when the cat's away, the mice will play. many summers ago, we used to go to warner springs, this old people's retreat with no television. what did we do you ask? well, there was horse riding, ping pong, tennis, basketball, a hot springs pool, and general outdoorsy stuff. as many as ten chinese families used to convene at these things every summer and inevitably the kids would be dragged along. at twelve this kind of stuff was semi-boring. but at seventeen, with a chance to rent out bungalows for a weekend with minimal supervision, warner springs is the shit.



invariably, without adults around, kids get rowdy. and you forget how young you look, even at the wise old age of seventeen. one night, during what must have been a eardrum splitting game of hearts or something, a huge banging comes at the door of one of the cabins. this is maybe one or two in the morning, tremendously late by adult human standards. nobody answers the door, instead, the pounding was so fearsome that everyone ran to the corner of the cabin and proceeded to ignore the banging. mind you, there were maybe six guys and six girls inside at this point, what could possibly be that threatening? finally, the smallest youngest guy gets sent to open the door. he opens it and an infuriated adult (no description available, all adults looked the same back then) grabs him and yanks him out onto the doorway. the crazed adult demands to see the parents in charge and then drags our representative over a few cabins to confront "the adults." door opens, it's my mom in her nightgown. the man ignores her and tells her that he wants to speak to a male -- from this action we can surmise that he was a white male, probably in his mid forties. my dad did not come to warner springs this trip so the only male "supervising" is my grandfather. my mom explains to the man that my grandfather is visiting from taiwan and doesn't speak any english, did the man still want to speak to him? at this point the angry man cools down and asks my mom to control the kids and to keep us quiet because heavens, he needs his beauty rest.



my mom, of course, freaks out and locks everyone down and demands that we all go to bed. i wasn't in the cabin during this whole ordeal since me and some of other kids were doing something else outside. all this was related to me after it happened. my mom was so angry with us that she made jimmy (and maybe others) go sleep in her cabin to prevent further outbreaks of noise. when i came back to the cabin and asked why none of the bigger guys had opened the door, i got responses such as "well, such and such a girl jumped on me so i couldn't get up." what were you doing already on the floor to be jumped on anyway jimmy? and what was josh doing? our superstar football stud? he was protecting the girls and the children he said.



the next year, we are again at warner and engaged in a war of water balloons. at one point i pick up one of the chairs (it was plastic duh, like i could've picked up anything else?) and threw it over a low railing. shouts and screams are heard behind us. we have been caught yet again by adults. they are upset at our misuse of community furniture and at the absolute craziness that results in kids throwing water around. "what about the balloon pieces? isn't that littering? and you can't throw the public chairs around like that. who's in charge here? where are your parents?" um, we have no parents, but i'm in charge here. at this point i have a sun-burnt face and two racer stripes shaved into my head from the day before. they demand to see our warner springs ID card and tell us that they will "report us to the authorities." boo hoo. the authorities. adults are so gay. get a life old people.



flash forward to two days ago. gene, will and i are standing outside james' house smoking. an irate middle aged man dressed completely in matching striped pajamas comes storming up the driveway. "do you live here?" um, no actually i don't, did you need something? "i want to speak to your parents, where are the parents of the house?" i go into my rote explanation of "there are no parents here, sorry we're being loud, have a nice night, we'll keep it down, your daughter is kinda hot, is she of age?" anyway, after the diplomatic talks were over, i realized that pretty much since the age of then (seventeen) and now (twenty five), i've yet to pass for an adult. and you wonder why i have trouble fitting into the world of reality and work. if you don't treat me like an adult, i won't ever be one. or was that, if i don't ever act like an adult i won't be treated like one? whatever. adults really need to chill out.

we are not alone. i have found someone who has eerily similar taste in famous women who just happen to be hot. out of his top ten, i'd say i agree with most of them. his top ten go like so. (10) charlize theron (09) uma thurman (08) kirsten dunst (07) elisha cuthbert (06) katie holmes (05) jennifer garner (04) natalie portman (03) kristen kreuk (02) keira knightley (01) scarlett johansson



i'm only in the habit of going top five but if i had to expand the list, this guy has got most of them. my top five go like this (in order): portman, kreuk, holmes, jennifer connelly, eliza dushku. scarlett johansson and keira knightley would certainly make my top ten. i'm bitter over scarlett because i've liked her ever since ghost world before she blew up. she was my "unconventional" hot celebrity, but now she's everyone's "it" girl. bitter bitter. she was mine mine mine!



and obviously, charlize theron (does anyone not think she's beautiful? she's the one person, in my experience, that all males and females agree is beautiful), jennifer garner and elisha cuthbert are gorgeous. although he is very right in saying that elisha is annoying, and i'm not even gonna say only slightly. and garner's fundamental problem is that i've seen her in felicity; i can't shake that mental image, sorry. the only problems i have with this list are at nine and eight, uma and dunst. they are way overrated. i'm sure they're very nice people but really, let's be shallow here, they are not hot.



but still, this guy and i agree on maybe seven out of ten of the hottest women in hollywood. is this not amazing? i thought me and gene had similar taste in barely out of reach celebrities. but now i discover, via the power of the internet, a guy who has almost the exact same taste. do i smell competition here? who will win scarlett or natalie's hand? only time will tell. cue gladiator music.

i've decided to exclusively release my top ten list. yes, a top ten. five more than a top five. that's double the names if you're counting at home. are you ready? do you feel exclusive? you betcha.



