geeks, nerds, and dorks. the dictionary definition for these three terms all center around words like “foolish, inept, stupid, unattractive, socially stunted.” while these descriptions may have been all true at one time or another, these terms need to be updated for the twenty first century.

a geek is someone who is really into technology, gadgets, and computers – including videogames, but real geek videogames, not sports or halo or popular stuff like that. geeks know not only what your device does, but also how it works. geeks might have once been the laughingstock of society, but we all know that geeks now beat out hunks any day of the week. now that thick black eyeglasses have come (and gone) into fashion, now that every third grader walks around with an ipod and a pda, “geeks” as we once defined them are nearly extinct. if you are hip with technology, you are a geek. and that’s not a bad thing. in fact, if you are man enough to set up the dvr or the tivo, that can make a girl swoon and lust for you, albeit momentarily. geeks nowadays are on equal footing with jocks -- well, once they get out of high school. geeks rule the planet and they have assimilated the rest of humankind through the cunning implementation of electronic things we can’t live without.

an alternative definition for the new geek is someone who is really into one particular subject, not just something technology related. you can be a guitar geek, a photography geek, a chess geek. geek is the new term for someone who is really really into something.

of course, the new classification of “uber-geek,” the ones who can’t talk to anything non-digital or non-glowing, are still shunned by all. they might be the brains behind our appliances and our spaceship dreams but damn it all to hell if we’re gonna have to hang out with them while they’re doing it. hire a geek for your company, just forget to invite him to the company parties.

a nerd is someone who is typically bookish, socially awkward, and did well in school. nerds are long on the brains, but light in the social calendar. classic nerds banded together to do weird things like study and play two person board games while the normal kids went out to get fake drunk on strawberry wine cooler and play “just the tip.” nerds are also a dying breed as people are realizing that it’s cool to be both smart and drunk simultaneously. the true nerd is rarely seen these days as all “smart” people tend to overcompensate by making asses out of themselves at your local bar; proving that yes, brains really don’t matter. it’s getting increasingly harder these days to tell between the dumb drunks and the smart drunks, if such a difference ever truly existed. is it even a shock anymore to find out that the idiot who was slurring his words and pissing on himself last night was voted “most likely to succeed” by his law school classmates? no, not really.

the nerd population is in steep decline as society continues to push even the most studious of people to get out once in awhile. i've heard rumors that even ivy leaguers indulge in the occassional zima or two. caring about your grades and your alcohol tolerance are no longer mutually exclusive. it’s almost obsolete to call someone a nerd when terms such as “homebody,” “boring,” and “weird” are so much more descriptive – and appropriate.

i feel like the genocide of classic geeks and classic nerds has really been pushed along by the invention of the internet, and more specifically, aim. even the nerdiest of nerds and the geekiest of geeks can have a social life on the internet right? if you can’t be social on aim you pretty much should just give up and lose the will to live. if you can’t type and pretend to carry on a conversation for five minutes, you are truly a lost cause. you have the entire world wide web at your disposal to come up with something to say, and you still can’t do it? dork.

keep in mind who invented the internet in the first place. that's right, some combination of nerds and geeks, all of whom were obviously looking for a way to break out of their social shells. before the internet, geeks and nerds couldn't learn the nuances of being social unless they actually tried it or watched lots of tv. now they can google for what the "right thing to say/do" is before they field test it. "geeks + nerds = internet = aim = social life for everyone." check the math. who had more to gain from the invention of the internet? geeks/nerds or the (relatively) normal people who now use it to haunt myspace? exactly.

dork still pretty much means the same thing it always did. a dork is a loser. nobody wants to hang out with a dork. the dork brings no technology or brainy skills to the table. getting labeled (correctly) as a dork is pretty much irrefutable evidence that you have no chance at a normal social life. dorks don’t even band together to do things with each other. when was the last time you looked at a group of people and said “oh, look at those dorks over there, look at them doing those dorky things dorks do.” dorks don’t really do anything, they’re just dorks. geeks and nerds band together for (faux) acceptance and safety, dorks just hang around and try not to get run over by the tonka trucks of life.

realize that the way “dork” is often used in our vernacular is not an accurate description of what a dork actually is. you probably call your friends and siblings dorks, but i doubt they are really dorks. a true dork wouldn’t even warrant you calling them anything to their face. a dork is just…i dunno, a dork.

these are not the end all be all of the definitions for these three terms. i’ve only given these new definitions a night’s thought so maybe with the light of dawn i’ll realize that i’m terribly mistaken. however, i think what i’ve suggested here should be a good guideline for accurately defining the people around us/you.