disclosure, remorse, and accountability (or) the curious incident of the missing burrito. sometimes in life, even when you try your best to avoid it, you come face to face with a moral dilemma. those that know me personally know that i am a man of no great honor. i squeal, i shy away from responsibility, i sell friends/family/pets down rivers, i accept no baggage that i cannot quickly shed or pawn off to another. i lie, i cheat, i swindle, i forget, i fake injury, i place blame on others. nothing of which is very admirable but let me assure you that it's always necessary.

but sometimes, a man's gotta step up for his actions. that day, for me, was today. my boss, out of the kindness of his heart, got us all burritos for lunch. the sign up sheet went around two days ago, conveniently missing me. so today, i get back from my friendly game of lunch poker (conducted under the watchful eye of the nearby FBI building) and look in the burrito box. all the burritos have names on them, except for one. this lovely lady was marked "spare." so i took it, figuring there must have been a few extra burritos flying around and that i must have been accounted for even if i hadn't specifically ordered anything.

lo and behold, the search for the spare burrito begins as soon as i take my second bite. my boss is on the warpath, thinking someone from another department took the burrito, or that someone took more than their allotment of burrito. my first instinct was to chew chew chew and throw away the evidence. my second instinct was to confess. that instinct was summarily suppressed by my mouthful of first instinct. i had no choice, i had to continue eating and toss the wrapper away as soon as possible. burrito? what burrito?

but then my boss kept getting more upset. he was swearing, he was sherlock holmes-ing, he was sending out emails looking for the culprit. my mouth burned with corn and chipotle sauce, as well as a fast settling sense of guilt.

"if anyone took the burrito marked spare it wasn't for you. please return it if you haven't eaten it yet.

this really sucks. i go out and buy everyone lunch and then someone takes one that isn't their own. everyone who wanted one should have gotten one and there should have been no need for someone to take one.

if it doesn't turn up this is the last time i do this for you guys. weak."

my inner spike lee said "do the right thing." my inner jon yang said "cower fool, cower." in situations like these, you have to weigh the consequences -- getting caught lying for a preposterous reason and never getting free food from work again -- versus the rewards -- nobody would know what i did, mum's the word and i have a full belly. guilt is not a factor in the equation, guilt is for sissies.

normally i would have just walked away and tried to play if off as if i wasn't the guilty party. aside from my bean breath and dishonest chinky eyes, how would anyone have known that i had taken the burrito? but since it was an honest mistake, i felt like i should try to be accountable in my work place. so, i made like usher and confessed.

yes, go me. the consequences of my confession were nothing really. no flaying, no iron maiden, no time outs in a corner, no pay cut, no meetings, no harsh words. just forgiveness and "thanks for telling me." if only all confessions ended on such happy notes. somehow i don't think that "by the way, i totally cheated on you yesterday" would garner the same uplifting result. but emboldened by my once a decade come clean and tell the truth moment, i may just try this honesty thing again sometime.

now that's just crazy talk.