(10) keira knightley (09) jessica alba (08) angelina jolie (07) monica belluci (06) eliza dushku (05) katie holmes (04) scarlett johansson (03) jennifer connelly (02) kristen kreuk (01) natalie portman



yes, scarlett has jumped up high, pushing eliza off the top five. and katie holmes has dropped two spots. this is incredible stuff. i feel like my entire life is so different now. wow. i feel like a new man. i feel like you gave up caring about what i had to say twenty seconds/years ago. true?

hugs not drugs. i'm taking a quick poll here. how many people here think they have been emotionally stunted as a result of their upbringing and their non-affectionate parents? i guess i'm speaking mostly from the perspective of an asian family, but i'm sure this can apply to any family. however, certain ethnic families -- usually immigration families -- tend to be somewhat cold and emotionless. how many people barely spoke to their parents growing up? didn't feel loved? didn't know how to express love? didn't get hugs, kisses, slaps on the back? how many people didn't get words of encouragement? only words of rebuke and questions about life updates? how many people aren't even sure if one or both parents even wanted them?



what might this treatment translate into for a young adult? first off, maybe you don't know how to be close to people. your parents always held you at arm's length, so you hold people important in your life at arm's length. there is a phenomenon nowadays of people who aren't dramatically "i don't feel close to anyone" but still exhibiting the same sentiments. these people have a wall up and can't really connect with anyone on a really deep level. they feel like nobody knows the real them, or they are afraid to expose the real them. in old movies in the 80s this might have been categorized as the tough guy who finally breaks down once he realizes the power of love. in our subsequent savvier days, these people are able to function fine, but they withhold a part of themselves from human contact.



endless amounts of friends have remarked to me that "i don't know how to tell someone i care about them." i feel like i may have this minor affliction also. i just assume that people who i really care about just know. how? i dunno, they should just figure it out. but i've had a few conversations in my day about where someone's friendship stood in relation to my life. i'm always surprised because i thought i made it startling obvious that this person was one of my best friends. it made me think, "am i not conveying my feelings for people enough? am i giving them the impression that i don't value them?" many of my fine feathered friends also suffer from this problem. they sometimes have no problem telling others how much they care about someone, they just can't tell that particular person. is this due to affectionless parents? you tell me.



i know some people who cringe at the thought of a hug. where does this come from? sure people aren't all huggy and certain people just don't like body contact but can this be attributed to cultural traditions and more specifically, the inability of asian parents to hug or express affection? i know people who position themselves precisely so that they can avoid goodbye and hello hugs. ludicrous i know. but it's true, not everyone likes hugs. sometimes i can see the fear in someone's eye(s) as they are about to be hugged. is this somehow related to non-huggy parents? i bet it is.



what other emotional stunting have people suffered under the harsh totalitarian rule of their parents? i will find out. i'm on the case, don't worry. the best anecdotes will be duly shared and distributed. feel free to um, send me anecdotes. thanks. oh, and spare me the happy stories about how your parents hugged you a lot and showed you endless amounts of love and support. we're not interested in those tales. save that shit for oprah.

i lean toward my interpretations out of respect for the fact that people rarely change, and when they do, they tend to do it for themselves. unromantic, yes -- and cheerfully so. the notion that lovers can change each other, or for each other, or even should, best dwells under six feet of dirt.

-miss manners-



the notion that anyone can change anyone is outdated. when was the last time you saw someone change another person? never i say. all change that is made for someone else's benefit is fake change. the only real change is from the inside. but then, what about those people who say "well, i changed for them but i wanted to do it." bullshit. i disagree with this. all the changes that you induce in yourself should come from only selfish impulses. wait, contradiction coming. what if you want to make your wife happy (a selfish impulse) and by doing so you must give up something you really like? is that a selfish impulse (make wife happy) or an unselfish impulse (give up something for someone else)? i'd say that this type of change is not "change" at all. welcome to the world of compromise. that's the buzzword as you approach marriage age: compromise. learn it, love it, live it. but don't confuse it with actual change.



