tzu sang-hu, meng tzu-fan, and tzu ch'in-chang were friends. they said to each other: "who can live together without any special effort to live together and help each other without any special effort to help each other?" .....the three looked at each other and smiled, completely understood each other, and thus became friends.

-chuang tzu-

ok so the hows of friends have been written off as undecipherable. the whys of friends has been talked about. now i can do the whats of friends. i've talked on and on about the exchange rate that is in effect for all relationships (excepting a very select few, aka children or family). so i'll skip that in order not to bore you. actually, forget that. if you're reading this, you are no doubt bored. i mean, if you had better things to do, would you (or i for that matter) be here?



the exchange rate inherent in all relationships. when you give to a friend, you receive something back. think about when you first start becoming friends with someone. you don't just take take take or give give give. at least in a healthy relationship. it's more take give take give take give. in a nice systematic pattern. and it has to be somewhat equitable. if you give them a ride, you can expect them to give you a ride sometime. slowly, as your friendship progresses your exchanges can get more hefty. think of it like exchanging emails. you start with a few lines welcoming, you wait for a reply, you send out a longer email, wait for a reply. you don't send off tons of emails to random strangers without responses to encourage you on. if you do do this, i recommend some professional help. and stay the hell away from me. anyway, an email sent out is an email waiting to be responded to. in this way, you can also gauge friendship.



there's also the matter of the type of exchanges you are engaging in. they must be somewhat balanced. you must make sure that what you give and what you receive are enough to make both parties satisfied. even if one party is giving or receiving more, that's okay as long as both people are satisfied. the exchange rate is relative for these types of things. also, we cannot measure satisfaction in terms of simple exchanges of favors and such. there is also the mental, psychological, emotional and physical rewards to consider. friends should not be engaged in a rate of exchange that is unfavorable to either party. if so, cash out and get a new friend because you're getting played playa.

"just as he does not work except in exchange for something of economic value, he also does not give his love, friendship, or esteem except in trade for the pleasure he receives from the virtues of individuals he respects."

and that is enough about exchanging. the other important and interesting thing about the whats of a friendship is that it should take no effort. well not no effort. no "special effort" as quoted above. there should be a certain comfortabilty and naturalness to a friendship. if it is forced or artificial it's not a true friendship. if you have to "make" yourself be friends with someone they are probably more of a responsibilty, a contact, an acquaintance, or a bitch. if you have to make yourself "be there" then that probably kinda sucks, for you and for them. some people aren't good at being there, some people are. friends are people who are "there" when it counts, and i see the truth in that, but i can also disagree.



sometimes i suck at being there. does that make me a poor friend? okay actually, yes. if it's within reason to be there, you should be there. because although i hate to admit it, actions do more often than not, speak louder than words (just not for me cuz i'm special). one doesn't have to expect our friends to run from marathon to athens but if they can be there, they should be. no questions asked. because part of being a friend is also being reliable and counted on. you probably shouldn't have to manipulate your friend into being there. then again, there are some people who are unreliable no matter how much they love you. you just learn to deal with it, or jettison the friendship. your choice.



stuff like returning emails, phone calls, remembering birthdays, all these are minor trivialities. sure it's nice for people to remember them but you have to see how the individual is. too many people give up on friends because they feel they are being ignored. i can see why they feel this way, if they are reaching out and getting nothing in return. but sometimes, people are just flaky. but that's the exception not the rule so we'll skip that. the "what is a friend" point i'm trying to make here is that a friend is whatever you need them to be. combined with what they need you to be. nothing more nothing less. it's easy to get that all twisted though. so i recommend getting friends to sign contracts in blood. that's what i would do if i had any powers of persuasion.



oh, also, friends accept you as what you are. not what you were, or what you should be. but that's pretty basic. if you have to fight who you are versus what you're supposed to be then you've already lost the battle. and you need to tell your friends who you are or stop hanging out with them because you're probably lying to yourself. friends don't have to understand you, they just have to accept you.