the new moon rode high in the crown of the metropolis. i don't feel anything. at all. i don't feel when i'm supposed to. i don't cry when i should. i don't care when it's necessary. but i flinch when poked. there's nothing there. just thoughts. about this world trade thing. about this nine-eleven thing. about lots of things. i was there but i feel so removed from it. i feel removed from all the mourning, all the nice things being said, all the memorials, the moments of silence, the pre-contrived and re-contrived thoughts and emotions. i don't really want any part of it. i'm trying to listen to my sports radio and people are talking about getting angry again, hoping that this day--one year later-- would "renew our vigor" for retaliation.



they didn't know who they messed with (as we also didn't know who we messed with). the slumbering dragon awoke and now she's spitting fire. i remember being pretty damn convinced that something was going to happen on the twelfth. but nothing did. and everything just faded into the background. events like this are too clean. what's the difference between christmas and nine-eleven? less presents? more silence? there's a difference, i know, there's a lot of differences. but sometimes, it feels like it'll just come and go as a yearly ritual, for the rest of the national lifetime. and we will talk about the three thousand deaths forever and ever. like japanese internment camps. and he-man. "jfk blown away, what more do you have to say?" perhaps it would be different if i knew somebody who died during the attacks. isn't that horrid? that being actually one mile away from the WTC wasn't enough? that it wasn't quite disaster because everyone i know was okay?



but it's been a big year for deaths. and for tragedy. and yet my sense of mortality remains the same. isn't that slightly wrong? and it's not really about "dealing with it in your own way." it's about straight feeling it. and not dealing. people die. planes fly. *clippity clop clippity clop* well, the one thing i know is that "to protect and to serve" is awe-inspiring and i could never put myself out like that. for any reason. or maybe, perhaps, i'll be heroic when needed. who knows. adrenaline can do weird things.