we, the chinese delegation select the GZA, the RZA, and the ghostface killa...the wu tang clan! flipping through the cable guide a few weeks ago, i came across a channel marked "AZN." i passed over it thinking it was just an unfortunate acronym, after all, would there actually be an asian channel that was monikered AZN? that's like a bad joke. however, much to my chagrin, the AZN channel touts itself as "the network for asian america."

heavens (and ancestors), a television channel dedicated to asian americans? one that doesn't involve terrible accents and subtitles? well actually, subtitles and terrible accents are in abundance on the AZN channel. but you know what i mean. the AZN channel is no international channel at least.

then i did some research. in fact, the i-channel has cunningly rebranded itself into the AZN channel -- first generation asian parents and grandparents must have collapsed as their favorite channel suddenly morphed into a mtv knock-off. this shift in branding and philosophy must explain why this peculiar channel appears on my cable subscription package. i mean, there's no way i willingly agreed to have asian americans lurking on my tv at all times right?

looking at it one way, the fact that there's now a channel dedicated to asian americans is kind of a coup and a step forward for APAs everywhere. finally, we have landed on planet america and have legitimized our coolness with a television channel that will soon rival BET for trend setting and late night viewing. on the other hand, everyone knows that the word "AZN" brings up the worst sort of connotations about asian americans. azns are into import cars, not smiling, repping fake gangster cred, and alternating capped letters when they type. self-respecting asians squirm at the sight of the letters a-z-n.

but so be it. we have an azn channel, let's see what we can do with it -- and how many people will watch. my initial forays into the land of the azn were unsuccessful. nothing captured my attention. then today i caught a documentary about the vietnamese-american experience, a show about tracing family trees, and the clincher: a show about yao ming in the nba. i was hooked. i found myself thinking that maybe with a little bit of work, the AZN channel could really be something. maybe i could volunteer, maybe i could make films, maybe i could host a show or something. i mean, i'm asian right?

then i saw the ads pushing uncensored anime as a selling point to watching the AZN channel. we're using our one mass media outlet to push animated porn? what? maybe the yellow peril-L isn't quite ready for the big time. i somehow don't think that the target audience of non-asians watching the AZN channel should be repressed men of all ages, sizes, and ethnicities. for god's sake, at least show real life seductive oriental women, that seems to work for hollywood.

then again, how else would i get to watch documentaries about the asian immigrant experience except on the AZN channel? now that ang lee has totally forsaken us by making a gay cowboy movie (not to mention a crappy comic book movie), don't we need to sow some other azn oats? i've decided to tentatively become a fan of the AZN channel in the hopes that the programming will get richer, and that one day, "AZN" will no longer be a derogatory term. i'll be sure to skip the anime programming though.

i'm saying,
let's give them
the melting pot
america's always talked about,
and watch hair get darker,
eyes get smaller,
and everyone fuck
that much better.
-beau sia, the asians are coming-