind you of that special girl? do you go way out of your way for her and then feel bad if you didn't? does she complain that you don't give her enough attention? do you ever feel really shitty the next day? does she get pissed off when you cancel on her for a semi-legitimate reason? do you do any of these things to her?



guess what buddy, you're in a relationship. easy as pie. people are slow to affix the relationship label on themselves nowadays. it's a scary word. relationship. it implies so much. many people would rather shield themselves from what's going on and say that they're in psuedo-relationships, or deny it altogether. and really, my job here is to say to those people......you're in a relationship. it doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship per se. it can be any relationship where one party is clearly expected to treat the other with special care. this can be between same sex friends, between best friends, between almost girlfriends, it may even be between you and your parents. scratch that last one. anyway. what the term "you're in a relationship" means is that "you're in a (binding) relationship (and you're in deep shit if you misstep whether you admit it or not buddy)." that's what that means.



see, the key to defining a relationship is not the words you use, or the boxes you check, but rather the things that affect you and along with that, the consequences of your actions. if you can make them angry at the drop of a hat, you're most likely in a relationship -- rule of thumb.



conversely, you could be going out with someone but if they don't give two shits about what you're doing, guess what? you're not in a relationship. or maybe you're in a relationship but you're not having a relationship. no screw that, that messes up my tagline. if you're not interacting on an affective level, you're not in a relationship. but if you're effected by their phone calls, their presence, their general state of being, their oneness with the you-centric-universe, then yes, you are in a relationship. period, done.



friends are not relationships, friends are friendships. don't confuse the two. friends don't care about more than one of the things listed above. friends could give a flying rat's ass about most of those things actually. with exceptions of course, for ultra needy and rapacious friends. but if a friend has issues with too many of the things listed above, then know that you are in a relationship, not a friendship. keep it straight.



so that's my synopsis and thesis paragraph on this topic. look for the book to drop sometime this century. buy many copies. buy a gazillion copies. i should trademark that phrase right now. "you're in a relationship." by jon yang. when it comes out, this book should be available in the back of your local used bookstore for about a quarter, start saving.