don't worry bout a thing ma'am. yesterday, gaga got a flat tire. the first person she called was...me! so in honor of such a momentous occassion i give to you "jon's ingenius way to fix a flat" or "what is there that i can't do?" don't try this at home kids, i'm a professional. first step, receive distress call from damsel in distress. assure her that help will be arriving immediately. go into the boba shop to lay down the info and to recruit help. this step is otherwise known as, get someone who knows what the hell they're doing to come with me. hi jimmy.



take off from boba shop before jimmy does, get to the rescue scene five minutes after he gets there. the car is already partially jacked and the spare ready to go. do i just drive slow or something? jimmy hands me his beads and his watch upon my arrival, probably assuming that i would be well out of harms way, thus able to protect his valuables. little does he know that i'm about to get down and dirty. looking over messy working area, wonder where the hell all my hand sanitizer went. make mental note to always have spare sanitizer in car, not just in man purse.



crouch down next to jimmy and gaga, survey the damage and go "ummm yup, definitely flat." give the deflated tire a good kick just to repeat the obvious again in an action orientated manner. go to my trunk to look for tools to help out. open trunk. peer in. am confused. where are my tools? the aforementioned helpless damsel comes over, yanks on some side opening and shows me my jack and tools. she says, not condescendingly, "oh, your tools are here, for future reference." i say "oh, i knew that." continue to front like i knew where they were the whole time, while thinking internally about the ingenuity and foresight involved in placing useful tools in a little trunk cubby. almost like someone had designed it that way for just such an emergency. marvel at humans and specifically, engineers. grab my tools. impressed by soft plastic packaging and overall stickiness factor of velco fastening. feel like batman as a young boy scout. always prepared with all these cool toys.



get ready for some nut loosening. or perhaps it was a bolt, or a screw, whatever the hell you call it, those round thingies holding the tire to the car. i flex. nothing happens. am not much surprised. vow to never flex again. proceed to push on metal bar wth all my strength. epic struggle ensues. lighting roars, mountains quibble, nuclear bombs detonate. no movement on the loosening front. look up, say to jimmy, "bitch, stop laughing, you do this." am pleased when he can't do it either. must be a tough nut. make stupid roaring noises ala the hulk. regained motivation. still pasty white though. pants still fit too. me and jimmy combine forces like voltron and push/pull together. lend emotional/moral/vocal support to jimmy. nut loosens. celebrate with bad macho man randy savage impersonation. receive "how's it going call" from mere mortal. assure him that all is well, no backup needed. i am after all, a superhero.



while tonto examines the busted tire i raise the car some more using the simple yet highly effective jack. remark on how winding the jack is similar to churning butter. i'm good at winding the jack. i must have been a fabulous butter churner in a previous life. albeit a very small petite, yet blindingly efficient, one. car is raised, spare is affixed. nuts go back in. am careful not to brush myself with filthy hands. i am wearing white. proceed to bathroom to scrub hands. three times. curse myself again for lack of hand sanitizer. yearn for scrumptious and enticing ice cream bar. resist with the help of odin, thor and any lesser gods not preoccupied at the time. step outside, watch gaga fill her spare tire with air. think again about how cool a tire gauge is. maybe i should invest in one. some people carry one in their planners. might be handy. like me.



drive away feeling very manly after saving yet another grateful princess. light up cigarette as reward for massive exertion. dub myself "first (last?) person everyone should call in case of emergency." am pleased with self. continue on merry way to get a butt whooping at basketball. the end.