Day 112

I've had a few conversations recently with some guy friends about our lack of older male role models. (Very) generally speaking, most of the guys I know love and respect their fathers but don't necessarily look up to them. I chalk this up to the big generational gap between Chinese kids and their parents. From an early age, you sort of gain this awareness that while your father is definitely an authoritative figure and brings bread to the table, he is also lacking in certain areas. For example, the classic Asian father is uncommunicative, never shows their emotions, and is generally just around. There's a huge world of difference between the traditional father-son relationship in say, Caucasian families, and many ethnic families. I don't know how to put it into words exactly but I think you know what I mean.

So we grow up a generation of fatherless sons. We don't want to be like our fathers, because we see them as either (a) out of touch or (b) leading a life that we'd never want to, and we generally don't have other male role models. Some people might find an uncle or a church leader or a professor or something to look up to and emulate, but generally speaking, we're alone and unguided, probably mostly due to our dismissive attitudes of our fathers, but also because they might just be lacking in that sense.

When I get asked now what I miss about my dad, I think the answer nowadays is that I feel like he was on the precipice of passing on his wisdom and adult knowledge. At twenty two, I was starting to get old enough to not be a kid anymore and I think he had been waiting to take me into his world and to start treating me as a (young) man. That or he was just getting worried about my I was floundering and had to reach out. Either way, the things that I wonder now are what he might have wanted to pass down to me.

My father wasn't unemotional or uncommunicative but he definitely picked and chose his spots. I remember specific moments when he'd pull me aside to say "I'm proud of you, I like how you handled that, etc." but overall we were hardly in conversations that evaluated my life decisions or in spaces where he pushed advice on me. I think he was waiting for me to figure out what I was looking for (because maybe that's what he'd done) and then to step in and guide me when I truly needed him or was old enough to accept guidance.

So that's what I guess I don't know. What he would have counseled me about career, relationships, happiness, mistakes, and life. I mean, I think I can kind of extrapolate if I think really hard about it, or try to gather an idea of him and think about what he might have said, but that would probably mostly be way off the mark. Even worse, I'm more sad at the idea that I won't get to ask him about why he did and what he did.

So I'm not sure if that counts as missing him. I equate missing with the past, sort of. So I think what I'm missing more is the relationship that would have grown out of him being around for my twenties, and it's hard not to think about what would have been different, if anything, if nothing.

We were at a Chinese dinner party this past weekend and over dinner we were listening to one of our old family friends pontificate about life. This uncle has known us since we were teenagers and has three sons of his own (all older than us). I asked him lots of questions about if he was ever worried about them, what he had worried about, and what sorts of advice he gave to them, or if they had ever come to him for advice. That led him to talk about these sorts of things for over an hour and a half with us, a rapt audience of four, aged thirty to sixteen.

I've had this sort of "lecture" before but in recent years, I drink this shit up. I don't necessarily agree with the message or hear anything particularly different from the various uncles, but I'll sit there and listen all day. I crave that nugget of wisdom that might pierce through the storytelling and the jokes. I'm digging around for anything that fathers might tell sons, perhaps in some hope that I'll grab some insight that way.

While I can't say I'll necessarily take the advice and implement it, any more than I would have earlier, I'm all ears and so much more open to this idea of seeking older male role models, if only to fill this void that I'm sure I have and I'm beginning to suspect that filling this hole might be useful and important in further growth as an adult.

Luckily, it's the holidays and we're slated for Chinese dinner after Chinese dinner. I've got to remember to pack a notebook.

Know Thyself

Listening to: Paul Tiernan, "How to Say Good Bye."

I spent most of the afternoon organizing my Google Reader, trying to figure out what I'd like to read every day versus crap that just crosses my desk. I considered cleaning up my del.icio.us too but that seemed pointless because I rarely reference it. Basically I'm trying to streamline my Internet time heading into 2009. Hours and hours spent online would better be used writing, or at least, reading. I've found that being back home, sitting in my preferred chair, enables me to not budge for five or six hours at a time. While my little desk at George's house was nice, it wasn't quite as comfortable as my setup here. It's been two days and I'm already back to my standard San Diego routine. Up at two, sleep at dawn, accomplish nothing. Yup, I'm definitely home.

So Leslie sent me an interesting article today about how watching rom-coms (romantic comedies) can spoil your love life. Fascinating that they do studies on this sort of thing. I should have gone into social anthropology or something, I could design these types of experiments all day.

It's hard to argue that these movies don't create unrealistic expectations for your real life but the article doesn't go into enoough depth anywhere to back it up with solid evidence. I mean, one of the parts of the study they mentioned was having students watch Serendipity versus a David Lynch movie. Of course the students watching John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale were more likely to believe in fate. Shit, it's fucking John Cusack/Lloyd Dobler! Plus the only thing people usually feel after watching a Lynch film is confused, and not just about love.

