hack and slash. i used to have this parlour trick, i used to guess people's ATM numbers and i'd say about ten to twelve percent of the time i was red dead on right. you can imagine the look of shock and awe on a person's face when i spit out their secret password. "wow, you must be reading my mind! how did you do it? you're amazing, sleep with me." i never revealed my secret (or slept with anyone), until now.



most ATM codes are four digits, what four digits do most people end up using in their passwords? yes, their birthdays. if you know somebody's birthday, chances are -- precisely, ten to twelve chances out of a hundred -- that you know their "secret" code. some people cunningly put the year first before the month and day and that totally original tactic sometimes trips me up but usually i know which people(s) are straight forward with their code conception and which prefer to go ass backwards. the people who think/like being tricky are the ones who put the year first, this way they've really created a surefire uncrackable code. idiots, all of them. you know what i use for my (now non-existent) ATM code? yes, somebody else's birthday! am i super saiyan smart or what?



what can you divine from a person's choice of passwords -- aside from the occasional look see through email accounts, access to personal space and a bit of cash? i think you can tell a lot about a person from their cryptological choices. i'm not even sure "cryptological choice" is a correct combination of words but senseless alliteration is just kind of fun isn't it?



having been privy to many blogger passwords in my time as ambassador and the wolf of my immediate blog world, i've seen the inner workings of many of my friends. was it shocking to me to see "knife me" as a password? a little bit. how about the wholesome "ice cream?" not so much. you can tell everything about a person through their passwords. do they have a secret passion or a dirty little secret? it will be revealed to me in their passwords. gene uses the eyes as the windows to the soul so i have decided to use passwords as my barometer of how much i like a person. just kidding, my predilection for liking you isn't based on just one thing; it's actually an entire work sheet slash check list with the organizational complexity of kingdom-phylum-class-order-family-genus-species and the impromptu daring-do of a swashbuckler. sounds like a really bad made for tv movie, i know, but it works fabulously in weeding out the weak.



the main problem with using passwords as insight into a friend is that the majority of passwords are the names of pets. what can i tell about you from your password "fluffy13" aside from the fact that your cat possibly died at the advanced age of thirteen? nothing. pet names don't help me at all but invariably, if you have a pet, you've used him/her as a password. i think movies used this gimmick for awhile, until they realized that it wasn't really a gimmick as much as it was a terribly obvious plot revelation. but tell me that your password is "pretty", "me", or "sperm" and then we have something to talk about. if i were a disciple of freud's, i would be having a field day right now.



other popular passwords seem to relate to cars or nicknames. among the pager code set, pager speak is very popular as a way to throw off the hacker hounds. but i speak pager code so don't think you can maintain security that easily. beware pager people, beware.



helpful computer folk are always telling you to change your password every three months or so. who actually does this? first off, does anybody think that their passwords are protecting anything worth stealing (aside from bank/credit card information)? who the hell would ever want to go into my email account or hack into my ftp server? "oh heavens, this skinny boy is organizing a coup from his bedroom blog, let's take him down." i have maybe three or four passwords that i use for just about everything. the prospect of forgetting a password is much more frightening than accidentally exposing one. oh you can log in to my fantasy sports league? my entire life is ruined! actually, don't do this, you could actually ruin my life, no joke.



passwords are supposed to be remembered (thus the beauty and agony of the process and the over-simplification of the result), otherwise, what's the point? and really now, how many of us have the brain capacity to remember more than five different combinations of letters and random (or not so random) numbers? i say use one master password for everything and let it represent your inner soul glo. otherwise, where's the fun in protecting something? i don't want to break into your secret journal by guessing your birthdate or your favorite drink, make it challenging at least. passwords are (temporarily) private, do something interesting with them. tell me a little something about yourself with your password, make it fun and revelationary for both of us.



ps. do you think some orphans are offended or sad when queried for their mother's maiden name? it must sting just a little bit right? when you have to fill in "i don't know." i mean, does that phrase even fit into the box? or are you pretty much forced to go to drop down choice number two..ta da..."pet's name." somebody should pay me to be an email password cracker, i would be so good at it.



i'm too retarded to be awake right now.