Class Assignment #2

For thirteen months, I drove exotic cars at twice the speed limit, sent pedestrians flying toward the nearest curb, and teased cops in my rearview mirror before boosting quickly away. At my finely tuned best, I could get from Point A to B faster than anyone else. The streets of San Diego, Atlanta, and Detroit were filled with an unending stream of wannabe racers, all hoping to dethrone the champ. Nobody could do it, I was the man among men, and it all felt incredibly, deflatingly…false.

It had started off well a summer ago, when my interview for a vaunted game tester position had been a series of softballs like: "So what did you play growing up? What system did you have? Do you love games?" I wasted no time dipping into my list of authentic gamer experiences. The real ones, the ones that made the interviewers nod their heads in appreciation. When I got the job, I was thrilled. Finally, a career. A dream fulfilled. I was in the video game industry. Mom, I made it.

There was a problem looming though: I wasn't one of the boys. It wasn't in me, I couldn't adjust to being around only guys for twelve hours a day. Especially guys that somehow managed to pair testosterony bravado alongside an obsession for Super Mario and his ongoing quest to rescue his one true love, Princess Peach.

Nobody called bullshit here? Guys who love video games aren't cool, that's exactly how you got uncool in the first place, by staying inside and playing video games all day. Why pretend otherwise? At least that what I'd thought.

Unexpected Lesson #1: Cool is relative
In real life, away from the confines of the testing lab, few of my co-workers could have been described as traditionally cool. Or popular. Nearly everyone was a social outcast of some sort. Dork, dork, geek, dork, geek, dork, nerd. These weren't even derogatory terms in any way, they were just descriptions. Nobody aspires to play video games for a living without a strong streak of dork-geek-nerd built in.

But instead of banding together into a happy League of Dorks, there was a clear hierarchy. Slumming at the very bottom of our geekdom was an unfortunate guy named Sean. The reason he became the verbal whipping boy of the testing lab? Well, heavens to all hell, his sin was that he was an unrepentant Nintendo fanboy. Sean's computer station was always decorated with the company's (official) paraphernalia. Action figures were neatly arranged on his monitor and carefully rotated in or out according to what pieces he wanted to show off that week.

Touching Sean's toys was predictably the easiest way to rile him up. So of course the bullies of the lab thought it was always hilarious to place Megaman and Luigi in compromising positions when Sean wasn't around. Then they would do the same thing to Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong. I didn't really find video game incest to be very amusing, but it was laugh or be laughed at — the law of the gamer jungle — so I laughed. Secretly though, I admired a guy who took pride in his toy collection.

Unexpected Lesson #2: Mulan had it easy
For some reason, I was the only Asian in the gaming lab for quite a few months. That meant any Asian related question was directed my way. Number one on that list was always "Hey, how do I get Asian girls to talk to me?" I wanted to say, "Well, it would help if you were less creepy" but instead offered neo-Confucian phrases likes "Be persistent and the path will become clear" or "Don't ask her what country she's from."

Another frustrated co-worker told me that whenever he approached a circle of girls at the club, they would all turn their backs, shutting him out. "What's the deal with that?" he asked. I used a predator versus herd analogy and told him to wait for the weak one to be separated out. Then quickly buy her a drink before she retreats to safety. "We're a group minded people, you have to keep that in mind." I dispensed useless advice and they drank it up because I was the voice of Asian authority.

Halfway through the development cycle, we hired another foreigner, a female tester. Before her arrival, the only other females in the company were the two receptionists, who liked to come through the lab every once in awhile, jump or giggle on command (literally), and generally boost morale. But now a girl was actually going to be in the lab with us and a big meeting was needed to prep us for it.

Jason, our boss, told everyone that sexual harassment was a big deal. Talking, touching, disparaging, praising, any of these things could constitute sexual harassment if taken the wrong way. Having half naked pictures of women on computer wallpapers was no longer allowed. Calling everyone "gay" or "bitches" was to be curtailed. He reminded everyone to be respectful of each other, girls and boys alike.

At the end of his little speech, the first question asked was "Is she hot?"
Jason rolled his eyes and said, "What do you think?"

I think the poor girl last two weeks. She quit after someone decided it would be a nice initiation to fart in her general direction. From two feet away.

Unexpected Lesson #3: Tbc