Day 112

I've had a few conversations recently with some guy friends about our lack of older male role models. (Very) generally speaking, most of the guys I know love and respect their fathers but don't necessarily look up to them. I chalk this up to the big generational gap between Chinese kids and their parents. From an early age, you sort of gain this awareness that while your father is definitely an authoritative figure and brings bread to the table, he is also lacking in certain areas. For example, the classic Asian father is uncommunicative, never shows their emotions, and is generally just around. There's a huge world of difference between the traditional father-son relationship in say, Caucasian families, and many ethnic families. I don't know how to put it into words exactly but I think you know what I mean.

So we grow up a generation of fatherless sons. We don't want to be like our fathers, because we see them as either (a) out of touch or (b) leading a life that we'd never want to, and we generally don't have other male role models. Some people might find an uncle or a church leader or a professor or something to look up to and emulate, but generally speaking, we're alone and unguided, probably mostly due to our dismissive attitudes of our fathers, but also because they might just be lacking in that sense.

When I get asked now what I miss about my dad, I think the answer nowadays is that I feel like he was on the precipice of passing on his wisdom and adult knowledge. At twenty two, I was starting to get old enough to not be a kid anymore and I think he had been waiting to take me into his world and to start treating me as a (young) man. That or he was just getting worried about my I was floundering and had to reach out. Either way, the things that I wonder now are what he might have wanted to pass down to me.

My father wasn't unemotional or uncommunicative but he definitely picked and chose his spots. I remember specific moments when he'd pull me aside to say "I'm proud of you, I like how you handled that, etc." but overall we were hardly in conversations that evaluated my life decisions or in spaces where he pushed advice on me. I think he was waiting for me to figure out what I was looking for (because maybe that's what he'd done) and then to step in and guide me when I truly needed him or was old enough to accept guidance.

So that's what I guess I don't know. What he would have counseled me about career, relationships, happiness, mistakes, and life. I mean, I think I can kind of extrapolate if I think really hard about it, or try to gather an idea of him and think about what he might have said, but that would probably mostly be way off the mark. Even worse, I'm more sad at the idea that I won't get to ask him about why he did and what he did.

So I'm not sure if that counts as missing him. I equate missing with the past, sort of. So I think what I'm missing more is the relationship that would have grown out of him being around for my twenties, and it's hard not to think about what would have been different, if anything, if nothing.

We were at a Chinese dinner party this past weekend and over dinner we were listening to one of our old family friends pontificate about life. This uncle has known us since we were teenagers and has three sons of his own (all older than us). I asked him lots of questions about if he was ever worried about them, what he had worried about, and what sorts of advice he gave to them, or if they had ever come to him for advice. That led him to talk about these sorts of things for over an hour and a half with us, a rapt audience of four, aged thirty to sixteen.

I've had this sort of "lecture" before but in recent years, I drink this shit up. I don't necessarily agree with the message or hear anything particularly different from the various uncles, but I'll sit there and listen all day. I crave that nugget of wisdom that might pierce through the storytelling and the jokes. I'm digging around for anything that fathers might tell sons, perhaps in some hope that I'll grab some insight that way.

While I can't say I'll necessarily take the advice and implement it, any more than I would have earlier, I'm all ears and so much more open to this idea of seeking older male role models, if only to fill this void that I'm sure I have and I'm beginning to suspect that filling this hole might be useful and important in further growth as an adult.

Luckily, it's the holidays and we're slated for Chinese dinner after Chinese dinner. I've got to remember to pack a notebook.