can friends change you? they can certainly influence you, but can they really change you? i doubt it. friends are people who are usually just as lost as you are, why let them change you when you haven't reached that conclusion yourself? as badly as you may want a friend to "learn" or to change some aspect of themselves, you can't rush it or force it. you can however, leave them on the wayside and off the cell phone roster.



the problem though, is that you can't do this in a relationship. or rather, you can but it's much harder. you've already worked this hard to find someone who likes you, the prospect of cutting the cord because of some minor disagreements seem too harsh. most people are incapable of accepting a significant other just as they are and want also what they have the potential to be. and so, you want to take a bit of the good and change a bit of the bad. sorry hon, this doesn't happen. i've yet to see solid evidence of any change that has occured as a result of true love.



i also think "change" is a term that should be reserved for conscious change. subconscious change just happens, it doesn't qualify in my book. you may naturally progress out of certain stages of your life and thus become different, but to "change" is to provide thought, fuel and effort.

it is hard for an empty sack to stand upright. i'm a big believer in the idea that some people are just idiots. i know, you may not agree with me. "everyone has some redeeming value!" actually, in my experience, some people have no redeeming value at all. i am not advocating the tar and feathering of these unredeemable people, i'm just saying that not all men are created equal. we should be treated equally as far as laws, justice and freedoms are concerned, but when it comes to opinions and brains, nothing is equal.



some people are under the impression that all opinions matter. if you have three people talking about something, three distinct opinions should be taken into account and respected. however, the rule i go by is not that "everyone matters" but rather "everyone matters only if they know what they are talking about." i'm quick to pass judgement on someone's opinions and to dismiss them as foolhardy or unworthy of (intellectual) respect. for example, someone might say "my favorite color is ." bam, sorry, wrong answer, gone, go home, you know nothing about colors. i would never again ask you for color advice, like ever. this in no way implies that you are worthless as a person, just that your color schemes and mine will clash violently. and i don't mean that metaphorically.



here's another example. if you say facts that are blatantly not facts, thereby posterizing as a fact poser, i will disregard anything else that might come out of your mouth on the topic. "i think simbabywei is pretty cold during the summer, due to its position in the northern hemisphere." whatever you might say about geography or the weather will forever be suspect in my eyes. i would also question your spelling and pronounciation of "zimbabwe." see how this works?



everyone has an opinion, not everyone has a worthwhile or valid opinion. you know this, i know this. but sometimes people try to pretend this isn't true. we are the world and all that. forget it. some people just have no idea what they are talking about. these people can be placated by a simple nodding of the head and talking over, under and through them. it's also helpful to remember what was said by this person, in order to pass along the story to your friends so that you can all laugh at how ridiculous a thought he/she had that penguins could actually fly.



class dismissed.

oh, ricky, you're so fine. you're so fine you blow my mind. ricky williams, one of the most talented running backs in the league has retired at the age of twenty seven -- after two record setting years with the miami dolphins. like barry sanders, ricky leaves in his prime and kills his team's chances of becoming a winning football team. more importantly, ricky williams' retirement has killed my chances of winning a fantasy football championship.



let me tell you, it hurts. my roster is stocked with has-beens and nobodies. two years ago i was the champion, now i'm on the floor (literally) looking up. somewhere a higher power is laughing at me, giggling at me and stomping over my life. i was so excited to draft this year, now i'm crushed. you could've told me a girl thought i physically most resembled a hairless babboon and i wouldn't have cared half this much. i mean, girls diss me all the time, i'm used to it. but losing my franchise player in a keeper league? oh the tears and the heartache.



professional athletes retiring in their prime is becoming en vogue these days. jim brown the great did it, the aforementioned barry sanders did it, many football players have done it. usually running backs for some reason. robert smith left after a career season in 2000 and has never looked back. michael jordan did it in basketball, sort of. it's something kind of to be respected; to leave at your very best, knowing that you don't want to suffer through the indignity of a torturous career slide. there's something to be said about a man who can step away from the game that he's played since he was a kid. there's something to be said about a man who can walk away from millions of dollars just because his heart isn't in it anymore, or if the game no longer provides him any challenges. there's something to be said for these people: stupid stupid stupid.



do you know how many of us would die to play professional sports? but we aren't all athletically blessed so fantasy is our chance. why ruin it for us by cutting short your careers? why ruin it for me? do you know how little i have to look forward to every day? do you know what it's like to be dominated on the field of reality, but yet go home smiling because you know you coulda whooped that man on nintendo or via mathematics? do you know what i'm talking about barry sanders? do you know what i'm talking michael jordan? do you know what i'm talking ricky williams? you feeling me? obviously not. have fun traveling in asia ricky. i hope you catch SARS.



if ricky decides to un-retire, i take all this back and will make banners that read "run ricky run!"