A quote from one of the researchers: "Films do capture the excitement of new relationships but they also wrongly suggest that trust and committed love exist from the moment people meet, whereas these are qualities that normally take years to develop." What I take from this is that movies can give us this idea that amazing relationships can spring forth from a singular, instantaneous, moment of chemistry. If that's what they're arguing, that movies have fucked with our perceptions of the beginning and end of relationships (from magical circumstance to happily ever after), I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm a victim.

I mean, I've long treasured my Before Sunrise moments and have almost consciously made that part of my relationship (and friendship) pattern. But maybe there is something to the idea that trust and commitment can't be built off one weekend's sparkle. I don't know though. I'd like to equate love to religion and if you want to trust and commit to someone, you just do it, damn the torpedoes. Faith as it's called. And it's so much more romantic that way, to fling yourself into the great beyond don't you think?

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."
-Before Sunset-

Anyway, at the bottom of the article is a link to this new study these researchers are doing. It's called "The Media, Personality, and Well-Being Study." I guess they're looking for some link between your media consumption and your love life. Well, of course I'm gonna do that. Fifteen minutes later, I was still in the middle of the longest relationship questionnaire I've ever done. So many damn questions and all of them of the "strongly dis/agree" variety. And each one probably worthy of a good conversation.

So if you want to find out how you feel about romantic partners, try this thing out. It's like a relationship DDT with yourself. You don't have to sign up for the rest of the study either, or submit any information, despite the info page up front. Just take it so we can talk about it later. Here's some sample questions:

• I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me
• If your partner expresses disagreement with your ideas, s/he probably does not think highly of you
• I do not expect my partner to sense all my moods
• Sometimes romantic partners change their feelings about me for no apparent reason
• My desire to be very close sometimes scares people away
• I feel comfortable sharing my private thoughts and feelings with my partner
• Damages done early in a relationship probably cannot be reversed
• Misunderstandings between partners generally are due to inborn differences in psychological makeups of men and women
• One of the major causes of marital problems is that men and women have different emotional needs
• People who have a close relationship can sense each other's needs as if they could read each other's minds

Day 106

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, day. On my first full day back, I mustered up some motivation and headed out into the rain, driving an hour all the way down to Chula Vista. Amanda's holed up there because it's easier for her to recover from her recent back surgery in relative peace and quiet at her grandmother's. I hadn't talked to her at all over the busy weekend and the rhythm of knowing what was going on had momentarily slipped away.

We drove around doing her errands for a bit, which mainly consisted of trying to find hair styling supplies. The beauty supply store was so serious. A giant double sided row of brushes, insane amounts of hair dye all stripped of their packaging and offered up in "Don't buy this unless you know how to use it already" bottles. I could go on but overall I was just staggered by the sheer number of options. Girls do not have it easy do they? What the hell isn't ionized or tourmalined or whatever? It doesn't help when the saleslady clearly didn't know as much as Amanda. I guess the experience is like taking a (typical) guy into Fry's or Home Depot. Everything looks similar and offers the same options but there's a world of difference if you know what you're looking at. On a sidenote, is there a comprehensive site that offers reviews of womens' products similar to how electronics and gadgets are reviewed? Is this already done or is this possibly a business idea?

And let me just tell you that looking into a 10x mirror is frightening. Who'd ever want to subject themselves to that daily? Ew.

During dinner, twin spaghetti's at Macaroni Grill, we read each other's tarot cards. We both have the exact same Albano-Waite decks, hers are older and more well worn than mine -- even if I insist that I've been taroting longer. Her cards are wrapped lovingly in a scarf from Japan. Mine sit in my trunk along with all my other gaming supplies. Other items in this cardboard box include electronic Catchphrase, a bag of Squabble tiles, a chess clock, two decks of cards, and a lipstick holder containing various dice. I won't even go into what those dice are used for. You either know or you don't.

I was recently at a museum where they had some old tarot cards exhibited and I finally learned about the artist behind the iconic Rider-Waite designs. Pamela Colman Smith was her name. Good trivia fact.

Spreading the Amanda shuffled cards out on the table, I took careful notes of which cards were displayed and then used a tarot book to jot down notes on the individual meanings. I know and like tarot but I've never been able to commit the symbolisms and significances to memory. My divination process involves lots of time and scribbling short hand on paper. It's not very mystical but I assure you it's very accurate.

