such great heights. it's well documented. i hate roller coasters. sure, i've been on many of them. i've been to magic mountain twice, both times against my will. i've ridden most of the rides there and i hate them all. about the only thing i can handle is disneyland. and even there, some of the rides make me hesitate a little bit. see, i hate steep drops. so even splash mountain, as mundane of a ride as there is in this day and age, can give me the heebie-jeebies. when we were little, i would sit around on the bench with a consenting adult while george went on the ride. yeah, i was that kid. however, since then, i've conquered my fear(s) of disneyland. i can say with great confidence that any disneyland ride is okay with me. bring on the matterhorn, bring on pirates, bring on the teacups and bring on the singing menagerie at splash mountain, i can handle it all. plus i love space mountain, because i can handle rides where i can't see the track. it's weird, i know.

anyway, even though i've been on my fair share of roller coasters, i'm still not convinced they're fun. i go and try to get it over with but at no point am i like "wow, this is great, let's do it again!" i've developed a few defensive moves to counter my fear of rides. i suck air into my stomach to prevent the drop feeling from being worse. i grip the side of the car and refuse to put my arms above my head. i don't scream because i'm pushing air into my stomach. yeah, it's not very manly but hey, why pretend to be something you're not?

anything that corkscrews, swirls, leaves you hanging upside down, or offers immense drops i'm against. the worst ride ever? those superman rides where you slowly take an elevator up, building the anticipation, and then drop ten stories to the ground. i've been on that kind of ride once -- which was one time too many for my tastes. i almost pee-ed in my pants. heck, i probably did but i'm not going to admit to it publicly. those rides are the worst. how is this stuff fun?

i try to rationalize away any fear of roller coasters but in the end, why bother? i don't like them. they don't like me. they can be as safe as all get out but i'm not fond of heights, speed, or drops so why would i like roller coasters? why must i be ostracized by the adult community because of my dislike? it's not like i haven't done it before, or that i'm a big party pooper about it. i go on the damn ride when everyone else goes. see? i'm not a big baby alright? sheesh.