cata-schism (or) mother may i. as i round the first base towards middle age-dom, i've realized that what my mom said is true, "there are haves and then there are have nots." she was referring, of course, to friends and people. her constant worry about me is that i'll be left behind. left behind as my peers finished college, found jobs, invested in 401Ks, got promotions, got careers, got love, got families. she feared that at my current pace of living, i would be left far behind; a distant memory in people's minds of "oh that guy i hung out with when i was younger." i scoffed, i laughed, i laughingly scoffed. "no mom, you don't understand, that would never happen. the world is different nowadays. princes and paupers can co-exist in the same biosphere."



oh what mothers know and what they wish you knew. after five years in the real world i'm happy to report, "yes, there are haves and there are have nots and the life divide will only grow ever wider." slowly i'm learning that age really ain't nothing but a number. and i don't mean that in the r.kelly - michael jackson sense of the word.



before, having a younger person achieve something earlier than you was an anomaly. the kid who skipped a grade, or the high school senior who happened to be in your college class. these minor prodigies were far and few in-between. but as you grow older, the competitive field for early achievement grows larger. the harder they advance, the more you stay behind, the better chance you'll have of being surpassed.



for young adults, nothing is better than being 21-ish. it's like a girl going to college, there's nothing better than being a fresh(wo)man. as you get older and wiser, your pool of guys starts to shrink (due to most girls' aversions to dating younger guys), and the influx of nubile vixens increase. by the time you're a senior female (not to be confused with a female senior), all that's left on campus are the slim pickings offered in the form of fellow seniors -- all of whom are probably only single because they have some fundamental flaw they couldn't shed between sophmore and junior year. this is the way of the twenty-something year old. being pushed along by the tides of time towards something you may or may not be ready for.



it's never going to get better than being 22 or 23. once you hit 27-28, you're staring thirtysomething in the face and wondering why the only things you own are your dignity (the next to go) and a hamper full of dirty laundry. people are buying cars, homes, stocks and you're wondering if toilet paper is really a necessity this week. and even if you have a regular supply of toilet paper and a mortgage, i'm sure there are still things missing from your so called life. oh you got a great job, a house and two cars? bet you don't have a lasting relationship do you? sucker! it's always like this. until you achieve the pentacle (job, house/car, love, friends, happiness) of adult life, you will always be pushing pushing. pushing.



what kind of a life is this? if you are, like me, near the back end of twenty, with no promising future in sight, shouldn't you be panicking? it's crunch time now, you're in the red zone, fuck the fun, get down to business. you've had fun for five years while other people were putting in their time, now is the only chance you'll have to play catch up. if you don't, the great culling will happen at thirty and you'll be turned away from entrance into mature adulthood. there needs to be a lamaze class for the twenty year old -- or better drugs. there is nothing more contracting and constricting than being on the wrong side of twenty five.



so the people who have, why would they want to hang out with the have nots? except as a necessity, a nostalgic moment, or as a break from their own responsible lives? this is my mother's argument. will you sleep on other people's couches your entire life? when people have more than you, they will want to associate with fellow haves. you will be left behind. and nothing at that point can save you. so get cranking now people. because my mom is the soothsayer for our generation and she says age may be nothing but a number, it's definitely now become your enemy.



somehow, somewhere, despite my mom's premonitions, i've misplaced my sense of fear about this impending life gap. where most people suffer from "what will i do anxiety," i just roll right along. this is both a gift and a curse. people marvel at how i can not have anxiety about all of this. i say, "i know lots of open couches." people wonder what i'll do with my life. i say "something." people think thoughts of thirtysomething apprehension, i study it for personal amusement and conversation fodder. now if only i could bottle up this ability to make the important trivial, then i could really be doing something.