There's a moment in every fortune telling when you see the story you can spin. I love that moment. Sure it's usually pretty generic, sure it's mostly contrived, but there is actually a sense and a meaning there. What I suck at is arriving at this sense and meaning without showing all the cogs and pulleys behind the process. My inner wizard doesn't even bother with the facade or hide behind smoke and mirrors. I tell it like it is and just stitch a few interpretations together. Amanda was much better at reading, not to mention quicker. She laid the cards out in the cross formation and began revealing my future immediately. No twenty minute period of page flipping or note taking. She had to refer to the book once in awhile but the story she told was compelling, semi-detailed, and would have me convinced. My story telling was a lot less specific and magical even if it was undoubtedly true. Her style was certainly better but I'm still positive my third eye is stronger than hers.

I asked about my writing career and the upcoming release of the book. She asked about her love life. We both have good things coming around the corner apparently, mine in mysterious form and hers through a letter or email. Can't wait to prove that I'm right.

Say It Ain't So

Do you believe the saying, "Once a cheater always a cheater?" What if it's just one mistake? Does it matter how many times a person has cheated? Is it like killing someone. Do it once and it might be an accident. Do it twenty times and you're probably capable of continued killing? After all, the thinking is, "If someone's done it before, what prevents them from doing it again?"

It's about strength isn't it? If you're not strong enough to resist once, what kind of assurance can your partner have that you'll find the strength to resist next time? If there's one thing that's as certain as death and taxes, it's that the opportunity to cheat will always be there. Temptation is never far.

Askmen.com has helpfully compiled a top ten list of reasons to tell her you've cheated. It's not a bad list and covers the bases.

1. (1) So she hears it from you
2. (2) Because it's the right thing to do
3. (3) Because you want to make it work
4. (4) Because you care about her
5. (5) Because you don't want to make a second mistake
6. (6) Because it was a mistake
7. (7) So you can live without paranoia
8. (8) To regain the respect of your peers
9. (9) Because the guilt will drive you mad
10. (10) Because you can't count on your partner in crime

I've cheated before and my nature is to hide it and cover my ass. I mean, one of the bigger reasons that people feel compelled to tell their significant other is guilt (I think this should be higher up on the list). I don't have it. I don't often feel guilty about things and in this particular case, while I knew cheating would be horrible, I did it with a clear mind. And even if I wasn't clear of mind, I would never blame anything else or try to pawn off responsibility. That's just despicable.

Originally, I didn't break up with my girlfriend by announcing that I'd cheated on her. My reason for breaking up was that we weren't working out and that I was over the relationship. All true and for the most part, both of us could live with that answer. But later on that day, I told her about the cheating. My reasons? Basically I didn't want to have to hide it, from her, from other people, or to force the "partner in crime" to have to hide it either. That's not fair to anybody. I don't have a particular attachment to truth but in this case, it was necessary.

It crushed her, of course, this admission, and she was disconsolate and annihilated. She wouldn't even believe me at first, until I laid down when, where, and maybe why. We'd been together for roughly two years and we'd only ever been apart for a few week/ends. She thought it was maybe another girl, another weekend. She couldn't believe I'd actually done it. She blamed herself, and then blamed the other girl (still does). And she hated me. But this post isn't really about that.

For my part, in the aftermath of all this, I got a tattoo on my finger, and one of the reasons I chose that particular symbol was because it's a reminder of what I've done. I don't always explain that portion of it, of course. Usually I go with the others reasons I got such visible tattoo. But I know what it also means. Actually, I don't hide the cheating reason much. I have no reason to. I'm not ashamed that I've cheated. It's probably incredibly common -- not that it makes it right. I'm not proud of it obviously, but I also don't want to forget it. And more importantly, I don't want to be tempted to tell other people I get involved with that I've never cheated.

So that's what that tattoo is for.

Dilate

"this other friend, i painted glow in the dark shapes on her black, steel toed, doc marten boots. a half moon on one boot. three stars on the other. four years later, the moon and the stars were still there. we hugged whenever we saw each other on campus and passed along our phone numbers as a yearly ritual. but we never once got together to talk. and now, our friendship has waned and i don't know what she does. or where she is. or what we used to talk about. or anything. but she gave me ani."
-April 2002-

Walking down the street the other day, just one block away from George's apartment, I ran into an old friend from college. Even though we were quite a distance apart, she recognized me while I kept staring at her in shocked, slowly dawning, recognition. As we approached, I heard her say to her companion, "We went to college together." Immediately, I grasped for memories about her and feared that I would say something totally weird. Mainly I was just so excited to see her, it's been nearly ten years, and she was one of those friends from college that I thought I'd lost forever. In the age of social networking sites, I guess it's not that uncommon to find long lost friends anymore but to actually see them just randomly standing on a street, it's overwhelming.

