over time, you have those inhibitions beat out of you (not literally) and you become capable of approaching anyone to ask a quick question or two. i figure it's the same sort of process for public speaking. you won't do it, you're afraid of it, then you do it a few times and you realize it's no big deal. strangely, it's been the reverse for me.
i was totally accustomed to public speaking when i was younger; even going so far as to voluntarily subject myself to annual speeches for chinese school. i think when you're young, you have so many recitals, little show-and-tells, and moments of psuedo-embarassment that you just gain a fearlessness. growing up is all about being told to do things. if you're told to go speak in front of the class, you do it. if you're told to go grab your flute to perform, you do it.
then you get older, and wiser. you realize that not everyone will be clapping after you get off-stage, or that your audience isn't automatically friendly or receptive. it dawns on you that it's your job to win people over. you start to see the bored expressions on people's faces. the yawns that tear you apart and make you wonder. public speaking becomes a challenge; and the fear returns.
aside from business meetings or being the best man at a wedding, how many of us have the occassion to participate in public speaking? for most of us, never. so when you have to do it, it's this big fear of "can i do it? won't i look like a fool? do i know what i'm talking about?" again, it just takes practice. you do fifty speeches and you'll become a pro. the problem is, who the hell does fifty speeches?
i've had occassion to speak in front of semi-sized crowds. whether it's just a gathering of volunteers for a culture show, a small library talk about blogging, being on tv for a split second, my dad's funeral, playing the flute for all i'm worth, whatever. each time it's like the only way i can do it is to totally disengage from who i am...
i wait for speech jon to take over. and invariably, the stumbly, hand waving speech jon does take over. it all happens so fast; you're just kind of going along, saying whatever it is you planned to say, and nanoseconds later you're done. stage time is like time travel, ten minutes passes in what seems like five seconds. well, that's fucking great right? just wind up speech jon when i need him and let him go.
the problem however, is that while speech jon is in effect and operating, normal jon is still there. he's watching from the sidelines and evaluating everything. and when speech jon and normal jon has to mind meld for a brief moment, both are knocked out and i'm left bereft of thought.
i wish i could be both normal jon and speech jon at the same time, without having to separate the two. i wish i could stay casual and relaxed like normal jon while doing what speech jon is programmed to do. but i can't. i need to practice telling ideas to other people. i can do it quite well in my own head, but then when i try to explain something to someone, everything seems to get lost in translation. i've been noticing that i do this even when trying to explain a movie, or why i liked a particular book, or something as mundane as that. it's a skill, speech making; transmitting an organized, concise idea to someone else.
it's something i always wish i had. it's not stage fright as much as just general ineptness. if i could stand in front of people and "perform," i could be a slam poet, a (public) karaoke participant, an edcuator, a motivator, a show off, a star.
"yeah, it's sad, believe me, missy, when you're born to be a sissy
without the vim and verve.
but i could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess
if i only had the nerve.
i'm afraid there's no denyin' i'm just a dandelion,
a fate i don't deserve."
-the cowardly lion-
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