so sowwy. i used to try to explain to my white friend why there's this seemingly intangible bond between asian american kids. at the time, i broke it down to similar parental attitudes about child-rearing. a few assumptions i could make when talking to a fellow asian american kid. one, their parents were strict and highly concerned about the state of their education. two, they had parents/grandparents who spoke poor english. three, they brought weird lunches to school. four, they were not cool and were in fact dorky and nerdy. five, they were shy at a young age. six, they played an instrument.

these handful of assumptions about fellow asians were enough to establish a familial bond with any dark haired brethren i might meet. of course, as my world widened, i started to encounter asian kids who didn't have strict parents, whose parents actually spoke perfect english, kids who played and starred in school sports (besides badminton or ping pong), kids who sucked as much in math as i did. i met kids who, god forbid, didn't ever take piano or violin lessons. i must confess, these types of asians confused me. the japanese americans especially. because japanese americans have typically resided in the united states longer than the other asian ethnicities, one could call a japanese friend's house and be greeted with perfect english on the other line. it was most confusing.

my perfectly constructed asian world was falling apart.

then i went to college and met asians who didn't speak their native tongue. like at all. "wait, you think you know how to write your chinese name? what?!" i met asians who didn't grow up around other asians. they grew up fitting in perfectly with their non-asian friends and then went to college and magically got asian-fied. it was a very exciting time for them i'm sure; to be able to loiter in front of restaurants and stand around on random street corners with people who looked just like them. how thrilling those moments must have been.

i started to realize that yes, asians didn't just come in one stereotype. there were many of us, and some of us had childhoods that were not reflective of the typical immigrant experience. there were asian households that focused on well rounded social lives and not just grades? it sounds ridiculous but it's true. i don't think i had any asian friends in middle or high school who were allowed to stay out past five pm on a week day, there was always homework and kumon to do afterall.

all of this ethnic revelation did quite a number on what i had previously thought bonded asians americans together. if it wasn't about parents or the piano, what was it that made us asian? i came to food as my next final answer. food was what made us asian. being able to eat foods that everyone could identify at a glance without curious eyebrow raises was what bonded asians together.

this theory was put to the test as i wandered confusingly through the world of kimchee, lumpia, and pho. surely this was what set me apart as chinese. i never had kimchee, lumpia, or pho before college. just like i had no (close) korean, filipino, or vietnamese friends. this theory meshed perfectly with the world i knew, since i knew nothing about persian, indian, or even white people foods. meatloaf? casserole? what's that? i had no persian, indian, or non-jewish regular white people friends in high school either. the food theory was a success.

but it bothered me that what makes us asian (or any ethnicity) is apparently just food. i mean, i don't want to be defined by dim sum, i hate dim sum. plus this theory also opened the door for other people to "buy into asian-ness" by simply ingesting our culture. food was too simple of an answer and totally unacceptable to me as the reason for asians being asian.

so, stripping away language, food, childhood experiences and everything else mentioned above, what makes an asian american an asian? the answer? nothing really. just our slanty eyes and black hair. so it is all skin deep. depressing isn't it?

and really, how to explain that i'm more comfortable meeting an asian person as opposed to a non-asian? am i subconsciously inclined to be comfortable because maybe we will have foods, language, english-challenged parents in common? i doubt it right? if i walk into a white bar that serves chinese food and everyone there had strict parents, wore thick glasses, played the piano, would that make me comfortable? or just scared? and why am i automaticaly more comfortable walking into an asian club where i probably have nothing in common with anyone, except the fact that we're asian? maybe it's just because i hang out with mostly asians so that when i meet other asians, that sets up a comfort zone? this way, it has nothing to do with ethnic math at all, it's more about what you're used to. yes, i'll go with this one: "asians, we're used to each other."