We didn't have much time to talk, aside from a few flubbered "Why are you here? How long? What are you up to?" before she and her husband had to catch the bus. For the next few minutes I was still totally out of it, as the memories dredged up washed over me and I reminisced about how important she was to my early freshman year experience. It's a feeling impossible (for me) to describe and I couldn't help wondering if we'd get to actually meet up and talk at some point.

There was a moment in there where I was so afraid that she had forgotten me, or forgotten my name, or something like that, and if she had stumbled introducing me, I might have been crushed. Instead, later in the day, she Facebooked me and now we're reconnected forever. I'm hoping to meet up with her when I get back and catch up then.

It's incredible when you think about the odds of such a thing happening. One friend, one corner, one bus to catch. If I wasn't headed to KFC at that very moment, I would have missed it all. The odds are incomprehensible but things like this happen so often (relatively) that everyone has stories like this. That's why sometimes I'm out and about and I swear I'm going to see someone I know, or I hope to see someone I'm missing.

In this case, I was thinking in my head, "Wow, I wonder if we'll see anyone we know right now." For kind of different reasons, true, but it's still somewhat magical and fate-like.

Also, I discovered that this long lost friend has the most awesome tattoo. Look at it, isn't it beautiful and original?

Adventures in...

Over dinner with a friend I haven't seen in over a year, a period in which he had picked up and moved to Shanghai, leaving behind his apartment and long term girlfriend (they're doing the long distance thing), it occurred to me that he had done exactly what a large part of me wants/needs. He left a comfortable environment and challenged himself by going to a place where he knew no one and had no safety net. He did move overseas for a job but even then, it took some time to acclimate himself, to force the issue of being social among strangers, and in the process, he grew and spread his wings. Even from something as little as learning to eat by himself, he found strength and courage he never knew he had -- or lacked.

After I revealed how his experience made me jealous and slightly in awe, he encouraged me to move out of the country too, to pack my bags and go somewhere with no friend or life foundation in place. But I'm afraid of it. Despite having no attachments or monetary worries at the moment, I'm afraid of leaving. I don't do well by myself, and given the choice, I'm more likely to hole up in an apartment looking for Internet than wander out to explore a city.

But it's exactly because I'm afraid that I need to do something like this. As they years skip by, I'm running out of opportunities to expand my horizons, to challenge myself (socially and in life), and to take a leap of faith. Even if getting terribly lost, kicking up dirt, and not having a nearby support system could prove to be catastrophic, it's all low risk and high reward. It's called self reliance and I don't have it, and the last time I arguably had to challenge myself in this way, I utterly failed.

This friend is also embarking on an interesting business idea that combines extreme teamwork, meticulous preparation, far reaching goals, some venturing into the unknown, and preys on the "no cost is too high" attitude of parents concerning their overachieving kids and their chance for getting into the best colleges. Of the many random business ideas I've heard, this is the most personally engaging one, and one of the few that doesn't involve the Internet. I hope it works out for them.

Day 92

My big event of the day was driving my mom and Jimmy's mom to the airport. It seems like a simple enough task and one that shouldn't be a big deal. Well, it wasn't, not in principle, but it kind of was. I mean, I hate driving in the city. I fear hitting things. While SFO is hardly very far away, I thought I would just to dropping my mom off where Jimmy's mom was. As I navigated our way from the Marina to Chinatown, I got a tad lost and increasingly annoyed. My mom hinted that maybe it would be nice if I could just take them instead of having them bus/BART it.

What sort of self respecting child doesn't take their parents to the airport when there's no transportation or time conflict?

Originally, my mom said that she'd just say I was busy and couldn't take them to the airport. I think it embarasses her (to her friends) when she has to admit that we don't do certain things for her. So I think she prefers to make up excuses for me. Like even though I've lived at home for the past year, I'm always so gruff and curt with her when she asks for "favors." I mean, these aren't even favors. Driving her around someplace, doing something that could take a few hours, might be a bit of an inconvenience, but at the end of the day, isn't that big.

I hardly offer to go out of my way to do things and when directly asked, I sort of get all annoyed. It must hurt her, somewhere. I wonder if she wonders how she raised such ungrateful kids. And it's not about the closeness or the relationship even. It's about empathy, care, and unselfishness. Most of our other friends seem to do things for their parents, on differing levels of course, but I'm sure I'm pretty low on that spectrum.

A thankful son would say something like "Let me carry your bags while we walk to return them." Bags containing stuff she had bought for me that I didn't like and rejected nonetheless. Instead I holed up in the car because I was essentially surly and not being helpful.